Hi, I've not posted on here before but read a lot of threads on the topic of antenatal anxiety and was hoping to get some support. My partner and I always spoke about kids and I always thought I wanted children. I was never sure if I could have children (for no real reason) and even then, I thought about adoption as an alternative option. My partner and I were meant to get married in 2020 but then COVID happened and after some discussion, we decided to postpone to 2023, partly to allow us to start TTC. I was 33 when we started to try (he is 32).
I have a previous history of depression and anxiety and was on citalopram for 4 years before TTC. I came off my meds (slowly) before TTC. After 3 months of trying, I fell pregnant and was initially nervous but happy. I felt like this for about 4 weeks and then, bam, out of nowhere, I had massive anxiety about the pregnancy, questioning 'do I want this', 'will a baby make me unhappy', 'do i really want to change my life'? With my MH history, I knew to contact my GP straight away and they were extremely helpful and referred me to antenatal mental health. However, my mood continued to dip, I stopped being able to eat or function and so I called again 2 days later and was prescribed 50 mg sertraline. The antenatal mental health team didn't have capacity for me so I had to arrange my own counselling and have been having psychodynamic therapy for about 6 weeks. However, although the drugs helped me to be more stable and able to function and eat, I was still having very low days. In desperation, I arranged to see a clinical psychologist who specialises in antenatal mental health who upped my sertraline to 100 mg and advised me to get CBT therapy with a psychotherapist who specialises in antenatal mental health. I've had one session with her, which is early days but I feel I'm running out of time. I still don't feel like I want this baby. I never feel happy, I sometimes wish my life was over, I pray for a miscarriage (I'm so sorry about how insensitive this is) and I just want to be out of this pregnancy.
I am going to call BPAS today to talk about abortion options as I feel I need to get the process started if I really don't want to have this baby. I am so scared that if I just continue with the pregnancy, I will become suicidal. Knowing there is still an option to not proceed feels like it is slightly keeping me going and I don't know what would happen once that option is over.
I don't think adoption is an option for me. I don't think I could go through with it.
My partner really wants this baby but wants me to be happy more so. He will support me but I am worried this will break us, whatever I choose to do.
Any advice would be so very much appreciated as I feel so desperately confused. Thank you x