Almost 18 Months in & Struggling

[AGB10]

My little one will be 18 months on Christmas Day. He is a really good boy, does have his moments, but generally is good and happy.
I feel awful saying this, but I am finding Motherhood and my new "life" now he is here really really hard. I just don't want to do it and often wonder why I thought having a child would be a good idea?!

I have struggled with feeling connected to my little boy - I appreciate he is cute, lovely and I care for him deeply, but have never felt this overwhelming love that people describe.
Where have I gone wrong??

I feel very alone with how I feel and wondered if anyone else feels the same?

Most days I want to cry and run away 🙁

Hi OP, you are not alone. I could have written your post and although I can't tell you a positive story from me, you are not alone in these feelings

I feel the exact same as you. My son will be one in 10 days and it has been nothing like I'd imagined and I do wonder why I thought having a child would be my 'happy ever after'. I do care for him but I don't get that overwhelming love that people describe. I never did. After a traumatic birth, i wondered if that contributed, as my son was in NICU. How was your birth?
I have been treated for PND, on Sertraline, but I often look and think what have I done.
It is incredibly difficult.
Do your friends have children and do you have support?

Thank you for replying!

I also had a traumatic birth, which I think probably does contribute to my feelings now. I just thought surely one day I will feel better? But that day has just not come.

I have a few friends with children, but none appear to be experiencing what I am. Understandably, there is only so much you are really 'honest' about in how you are feeling, do you find this too?

Sorry to hear you are also feeling the same, but definitely some reassurance to know I am not the only one! I thought no-one would reply to my post with similar experiences.

I know my Husband wants another child at some point, and right now I just can't ever see that happening. I find everything so unejoyable.

You’re definitely not the only ones, I too had a traumatic birth (there really must be something in that!!) and although I love my daughter and look after her very well I didn’t get that rush of immediate love and she’s nearly six months. I felt the first few months was just in a hazy bubble of not much emotion other than really hating my DP!! For some reason I absolutely couldn’t stand him for the first three months. I’m on sertraline now and feeling much better all round. I know we have bonded as I’m her go to person for everything and I am happy being her mum but I still feel a little detached, almost like she’s not really mine still....it’s very odd and you just feel guilty and odd when everyone constantly says isn’t it just so amazing, you never felt love like it I bet, bet you can’t imagine life without them and you just sort of nod along in agreement whilst feeling upset with yourself that you don’t....

There must be some relation to our births and how we feel now. Post traumatic stress must be linked to perhaps PND, but again this isn't spoken about.

I look back at photos of myself before having my little boy, and I genuinely don't recognise or remember myself.

Is this something I should speak to my Dr about? Is medication the next step to at least feeling a bit more 'normal' and 'happy'? I feel sad that I could potentially feel this way for the rest of my life - it's miserable, unhappy and really difficult.

I know what you mean about not feeling like they are yours - I feel this too!

I definitely think PTSD is linked to traumatic births and can definitely cause some sort of PND. I even felt uneasy at the dentist the other day looking up into the bright light, reminded me of being in theatre for my emergency csec
I would definitely speak to your GP - you don’t have to go down the meds route, maybe counselling or CBT? I have a history of mild depression and anxiety so had been on ADs before, they help me massively so was happy to ask for them again as soon as I recognised I really wasn’t myself. Doesn’t have to be forever, but if it is, so be it I’m ok with that. I do have a friend who I could be quite honest with and she has two kids, one she said she had that overwhelming rush of love for, and the other she didn’t - so it’s not super unusual. If you are able to have a break from the baby and (when we’re allowed!) do a solo activity you really enjoyed before being a mum, that might help get your old self back a bit. Are you due to go back to work? I always thought I’d love to be a SAHM but now I’m actually looking forward to going back, albeit part time. So I can be me again some days and not just mum (and glorified cleaner/cook/washerwoman)

So funny that you say that - when I had my first Dentist appointment after birth (which was almost a year after birth), I actually nearly fainted due to the similar environment of the hospital. I too had an emergency c-section, after a long, draining and traumatic labour.

