I can't have this planned baby

[HopePlease]

Hi, I've not posted on here before but read a lot of threads on the topic of antenatal anxiety and was hoping to get some support. My partner and I always spoke about kids and I always thought I wanted children. I was never sure if I could have children (for no real reason) and even then, I thought about adoption as an alternative option. My partner and I were meant to get married in 2020 but then COVID happened and after some discussion, we decided to postpone to 2023, partly to allow us to start TTC. I was 33 when we started to try (he is 32).

I have a previous history of depression and anxiety and was on citalopram for 4 years before TTC. I came off my meds (slowly) before TTC. After 3 months of trying, I fell pregnant and was initially nervous but happy. I felt like this for about 4 weeks and then, bam, out of nowhere, I had massive anxiety about the pregnancy, questioning 'do I want this', 'will a baby make me unhappy', 'do i really want to change my life'? With my MH history, I knew to contact my GP straight away and they were extremely helpful and referred me to antenatal mental health. However, my mood continued to dip, I stopped being able to eat or function and so I called again 2 days later and was prescribed 50 mg sertraline. The antenatal mental health team didn't have capacity for me so I had to arrange my own counselling and have been having psychodynamic therapy for about 6 weeks. However, although the drugs helped me to be more stable and able to function and eat, I was still having very low days. In desperation, I arranged to see a clinical psychologist who specialises in antenatal mental health who upped my sertraline to 100 mg and advised me to get CBT therapy with a psychotherapist who specialises in antenatal mental health. I've had one session with her, which is early days but I feel I'm running out of time. I still don't feel like I want this baby. I never feel happy, I sometimes wish my life was over, I pray for a miscarriage (I'm so sorry about how insensitive this is) and I just want to be out of this pregnancy.

I am going to call BPAS today to talk about abortion options as I feel I need to get the process started if I really don't want to have this baby. I am so scared that if I just continue with the pregnancy, I will become suicidal. Knowing there is still an option to not proceed feels like it is slightly keeping me going and I don't know what would happen once that option is over.

I don't think adoption is an option for me. I don't think I could go through with it.

My partner really wants this baby but wants me to be happy more so. He will support me but I am worried this will break us, whatever I choose to do.

Any advice would be so very much appreciated as I feel so desperately confused. Thank you x

I should have said that I am almost 15 weeks pregnant

I'm sorry you're struggling so much OP. You seem to feel that your mental state has significantly altered since becoming pregnant, and it doesn't sound like you've had the level of care that you should. Organising your own counselling and advocating for yourself is very difficult in such circumstances. My concern for you about an abortion in these circumstances is that you may be making the decision as a result of your altered mental state, rather than it being really what you want.
I know when I got pregnant I was very, very low despite having no history of MH issues. Our baby was planned too but it was still an enormous shock and very overwhelming - I'd gone from TTC to suddenly thinking it was a terrible idea once I actually got pregnant. He's a delight, though, and it did pass eventually.
Is there someone who can advocate on your behalf, perhaps go to PALS? If the antenatal MH team don't have capacity for you, you absolutely should not just be left with nothing - they should be arranging alternative support on your behalf, not leaving you just to sort it all out alone. Could your partner or a friend get in touch with them? Happy for you to PM me if you just want to chat.

Thank you so much for your reply @sausagerole I really appreciate you taking the time to get back to me. I just feel so so desperate to get back to me and feel that I am running out of time to make a decision. I am scared that by proceeding with the pregnancy, I am just going to set myself up for a life of unhappiness. I wish I had not have even started TTC. I will look into PALS. My partner is away this week, which has really not helped with my MH. I know there is a chance I'll regret an abortion but I'm honestly worried for my life if I leave it to a point where I just don't have an option.

I remember being very excited to start our family and was amazed when having had a positive test, I suddenly felt, what the hell have I done? The enormity of a new life and what that meant suddenly hit me. I can honestly say parenting is the hardest, most challenging thing in the world but also in my experience the most rewarding and fulfilling. Try and remember the reasons you wished to start a family in the first place. Most new parents are just winging it in the beginning. For contrast, I was emotionally bullied into terminating a later unexpected pregnancy and the emotional fallout was devastating to me. You are not me, this is just my experience. Very best of luck with everything.

I'm 25 weeks now and have been feeling this on and off to be honest. It's absolutely overwhelming. Only you can know what to do for the best but just wanted to say I really sympathise and I think a lot more women feel this way than we would expect.

If it helps I've felt much better since getting past the stage where abortion was an option. This is the path I am and there's nothing to do now but try to be excited and get ready. That certainty has helped.

Thank you @WhenPushComesToShove. I really just can't believe I am feeling this way. I thought I would be so happy about pregnancy and I'm the absolute opposite.

