Antenatal/postnatal depression
My mum is dying
Cbd333 · 19/11/2020 07:55
I'm 6 weeks pregnant and yesterday we found out that my mum (who we live with) has relapsed with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. There is now no cure and she probably has weeks - a few months left.
I don't know how I'm going to cope without her. Mum is my world and the thought she won't get to meet this baby or see them and my daughter grow up is crippling me. There isn't an adjective that's strong enough to describe how I'm feeling.
My mum has fought so bravely for 9 months and we thought she had a chance as she has a stem cell transplant. Because of covid she has faced months in hospital in isolation. She is the best woman ever and she is so undeserving of this.
I don't know why I'm writing this I just feel grief-stricken and I don't know how to go on.
Rosebud2005 · 19/11/2020 11:44
I’m so sorry to read this. Have you told your mum about the baby? Maybe sharing the news will just put a smile on her face for a little bit of good news among the sadness and you can both have your time together sharing ideas and baby names . Just something to lift you a little bit. Sending massive hugs to you both 💕💕
SingingSands · 19/11/2020 12:46
I wish there was something I could say OP, it's just such a sad situation so can only offer a virtual hand hold.
I'm so sorry, you sound so close to your lovely mum, and yes you are right, she doesn't deserve this Xx 
JiltedJohnsJulie · 23/11/2020 20:14
Your Mum sounds so lovely and neither of you deserve this
I think there are a couple of groups called something like "Mums without Mums". If you google that phrase, a few things should could up.
rumandbiscuits · 23/11/2020 20:18
So sorry you are all having to go through this. Life is so so cruel. I know it doesn't help much now and you will have to take everyday as it comes but maybe you could reach out to your GP for some counselling to help you get through this? How is your mum coping with the news? Congratulations on your pregnancy and please be kind to yourself
Cbd333 · 23/11/2020 22:43
Thank you for your kind replies. It feels good to talk, I get too upset to talk to my friends as everyone loves mum so much it becomes overwhelming - she really is one of those people who is everyone's favourite. It was always an open door policy so she is like a mum to my friends too.
Mum spiked a dangerous fever and is in hospital now. Understandably she doesn't smile or laugh anymore and she is feeling so ill I think she is almost ready to give up.
My GP has been great, calling to check on me every few days and basically giving me informal counselling. I think because I'm working from
Home, have had pregnancy sickness and the weather is bad (and lockdown!) I'm also finding it hard to muster up the energy to leave the house. He has suggested '3 positive things' where you write down three things that you have achieved with your day. Today I can write that I wrote about my mental health and was given advice by kind strangers.
calimommy · 25/11/2020 01:24
@Cbd333 I'm so sorry. It's so shit. And I'm just so very sorry for you and your family. X
Cbd333 · 28/12/2020 10:43
Mum was rushed into hospital again on Christmas Eve (she has been home for a handful of days since my first post) and she was told in Boxing Day, alone as we aren't allowed to be with her because of covid, that there is nothing more they can do. The doctors are just trying to make her comfortable now.
I am so devastated a just can't see a way through this
TheoriginalLEM · 28/12/2020 10:52
Oh i am so sorry, why wont they let you see her? Its fucking inhuman throw your toys if you have to. There must be allowance for end of life visits.
This will be the thing that haunts me the most about covid. I lost my mum before Christmas and hadnt seen her due to being in a nursing home. It was unexpected and in fact i was on my way to see her as it was end of life but not imminent.
Im so sorry
Cbd333 · 28/12/2020 12:18
They're letting dad go up today but I agree, covid has meant she battled this horrible cancer alone and received devastating news - the diagnosis, the relapse and the fact she will soon die, alone.
We live together and before I moved back spoke 4 or 5 times a day. She's just the best person on the planet and I can't comprehend that this is actually happening, that I won't be able to talk to her every day, that I'll never see her again.
Sorry for the depressing post I just feel like I'm dying from grief.
Notverygrownup · 28/12/2020 12:33
Oh bless you, of course you are. This is the toughest thing you will ever go through. Hang on in there. One day at a time.