I am already back at work - I now do 2 full days a week, which is great as it gets me out the house and a bit of time to be an adult again but I never feel excited to finish work and get home. If anything, the 2 days go by far too quickly.

I mentioned how I was feeling to the Nurse at my Sons 12/14 Month Development check and she said a HV would call me. They tried once and never called back again. I don't know how to go about asking for help really? Should I just call my Dr directly, or call the number back that the HV left for me?
I am not against taking any medication at all, if anything, I would welcome it - I suppose it's just the daunting process of getting to that point!

Thank you for replying!!

OP
I had a very traumatic birth and a bereavement on the same day it was horrific. I was feeling the same way as you although when my child was younger. I sought help from my GP and was referred for CBT/talking therapies for PTSD/PND and I also started medication and it helped massively. I’m not going to lie and say it was easy and it took months it wasn’t a quick fix but it really helped me come out the other side! My DC is 4 now and an absolute joy (that age is soooo much more fun than the baby years in my opinion.) I also increased my hours at work when my little on was around 16 months (I went to 4 days from 3) and did a post graduate course at uni-everyone said I was nuts but I really needed something for me and an achievement that was all mine! Time also does heal. Be kind to yourself, get some help from your GP/HV. I suspect there are more people around you feeling this way it just doesn’t fit with the Instagram life so many portray these days. Have you spoke to your partner/close family member-this really helped me having someone on board to hold my had to the door of the first therapy session etc. It will get better- so much so I have recently had another child (something of a surprise) but I spoke to my GP/midwife consultant early on had good MH support throughout preganacy, the most chilled out planned section ever and really solid support from my partner and family! Equally having one child and being done is good too and your OH has to respect your feelings on that too. X

Sorry you had such an awful birth, and a bereavement too, that must have been terrible for you.

I have felt this way for a very long time - probably since having my little boy, but I just kind of thought it would get better and I would eventually feel "normal" again.. perhaps this isn't the case, and I should have had help a long time ago.

My Husband does know that I struggle, but we don't speak about it often - perhaps I put on a good front for him to think I am doing well, or feeling better.

Did you find having a planned section helped? Congratulations and hope you are doing well!

Would it help if you went back 3-4 days a week?
Is it that you find it hard to spend all day with a minimally verbal person who in no way shares your interests?
Do you get time to indulge in hobbies.
Generally (and I didn't have a traumatic birth although my second son was in intensive care), I find everything up to 18 months quite dull. It's when they truly start to 'learn' and 'engage' that I find mothering much more fulfilling. My almost 9 year old and I were having a chat about the US presidential elections (he's half American as DH is American and we live in the US) and its a world away from nappies, and meal/nap times.
I wish I had known this in the first year of motherhood.

I will also say that DH is a very equal partner and I have a lot of free time to do what I want to.

I know what you mean about putting on a front I think it’s a very natural part of our instinct to survive we want everyone to think we are ok! There is also a lot of pressure from society for us to be ‘normal’ after having a baby and in my opinion there is nothing normal about nearly dying in childbirth then being sent home to get on with being solely responsible for a tiny human while battling a fuck tonne of hormones! Do try to speak to him even if it’s just to say you are ringing the GP/HV for some advice it’s good to have a handhold sometimes. I know health visitors tend to have a bad rep on mumsnet but mine was really helpful and they see/hear it much more than you think.
Planned section massively helped my consultant actually booked it at my 12 week scan so I had the date and time from very early on and not having to worry about labouring etc gave me the control I needed. My first birth was a shit show of 3 day back to back labour, shoulder dystocia, episiotomy and forceps with a PPH and sepsis thrown in and I found recovery from a planned section a breeze in comparison. I know an elective section doesn’t come without risks but it certainly removed a lot of my fears. I was walking around the supermarket on day 4. It was more than just the section though I had lots of things in place to help e.g combi feeding from day1 so I knew baby could take a bottle/have some rest, extra MW/HV support given my history and I think you have more realistic expectations with your 2nd. I have been incredibly lucky DC2 is the most chilled little thing but I do put some of this down to a very relaxed entry into the world and the fact that I am much more chilled this time!
I also found it much easier when my little one learned to talk the being able to communicate makes things much easier I think (mind they can communicate a bit too much sometimes these days 😂)

OP, I've been there. I also had a traumatic birth and child with colic and other health problems. The overwhelming love feeling didn't develop until well into the second year.
Have you had any help or support? I had CBT for postnatal anxiety when my daughter was between 9 and 13 months and it made a big difference.
Do you work at all? Going back to work part time really helped me to get some balance back in my life too. It gets easier as they get older, and the love starts to flow from that.

