Please advise. How does one go about getting a termination?

[obimu]

Firstly may I apologise in advance about how insensitive this post will come across to those who are ttc or who have struggled to become pregnant.

I just took a test and it read positive. No part of me is happy about this. I have the two children I wanted and the youngest just started school. DH was close to getting a vasectomy. We were using condoms but had a mishap this month. I've taken a test on day 28 of my cycle, my cycles are usually 23/24 days.

With that in mind, it is possible I could miscarry - I've had two in the past when my cycles were short. I had to take a load of B6 to lengthen my cycles to get pregnant with my second child. But as I am very early on in pregnany, if I do have a termination, I'd prefer to do it straight away.

I have no idea how this works. What is the cost of going private? Can I have a medical abortion just by seeing my GP? How long does it all take if I go through the NHS?

It's not great timing as I have my mother staying with me next week and I won't have any privacy. Do I have to let my DH know? Is it easier to bear the burden of this myself, given that I am 100% decided?

Please advise me. I never thought this would happen to me and I feel foolish and childlike being in this predicament. If there was a part of me that could bear pregnancy and bringing up another child, then I know my husband would come round to being happy about it too, but I don't feel that way.

Would I have to go through my GP rather than the FPC to get that option?

I am having problems telling my DH. I can't find the moment or the words. :( I don't know how I will manage to tell a complete stranger.

I'm quite angry with my DH too. It's all ME that has to deal with the consequences of this. ME who has to go through the indignity of being prodded and poked and ME who has to do all the explaining to the doctors. I'm going into a denial phase I think. If I stop thinking about it then it feels better. But I know I need to get this sorted out ASAP.

I'm quite angry with my DH too. It's all ME that has to deal with the consequences of this

All the more reason to tell him, imo. You can't transfer the prodding & poking onto him, but he can share in your emotions.

I was insanely angry at dh for a time. Why was I pregnant, why was it my life that was changed so much, why did I feel so useless, sick, overwhelmed. Why was it me who wished day after day for a miscarriage, why was it me who doubted that I would be granted a termination, why was I the one who yelled at my children out of depression, why was it me who replayed the car into wall scenario.....what was happening to him?

His life was the same. He didn't have to tell anyone. He didn't wake each morning filled with dread, nor go to sleep each night crying. He didn't have to deal with a 5 month old while throwing up & coping with horrendous headaches, nor feel the stretching cramps. Nor try to hide it from those we didn't want to tell.

In other words, why when my world was upside down & inside out, was his so normal?

It is life, they can't go through it & it makes it feel so unjust! I am thinking of you, I know exactly how you feel.

Did you go through with the pregnancy differentnameforthis

I already feel nauseas. I desperately want to see blood when I go to the toilet, in direct contrast to being pregnant after two miscarriages where I dreaded seeing blood.

How did you tell your DH? It feels like I have had a few days, to start to get my head around this and telling him is like dropping a bombshell on his normally operating world. I don't want to have to deal with his opinions and questions and angst as well as my own.

And yes, I have been very shouty towardas my two children and my youngest has just started school, filled with excitement and this should be such a happy time.

No I didn't. It was our third. It was unplanned & unwanted. Dd was 5mths old. We were still recovering from her birth. Me physically (section) & both of us mentally/emotionally. She was very different from dd1, not an easy baby at all & breastfeeding wasn't going great/easy as I hoped. I really did not want another child/pregnancy.

All this was happening over dd2's first Christmas too, which made me feel even more crap because I didn't have the energy to make it as special as I wanted to. Dd1 had started school in the October (got positive in Nov) and here (Oz) we have the summer holiday over Christmas, so it also over shadowed that too.

How did I tell him. I phoned him at work, told him I was very sorry, please don't be mad...but I was pregnant & sobbed! He said not to worry & came home & we talked. He supported my choice to not want to go ahead. He was very good not to make my choice harder, and did say that he didn't agree with terminating as such, but could see how torn I was about it. He talked to me several times over the few weeks while we waited & never did he impress his opinion on me.

A few weeks ago we looked after a friends dd. The house was chaotic. He said to me that he is glad we only have 2. He feels it is much more manageable for us. In short, we have no regrets. And, clichéd as it is, we are stronger than ever.

How old are you? I only ask as I know that there was a young people's advice centre that I used in my old town that helped people up until they were about 25- they definitely did this kind of thing. They were called Talkwise, but not sure what another would be called.

