I don't like being a mum and I don't like my baby
2020firsttimemum · 10/08/2020 18:50
also posted on another topic
I already know that this will probably make me sound like a horrible person / mum but sometimes you need to vent
I had a pretty crappy pregnancy with backache and rib pain, stupidly swollen feet / hands and constant fatigue. I was also pretty big considering I'm only 5'2 with a petite frame normally.
The birth was traumatic. I wanted a peaceful as natural as I could birth but was open to things not going completely my way. However things went really wrong for me and I ended up having medication for blood pressure, being constantly monitored, a cannula in and and an epidural (which I really didn't want even at the time) a catheter fitted which took 3 people 4 attempts to get in, a clip placed on babies head via me, samples taken from babies head via me, at least 15 internal examinations in about 12 hours, my waters broken which had meconium and ultimately an emergency c section which was my worst fear / nightmare
It's really affected me I think. My boy is now 4 weeks old and I cannot shake this feeling of him not being mine and really disliking him a lot of the time. I can't bare it when he cries and for some reason it just makes me feel so angry at him (I would never hurt him obviously) I feel no form of motherly instinct, and I would have no concern for him staying the night elsewhere or someone else having him for the day. Like I wouldn't worry about him and I feel like that's not normal.
I have horrendous stretch marks which look hideous and purple, I'm still recovering from the section and obviously can't drive, nothing fits as maternity stuff is too big and my normal clothes are too small and I feel like I'm resenting my baby for all of these things.
I do love him, but I don't feel an overwhelming amount of love if that makes sense.
Please tell me it gets better or can anyone else share their experiences.
My boyfriend and I spoke about this tonight and it's really upset him with how I feel understandably and I just don't know how to fix it 😭
Bitchinkitchen · 10/08/2020 19:06
@2020firsttimemum this sounds like classic PND. Please call your HV and your GP, you can get medication and counselling and you'll feel so, so much better. You deserve to be enjoying your baby, please reach out and get some help.
MistressMounthaven · 10/08/2020 19:12
Your post is sadly a list of unpleasant feelings and events through your pregnancy and your baby's birth. No wonder your feelings at present are mixed. What makes things worse is everyone expects you to be thrilled with the new baby when all you feel is tired and uncomfortable.
You could do to speak to someone understanding about your feelings to get it all out and to realise that much of it is v normal.
A friend of mine said post birth she was in a state of ecstatic excitement = I have to say having had 3, none of mine were remotely like that, I always felt exhausted and drained of emotion.
However, as I said I had 3, the feelings fade and the discomfort heals. Try to hang on in there OP but speak to your GP tomorrow to make a start on recovery from what is an exhausting experience.
dasherr · 10/08/2020 19:19
OP please talk to your Health Visitor and GP. You've had such a rough time. Talk to them and take care of yourself.
semideponent · 10/08/2020 19:21
OP, I'm so sorry to hear you've had such a painful and invasive experience. It sounds as though it was very stressful and you didn't have a chance to prepare for what actually happened.
I haven't read your other thread, I'm just responding to the post here.
I think you're easing into doing the bravest thing: asking for help: help to process what happened to you during the pregnancy and birth. I wish I could tell you things just get better, but they don't: they just go underground. What happened to you sounds difficult to face and really connect with, but with good support, you can build on the brave step you've just taken by posting here. Bear in mind that they what happened to you and the way you feel about it is part of a bigger pattern: you've given birth at a time when the health service is traumatised, anxiety runs high, and the focus has been protecting you and your baby from Covid, at the expense of more human and gentle approaches to managing a difficult birth.
Is there anyone you can get on side to help you find a way backwards to what happened in order to process the pregnancy and birth? It might be a friend, a GP, a local counselling service, or any combination of the 3, You aren't alone and you can do it. You've already taken the first step posting here
CokeEnStock · 10/08/2020 19:44
OP definitely have a chat with your HV about this! I too had an emergency Caesarian and I hear you when you say you feel like the baby isn't really yours. I felt quite traumatised and upset I hadn't been "there" when she was born. I felt like I was wallowing in treacle for the first few months. Never had a wave of love, felt useless when baby cried. I looked after her but it was like going through the motions initially. Couldn't watch the news as everything was dreadful. It DOES get better. Honestly! There came a time when she smiled at me and that was that. She's a teenager now and all this seems so minor in retrospect. Look after yourself. Tell people how you are feeling and get whatever practical help you can. It WILL get better.
CokeEnStock · 10/08/2020 19:49
To this day, I still cry when I see a "normal" birth on TV and baby handed over. I felt so bloody cheated. I did do a debrief with the mw which helped. Everything else came with time.
nevermore · 10/08/2020 20:26
Ah darling, it will get better. I often felt the same with both my children, got the controlled crying wrong and attempted it at 8 weeks rather than 8 months and shouted far too much. I left them with their dad only weeks after they were born for a few days each and went away. I just didn't feel naturally maternal but they are now 15 & 16 and we have a wonderful relationship. They get easier and easier year by year and the love grows but please do seek help to get you through this horrible time. I also think that personal therapy can help to understand something of why we become the parents we do and how why we might avoid attachment or be anxious about it. I certainly wish I'd had it earlier to help me be kinder to myself (and a bit less shouty with my amazing children). This is possibly the toughest time you'll face, hang in there.
BringPizza · 10/08/2020 20:30
You're not a horrible person. Please speak honestly to your HV, this is within the bounds of 'normal' and they can help.