So much so that by the time she was 2.5 we decided to have another and I now have a 5 week old and a 3yo. This time birth was easy and the baby is well and I already feel that strong love. Don't underestimate how far a difficult birth and the reality of motherhood hitting during lockdown too will affect how you feel. Definitely worth speaking to someone about your feelings xxx

due to Covid I think post natal care this year has been shockingly bad (not blaming the NHS at all, just the virus/situation) but I feel we’ve all been sort of left to get on with things. If you have no joy with the health visitor then get on you your GP - in fact the health visitor may just have to refer you to your GP certainly for counselling or meds so maybe just go straight to GP (I did) and don’t let anyone fob you off - be insistent - you’ve felt this way for a very long time, you don’t deserve to suffer being unhappy anymore. If you do enjoy work could you maybe do more days? Even if it’s counterproductive financially i.e. if you have to pay for extra childcare I feel it’s so important for mums to be happy and look forward to spending time with the kids - if it’s only at the evening/weekend then so be it, if that is best for you and your family? A lot of people do say as PP has that it gets so much better once they’re little people - babies are a bit boring and you can feel very isolated just stuck at home with them. I’ve been listening to Giovanna Fletchers podcast, Happy Mum, Happy Baby (I think there’s a book too) and it’s really interesting - if you’re not in a good place you won’t enjoy any of it....you can’t pour from an empty cup. and I’m also definitely trying not to compare myself to others - so many people aren’t honest about how hard parenthood can be - or that sometimes they don’t enjoy it, or feel like they haven’t bonded, or miss their old selves etc! A good lady to follow if you have Facebook is a lady called Laura Mazza - she keeps it very real and writes very interesting posts, one the other day about PND

@AGB10 so many women have felt or feel exactly the same way. Please don't feel bad about it. I get so frustrated when I see things (especially on social media) about that instant connection and the supposedly blissful mum life. It's not blissful at all, it is draining, lonely and relentless. I don't care what anyone says. Yes, you get the odd smile or coo and it does make your heart melt but generally what do you get back after a day of feeding/winding/getting to sleep etc etc? Not much. My son (now 3) wasn't one for sleep and had bad reflux so most of the time I was just tired. And like you, had a bloody awful birth which most definitely resulted in PTSD. Exactly the same as @Itsalwayssunnyupnorth three day labour, forceps, sepsis. We ended up in hospital for ten days and it was hellish. But tbh, from the second he was born I didn't feel right. Breastfeeding was a sh*t show too and sucked the life out of me. I put so much pressure on myself to 'get it right'.

It took a long time but I'm happy now. He is the light of my life and just typing this makes me want to cry. I'm currently 17 weeks pregnant with #2 which in itself is an achievement as I was set on keeping it at one for the first couple of years after giving birth. I will also be having a planned section and taking as much help as I can post birth. I have no guilt about it either.

With the help of support groups, medication and LOTS of therapy I found myself again. If you aren't having therapy at the moment have a look on IAPT and self refer. If you can afford it, going private would benefit no end as you can find someone suited to you and your needs to getting better. I ended up being diagnosed with perinatal OCD so did lots of reading on it and took to meditating to calm my mind. I just wanted to say that this won't last forever. Nothing does. Be kind to yourself, no one deserves it more than you do. xxx

I am definitely glad many of us seem to feel the same - I agree that social media, and generally the vision of Motherhood is not what it is actually like!!

I could increase my work days, but I would then have to pay for childcare, as my Mum currently has my little boy for the 2 days I am working. It wouldn't make financial sense for me to increase my days, as I do travel slightly to come to work. I see what you are saying @Fullmoonparty with regards to work, but feel it might add extra stress to me which I don't need right now.