Thank you @nellly. The problem is that it hasn't been on and off. I've had about 2 moments where I've felt ok about it and the majority of the time I feel like I'm in denial about the whole pregnancy or just don't want it at all. My mum and sister have said to just proceed and if I really don't want the baby after, they will look after it until I'm well enough/feel capable. But I never chose to have a child for someone to else to raise it. I would rather just not have the child in the first place as I think it would be so damaging to the child, to me and to my partner

I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. After I had my baby I had terrible postnatal depression and felt suicidal for at least the first year. It was very very hard for the first couple of years, but he’s six now and brings me so much joy. Life is so fulfilling with him in it.
It sounds like you have a lot of support. I really don’t think it would affect your child negatively to have a lot of help from your mum and sister in the first year or so of life.
I wish you lots of strength for whatever you decide. Depression is a horrible thing x

Thank you so much @Constellationstation. I'm sorry to hear you suffered for so long and am glad you are feeling better now. I will discuss this with my counsellor - just feel like such a failure already and the baby isn't even here. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself but it's hard not to be

You know what is best for you OP. If it comes down to a choice between you and the potential baby, choose yourself first. Your well-being is what matters most.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so bad, and that you've had to fight to get help. You've done so well to get the counselling that you have. You are certainly not a failure, that is the voice of the depression lying to you. I'm a bit surprised they haven't put you back on citalopram... I know sertraline is the anti-depressant of choice during pregnancy and breastfeeding, but I'm fairly sure citalopram can be used, and if it has worked for you in the past I would have thought that would be preferable. Just a thought, I'm not medically qualified!

I'll share a bit of my experience in case it's helpful. I had taken citalopram in the past and eventually come off it very slowly about 3 years before we started TTC. I had a few wobbles during pregnancy and was quite anxious, but it was after I had my baby that I really struggled. I had suicidal thoughts, was convinced my baby was going to die, wanted to give the baby to someone else who would be a better mother to her. Thankfully I have a good GP who got me back onto citalopram as it had worked for me in the past, and I had support from perinatal mental health, as well as my mum who came and stayed with us for weeks. I was lucky enough to have good friends who rallied round too- they say it takes a village to raise a child and that was certainly the case for me - if you go ahead with the pregnancy then do take all the help you're offered and ask for what you need, your family and friends will want to help. For me CBT was really helpful, and by about a year after my baby was born I was a lot more myself again. She's now almost 4 and I love being her mummy. We haven't decided whether we'll have any more children but I'm still on citalopram (a lower dose) and my GP said I would be fine to take it during pregnancy.

I really hope the CBT helps you, and you start to feel better and feel peaceful about whatever decision you make. Having a baby is scary and when combined with mental health difficulties it's really tough, but also really worth it in the end, I promise! Huge hugs if that's allowed!

Hi OP i think praying for a miscarriage even though the baby was planned is actually kind of common - I have broached the subject with friends and my mum, and it is NORMAL to have fluctuating emotions about whether you feel capable of going through with it. With my first child, it was a surprise, my partner and his family were aggressively anti abortion and I ended up running away to another city to seek one out. I ended up having a massive bleed at 12 weeks (which was ultimately harmless) but as soon as it started I was devastated to think I was losing the baby.
That changed my mind frame on it all and I stuck it out until I started feeling kicks, at which point all my uncertainty vanished (circa 20 weeks). Up until then I was calling Marie stopes every week but never quite worked up the courage to abort. My child is 26 months now and the absolute light of my life. I am so glad I went through with it.
Having a supportive mum and sister will help a lot. What are your biggest fears about having the baby, is it the thought of managing depression with a child? If you have good maternity leave then I think you’ll enjoy it. I also suffered bad depression and was self medicating with alcohol before I got pregnant, and I have far less sleep and money and socialising etc than I used to. But my kid is my sunshine and watching them grow brings me more joy than anything else I’ve ever experienced in life (I say this as someone who got to do my “dream job” for a couple of years before accidentally getting pregnant).
I wish you all the best OP. I think it’s quite rare to genuinely regret your child’s existence .. especially once they start smiling, drawing you pictures, saying funny things, giving you sloppy kisses etc :)

Hormones during pregnancy are nutty and so it's not surprising you feel so different to how you did when you were trying to conceive. Not remotely to diminish your feelings but things might be different once the baby is here if you do proceed. But obviously you can only work with the way you're feeling right now and it sounds desperate so I hope you can find peace whatever you decide.

Thank you so much everyone for your encouraging stories and support. I am still feeling very anxious about the whole thing and just can't imagine myself with my own baby. Perhaps it's something nobody can imagine until it happens? I find it really difficult to just 'go with it' until the birth as I really don't think that having a child should be done on a whim but then again maybe that's my issue - maybe I'm putting too much pressure on myself to feel a certain way. I really appreciate all of your time spent to reply x

Depression during pregnancy is very common. We don’t hear this as we are always automatically supposed to be over the moon. But I know when I first found out I was not happy either. Now I’m very happy. But initially I felt very anxious, scared and really wondering if I had ruined my life.

There are so many hormonal changes happening as well. I wish more women spoke about this and there was more informative about depression during pregnancy.

I do hope you get better and sending you well wishes.