Betsyboo87 · 10/08/2020 20:39
It’s normal to feel overwhelmed to some degree but I don’t want to tell you that your experience is normal as I think it’s really important that you speak to a professional. Either your HV or GP. It’s a good step that you have recognised that you’re struggling, now you need the right support to move forward and they are the best people to help with this.
I’m 6 weeks in and I’ve had my struggles. I also had a traumatic birth - my postpartum midwife was shocked by my birth report. It’s a big experience to recover from both physically and mentally but it’s so hard to when you have a newborn to care for. It really does get easier but it’s not overnight, just little by little. It’s absolutely ok if you need support in the meantime.
Squashpocket · 10/08/2020 20:57
I've had 2 babies - one I bonded with instantly, the other I felt a bit like you. All the negative things you're feeling, although they are real and you have every right to feel aggrieved about the birth, your body, your loss of control over your life, they probably wouldn't be bothering you so much if your mental health was in good shape.
Please see your health visitor or GP. PND is an insidious thing - you can feel like there's nothing wrong with you, that everything else is wrong. I found as soon as the treatment kicked in, the clouds lifted and I could see things more clearly. I wouldn't say it solved all my problems, but I could identify which were real and how I could address them and focussed less on the things I couldn't control.
maybemu · 10/08/2020 21:50
I know how you feel, my birth was the same as yours except the c section. It's not what I planned either. I felt a lot like you and it really happens to so many mums. Please call your gp tomorrow. I found BF really tricky and when he cried for milk I got a sick feeling in my tummy. I just felt pure dread at the thought of feeding him and then guilty for feeling that way. Changing to bottles really helped me and gave my DH chance to feed bubs and give me a break. I used to take the chance of quite feeding to sit in another room and just relax which I found really tricky. I'm 14 weeks in now and feeling much better. Sending lots of love.
2020firsttimemum · 11/08/2020 12:10
Thank you all for your kind words and offers of support
It's very hard to admit when something is wrong and makes me feel like a bigger failure that I'm unable to cope.
The baby has gone to MILs today as my boyfriend is working away and I think he thinks I won't be able to cope (he says it's to give me a break and I know he means well but that's not the reason at all)
I need to book our 6-8 week check so I'll ask the Doctors if they can book it on the 6 week side of things so I can hopefully get some help as well.
What a rubbish feeling 😢
Lardlizard · 11/08/2020 12:26
You poor lamb
I think a bad birth experience can really affect people badly
Please do talk to your gp
2020firsttimemum · 12/08/2020 16:51
Well, I did it. I called them and I'm now in the waiting room of the GPS waiting to see someone.
Wish me luck😬
Lardlizard · 12/08/2020 16:52
Well done you, you deserve to be helped
Wishing you the best of luck
Update is how you get on
Well done for being brave
onceakitty · 12/08/2020 17:05
We had a very similar pregnancy/labour experience by the sounds of it. The pregnancy was hard, a lot of pain. My back was screwed and I had HG. I am absolutely covered in stretch marks now (at least I can't get anymore) and the birth was remarkably similar to what you describe as well (clip, samples, emergency section) amongst other things.
It's been 8 months however and I feel much better in general now. The stretch marks annoy me but apparently they are fading (I don't often look if I'm honest).
It is so difficult, you need to speak to a professional about how you are feeling. That way you can get better and feel better. That's the most important thing.
Try not to worry - you will feel yourself again! It can just take time.
If you want to chat then feel free x
2020firsttimemum · 13/08/2020 10:53
So I went and the lady was lovely bless her (albeit maybe a bit patronising, probably not intentional)
I had the option of either group therapy basically, counselling but it's all online or medication. She thinks medication is best for now and we can review in 2 weeks.
I feel relieved partially, but also sad still that I need help to look after my baby properly. But I'm more positive that this will pass, and it will get easier.
Thank you for all your kind words.
Brokensunrise · 13/08/2020 21:09
Well done OP I’m not a mum myself yet but I’ve read SO many posts like yours on here, all feel like they’re totally horrible people to feel this way and that they can’t imagine anyone would feel the same. Although of course having your son is a wonderful thing, you’ve also been through a very traumatic experience and your life has changed considerably. To me it really doesn’t seem a surprise that you are struggling - I’m sure I would in your shoes! And the feeling about not having overwhelming love for your son is again something I’ve heard a lot on here - and I’ve been here years!
Don’t berate yourself too much, you’ve been through a lot and you’re doing your best. Don’t be afraid to accept help from others whilst you find your feet. Do you have any friends you could talk to in real life?
asya47 · 15/08/2020 21:17
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2020firsttimemum · 16/08/2020 13:52
@Brokensunrise I'm okay thank you. My boyfriend took Friday off to help so the real challenge will begin tomorrow when he goes back to work 😬 (albeit at home but still)
Baby is ratty as hell and obviously going through the week 5/6 leap and not sleeping at all but we'll get there I suppose!
Thanks for checking in 🤍
absolutehush · 16/08/2020 14:03
I didn't love my baby for a really long time - months. I had PND and really struggled not to regret my choices.
The things that helped me were reminding myself that it's ok not to love the baby in that really intense way at first - you barely know them. It takes time for those feelings to grow, sometimes. I also had a difficult pregnancy and just felt resentful of all the pain and worry and how different my life was. More mums than you realise feel like this.
Someone told me that sometimes love is best shown through your actions- if you're caring for your child, comforting them, feeding them, cuddling them then that's enough love for now, and the rest will follow.
Asking for help is the right thing to do, and you should be immensely proud to have done so.
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