Thinking about it, I don't do ANYTHING for myself apart from come to work. My Husband works varied shifts, which include mornings, afternoons, evenings and nights so it is hard for me to even be apart of a local exercise group (as an example) as his shifts alter each week.

Pouring from an empty cup is exactly what I feel like I am doing right now. I feel very invisible, but very in need at the same time.

Congratulations @iloveyoubutilovememore, that's wonderful news :)

Mines the same my DP works long hours and very unsociable ones often and he’s just not very hands on. He does sod all round the house and spends ‘fun’ time with the baby probably totalling an hour a day, if that. Today I left her with him to get click and collect food shopping and I actually drove to the drive through Costa coffee after and sat in my car and drank my cappuccino in peace he said ‘blimey you were gone a long time’ and I just said oh yes, queue was huge for click and collect I thought, no bollocks she’s your child too you can do breakfast and I want to finish a cup of coffee whilst it’s still hot

one thing I was doing which was quite nice - before second lockdown - was a class called Sweaty Mamas - it’s a workout class but you can take the babies - you can put them in a sling and use them as your weight or just let them play on a mat or snooze in their buggies. Only time I got a chance to go workout, but not have to worry about childcare

@Fullmoonparty Good for you!! Such a good idea!

I am very grateful that my Husband is very hands on - he helps with as much as he can, when he is home, so I am very grateful but he doesn't do any cooking or much housework - not because he won't as such, just that I am around the house more!

The exercise class with children sounds like a good idea - my little one is walking/running now, so I don't think he would stay in the same place for long enough for me to do the full class! x

So, I am planning on calling my local Family Centre tomorrow - the number provided to me by my HV.

Does anyone have any advice on where to start with discussing with them how I am feeling?

I am unsure whether to call the Family Centre, or straight to my Doctor at the local Doctors Surgery?

Any advice would be very much appreciated!

Thank you x

It may be worth checking if your local family centre is open during covid-I know my local sure start/council run centre isn’t at the minute with lockdown. It may well be worth going straight to your GP especially if you are thinking of going down the therapy and/or medication route as that is where you will get signposted to anyway. I would just say you need to talk about possible PND and an outline of how you are feeling. They deal with this regularly, if you feel more comfortable you can request a female GP too.
Good luck

@Itsalwayssunnyupnorth Thank you for replying :)

I have looked online and can see that my local Family Centre is open, but unsure how receptive they will be to new "patients" in my situation.

I think I might go straight to my GP, as I think it will be a therapy and medication route.

Thank you!!

It won't necessarily be medication, but they will help you access talking therapies which can make a huge difference. I would definitely say try the GP. Can you also speak to your health visitor. They were good with me once I started opening up

I spoke to my GP and I have been referred for CBT after a follow up with a Therapist at my Doctors Surgery.. so good news and hopefully steps in the right direction!

I have also started 50mg of Lustral (Stertraline) - taking 25mg a day for the next 2 weeks. I just wondered if anyone has any experience with the side effects? I am feeling quite light headed, nauseous and also found I am subconciously clenching my teeth and jaw together??

Hey yes I’m on 50g sertraline too - yes definitely felt like that the first couple of weeks too (this is the second time I’ve been on them) but it does disappear - now only side effect I have is the craziest most vivid dreams - worse than when I was pregnant! Not horrible tho, so quite entertaining, must unlock that part of the brain 🤷🏼‍♀️
You should start to hopefully level out soon but give ADs a good 4-8 weeks to really kick in. I just feel more relaxed and content in general. Good luck! CBT is also great, well done for going to the GP x

@Fullmoonparty
I am feeling quite rough today, and can only put how I am feeling down to taking the tablets. It has made me feel a bit unusual!
My Doctor said it tends to mean your brain needs the medication if you feel the side effects.. not sure if he said that to keep me taking them until they truely kick in.
Thank you!

Definitely stick with it for longer, eventually the side effects should just subside and you should feel much more level - the doctor will work with you after that if they really don’t suit you and try you on a different one

@Fullmoonparty
I will definitely stick with them!
I mainly feel a bit spaced out, and the jaw things is worrying me a bit.. I don't want it to be a permemant issue from taking them?!