I am late 30s. I have rung the FPC and got their opening times and hope to be able to go on Wednesday as a drop in. It's not going to be a fun wait but I should be able to free myself up for the afternoon.

No, I have no desire to continue being pregnant. But I flit from wallowing in the desperation of the situation to distracting myself with normal daily activities and it all feels a bit surreal when I suddenly remember that I have this massive problem looming over me. I hate hospitals and seeing doctors and suffer from white-coat fright, so yes, it is sort of appealing to put it out of my mind and not think about that as it causes me some trauma. I just want it over with and stupidly wish I could defer that responsibility to someone else.

There are no BPAs or Marie Stopes clinics near where I live so it looks like the NHS is my only option.

Thank you for your kind words different name for this. It is getting better slowly, but the worst bit, the lowest point was during and after the scan, thats the bit I still remember completely.

DD's 5 th birthday was on the Sunday between the test and the appointment and that was the hardest thing I have ever done -got quite drunk after the party.

I knew I couldnt cope with three, my body was already starting to ache with hip and back problems, DS was the amazing non-sleepy clingy baby, it all felt so unreal and I felt so lost. A third DC would have meant enormous financial expense as well, as we live in the tiniest of houses, only just enough space for 2 children. DH and my mum etc were really supportive and on the fence and made sure it was my decision and it was, totally and utterly. DH told me afterwards I had made the right decision but I felt everything that has been said here, the desire to put it out of my mind, not wanting to think about it and for someone else to tell me what to do.

Dh was there when I took the test so we shared the shock together. Could you tell him you think you might be pregnant and take the test again with him there this time. Dont know if that would make it easier if you could drop hints about not feeling well etc before etc. Would save all the 'why didnt you tell me before' which I know my DH would have done.

Forgot to add, hope it all goes well for you.

I dont know if this is too un-mumsnetty but I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday

I just want to say that I hope things go smoothly for you. Wishing you the very best.

A little update to my thread.

I saw a Family Planning Clinic doctor a week ago and got a referral to the hospital clinic for today.

As I'm only 5 and a half weeks, the scan did not reveal enough information. There was a gestational sac and yolk sac but it's too early to say whether it is a viable pregnancy, and apparently, for legal reasons, they can't go ahead with the termination until they can verufy if it is. So, I have to go back in two weeks and have another scan to make sure. Then I will have to wait another 1 or 2 weeks after that, so could be 8 and ahla for 9 and a half weeks when it is eventually done. Which seems a bit crazy when I found out about the pregnancy at exactly 4 weeks. Oh sigh.

I'm feeling wobbly about the idea of a medical termination, since I had two natural miscarriages between my children and found them gruesome experiences. On the otherhand, how do I consent to an anaesthetic (and that extra risk) for an optional procedure when I have two children at home.

Somehow I have to get through the next few weeks. I still cannot stop being very angry with DH. I don't know why. I am still sure that this plan is the best one for everyone. I imagine I feel very pent up because this isn't something I can share with anyone I know. Maybe another woman would have more understanding of my feelings, and I am annoyed simply because DH is a man!

A part of me would also like to know he had considered the alternative and thought about continuing the pregnancy, as I have. I still reached the same conclusion but at least had to wear the idea for a little while. It sounds to me like he has thought 'wasn't planned, therefore, won't be continued' without entertaining any 'what ifs' In some ways it makes me think of him as not the person I thought he was, since he was the one who once talked about us having 3 children (prior to child number 2 reaching the toddler stage)

So, there you go. Still waiting and feeling very isolated with this secret. Thanks for reading if you did. On the plus side, all of the staff I have had dealings with thus far have been lovely. I really hate that this post is in the choices/tests section. It seems inappropriate. Mumsnet could do with an Unplanned pregnancy section.

you may need to be accompanied on your way home from the clinic. If you have two children at home, can you ask a friend for help, looking after them for that day? You need not say why, you can say you have to go into hospital for a medical examination which involves an anaesthetic.

Or dh will need to take a day off work to look after them andto pick you up from the clinic, look after the dc when you get home. You may not be feeling good emotionally even if you are at peace with the decision. After the pregnancy is terminated, your hormone levels will change and with that may come an emotional crash.

I hope you'll be ok.

Thank you. With the medical I'd have to go in at 5pm and potentially not be released until the early hours of the morning. With a surgical I'd go in in the morning and be able to come home that afternoon. I will have to think through the logistics. I hate lying to people.