Ask if the hospital will allow/encourage facetime/video calls, if your mum is up to it, so that you can see her again and she can hear you. Not the same as visiting in person, of course, but it might allow you some time together to say things that you want to say.
Have you told her about the baby yet?
My own mother was pregnant with me when her mother was dying. I have to say that as I grew up, I was very aware of a deep underlying sadness in my mum but didn't understand it as she had decided not to talk to me much about her loss. I wish that she had. Maybe it was all too painful for her, but I wish that we could have celebrated her mum's life together. I wish that she had given me a picture of my grandma and talked about the fun things we could have done together, so that I could have got to know my Grandma through her stories. You don't want to live in the past, and always be looking back, but I think that it is important to celebrate the good things that have gone before.
Your mum sounds such a lovely person. I do hope that you and your dad will be able to look after each other and that your new baby will give you both comfort. It will be a bitter sweet time - you will want to share your baby with your mum, and ask her so many questions. However, you and therefore your baby would not be here if it were not for your mum. That baby is a little part of her moving forward, as well as a friend, and someone who will help you to keep your mum's memory alive, and someone who will bring new love into your dad's life too.
Sending best wishes at this incredibly difficult time for you all. 
Cbd333 · 28/12/2020 12:43
Thank you for your lovely words, that is great advice. I will always make her part of the new baby and my daughter's lives. I told my daughter (nearly 3) last night that although she won't be able to see Nana anymore that nana will always be there to listen and will always watch over her.
I'm sure it must get more bearable over time but at the moment I just feel like I want to go with her. I would never do anything stupid as I have my daughter and the baby to live for, but it's overwhelming me.
Notverygrownup · 28/12/2020 13:26
Of course it is. It is the most difficult thing to go through. Don't expect anything from yourself, just go through this. But in the meantime, do celebrate how much you love your mum, and how much she loves you. It would be much less painful if you hadn't had the closeness, the laughter and the love that you and your mum shared, but I am sure you wouldn't want to have been without that.
The pain will fade in time. You won't forget but it will hurt less. And the love that you have shared will always be real for you, and something that will live on with you and your daughters.
Cbd333 · 29/12/2020 11:14
They're letting me and my brother go up individually today to spend an hour with her.
Mum's sister (my aunt) who hasn't been able to see her for 6 months because of covid isn't being allowed in to say goodbye.
I understand the rules are because of covid but it feels inhumane and that she isn't getting to die how she would want to with loved ones around her.
On a side note they told me I had to stand in the atrium to wait as there are not chairs left because of covid and that I'm not allowed to go and wait in the car. Told them I was pregnant and burst into tears so a kind (frightened!?) security guard pointed me in the direction of another area of the hospital when I could sit while I wait.
movingonup20 · 29/12/2020 11:39
Depending on the situation, can your local hospice help you bring her home for her last days?
So sorry for all of your family, don't forget there's people out there who can support you through your darkest days, you are not alone. Take care
Cbd333 · 29/12/2020 16:58
She's just too ill I think. We had a private ambulance and palliative nurse lined up but the hospital where mum is is an hour away and I don't think she will make the journey.
She was nearly gone earlier when I saw her but she said she loved me and I told her how much I loved her. I said I would look after everyone like she had and also that if she wanted to let go and give up she could, that she didn't have to be brave anymore.
dancinfeet · 29/12/2020 18:40
OP I'm so sorry after reading your post and update, sending much love to you and your family. I lost my mum when I was 23 and the 20 year anniversary last week has hit hard this year. I cannot imagine what you and your family have gone through not all being able to be with her when you needed to, thinking of you all and your lovely mum xxx
Sexnotgender · 29/12/2020 18:45
I’m so sorry I’m so glad you got to say goodbye.
My husband’s mum died very suddenly last year (a month exactly from diagnosis) and I’m currently pregnant. My husband really struggles that his mum won’t get to meet her first granddaughter. We try and keep her memory alive with DS who we flew halfway round the world so that she could meet him.
It’s such an emotional time and when you are up to it I highly recommend counselling.
mumof23188 · 29/12/2020 19:12
I’m so sorry 💕 I’m so pleased to read that you were able to see your lovely mum and hear those special words.
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