Thank you @MarshmallowSwede. I really hope I feel better about the pregnancy too and am trying my best to overcome these negative feelings. Thanks so much for your reply x

Antenatal depression is so real and frustrating that it's not talked about as much as postnatal depression. I had it during my last pregnancy and I felt so low. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying and cut myself off from everyone. I felt super guilty and wondered if i did actually want this baby and what was i doing? I like you, went to my GP who was incredibly supportive and I managed to get support with a CBT therapist and it really helped. Like previous posts, when I felt baby kick I started to realise I was doing the right thing for me and although it was hard, I had a boy a few months ago and am very much in love with him and couldn't imagine him not being here.

Whatever ever you choose to do I wish you luck x

You’re very welcome @HopePlease

Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Remember all of us expectant mother’s who are having our first child especially can’t really know what this is like until we are there. This is my first child too and there are moments where I’m feeling scared still. Wondering how I’ll take care of a baby, how to take care of a newborn. It’s absolutely normal.

I’ve seen some really wonderful responses from mothers who have been thru this before. So just know that you’re not alone. And as you see there are many women who feel or have felt similar.

It’s a life changing experience having a baby. So of course it’s normal to feel anxious and scared.

One thing that helped me was being really open about how I was feeling with my own mother and was surprisingly she was very honest telling me she had felt the same way when she found out she was pregnant with me.

Don’t feel bad or feel like you will be judged because this is a huge life change for any woman who is pregnant and it’s ok to feel sad, or angry or anxious or however you feel. It’s valid.

You are young to be fine and there’s a lot of support out there for expectant mothers and new mothers. If you can’t find resources on your own then you can reach out to anyone here for info.

I’m absolutely confident that you will be fine. You don’t have to be prefect for feel any way right now. Just be kind to yourself and look after yourself.

*going to be fine

Thank you @Glitterazzi for your reply and for sharing your success story. It gives me hope that when I feel the baby kick I will feel something. I did a pregnancy yoga class yesterday which was really good and I hope it helps me to feel connected. I am also having CBT sessions twice a week so I'm hoping that I find courage and confidence to move forward. I still find it hard to firmly say that I am having this baby but I hope that will change.

And thank you for your confidence in me @MarshmallowSwede, and for your words. Unfortunately, my mum really cannot understand my doubts as she didn't feel this way. But she is being super supportive so I can't really ask for much more of her. I am going to try my best to work on my thoughts this week and try to be more positive. All the posts on here have been amazingly helpful - thank you x

I didn’t have none of these issues, but I can say initially I couldn’t imagine myself with a child, now I can’t imagine myself without a child.
Please stay positive. From my experience, my life having child of course changed, but it didn’t change to the level that I can’t do anything. I still do the same things I did before, it’s just now I have to plan more or do my things around my baby’s schedule. I still travel and with a baby. Maybe I can’t do hiking in the mountains as I did before but I certainly can do coastal walks etc.
First years might be difficult but motherhood is rewarding! Wish you all the best.

Hi @HopePlease

How are you now? I hope things have become clearer. Thinking of you.x

Hi - OP here! I thought I would provide an update on my story and hopefully give some hope to others who are in a similar place to where I was. Since last posting, I decided to proceed with the pregnancy and now have a baby boy, and now I can't imagine not having him here!

After having 8 months to get used to being a mummy, I have had time to reflect on my pregnancy journey. It was not at all what I expected, and I think that is part of the problem. I never expected to feel apprehensive and to not feel excited about the changes that planning to have a baby would bring about. Looking back, it feels silly that I didn't foresee the dip in my mood as I have never been one for change (and big changes have led to depressive episodes in the past), but I think my overwhelming desire to be a mum made me blindsided to the possibility that I may react negatively to such a big life choice.

Throughout my pregnancy, even after deciding that we were going to proceed with the pregnancy, I never felt excited. Instead, as time went on, I felt less apprehensive and cared more for the baby growing inside of me (even if I didn't necessarily feel a huge connection to him).

Since having my son, I can honestly say that I wouldn't want my life to be without him. I can remember my life without him, but I can't imagine it without him in it now. I feel so detached from the person who posted the original message in the thread, so there is hope for anyone out there who is feeling the same as I did. The interesting thing is that a lot of the things that I was worried about (having no time for me, being tired, early mornings etc) are very real things, but they are nowhere near as bad as the pregnant, catastrophising, future-predicting me imagined them to be.

I just wanted to say that I was in the worst possible place when pregnant, a position I never thought I would be in as the baby was planned, and I can now look back and see that I was very unwell, but at the time all of my thoughts seemed so real. If anyone out there relates to my original post, please speak to your doctor, get some therapy if you can and confide in people around you who love you and will want to support you. I would not be writing this now without the support of my partner, family and friends (including the mumsnet lovelies who took the time to message me and reply to my posts). You are not alone in this and you will get through this. And please feel free to contact me if you need to.

Congratulations @HopePlease ! Happy to hear you are enjoying life now with your little one!

This is wonderful news! Congratulations @HopePlease I’m so happy for you and I hope your message gives strength to others too. All best to you and your new family!