I don't like being a mum and I don't like my baby

[2020firsttimemum]

also posted on another topic

I already know that this will probably make me sound like a horrible person / mum but sometimes you need to vent

I had a pretty crappy pregnancy with backache and rib pain, stupidly swollen feet / hands and constant fatigue. I was also pretty big considering I'm only 5'2 with a petite frame normally.

The birth was traumatic. I wanted a peaceful as natural as I could birth but was open to things not going completely my way. However things went really wrong for me and I ended up having medication for blood pressure, being constantly monitored, a cannula in and and an epidural (which I really didn't want even at the time) a catheter fitted which took 3 people 4 attempts to get in, a clip placed on babies head via me, samples taken from babies head via me, at least 15 internal examinations in about 12 hours, my waters broken which had meconium and ultimately an emergency c section which was my worst fear / nightmare

It's really affected me I think. My boy is now 4 weeks old and I cannot shake this feeling of him not being mine and really disliking him a lot of the time. I can't bare it when he cries and for some reason it just makes me feel so angry at him (I would never hurt him obviously) I feel no form of motherly instinct, and I would have no concern for him staying the night elsewhere or someone else having him for the day. Like I wouldn't worry about him and I feel like that's not normal.

I have horrendous stretch marks which look hideous and purple, I'm still recovering from the section and obviously can't drive, nothing fits as maternity stuff is too big and my normal clothes are too small and I feel like I'm resenting my baby for all of these things.

I do love him, but I don't feel an overwhelming amount of love if that makes sense.

Please tell me it gets better or can anyone else share their experiences.

My boyfriend and I spoke about this tonight and it's really upset him with how I feel understandably and I just don't know how to fix it 😭

I had a disastrous planned cesarean due to medical negligence and have struggled to bond with my daughter. She's 17 months now and the love has grown - I do still struggle with her.

Hey OP just wanted to drop by as I really relate. I wanted a lovely Hypnobirthing style birth and ended up with traumatic c section. Then PND. It was relatively mild though because I was already on antidepressants so my existing medication has been a huge safety net. You will feel a lot better when yours kicks in, and if you don't then keep trying because when it works it's amazing.

I just wanted to say that as well as PND, having a newborn is just really shit. I can't understand those women who say they love every minute and all this extreme rush of love. I hated it! I say this to try to help you see that your reaction to the sleepless nights, the stress of a crying baby, the stress and pain of trying to feed, the complete lack of any time to yourself, and the very boring monotony is actually completely understandable. It's a massively challenging time, and you have pnd on top! Of course you're feeling crap. Please give yourself all the kindness and understanding you can muster and don't blame yourself for this time not being what we all expect before we are actually living it!

My baby is now six months and the difference is night and day. Instead of a little screamy thing that just seemed miserable all night and day, she's a happy sociable little girl who sleeps through and naps (ish) and squeals and smiles when she sees us. She loves peekaboo and watching our dog. She rolls over and gives me a huge smile. You just need to stick out the fourth trimester and it all starts getting a lot better.

Talking to a woman from a pnd charity called bluebell absolutely saved me. It was online because of lockdown but just hearing from someone who understood everything I felt was so powerful, and she was reassuring and promised me everything gets better. It did. Please see if there is a bluebell equivalent near you or give the pandas helpline a call.

If you're in the southwest pm me, maybe we are near each other

@BoomyBooms how do you PM on this? And where in the south west are you?

It's just so bloody hard. Yesterday and today he's been particularly difficult! He slept last night from 8:30pm until 11 (after a full day of crying basically) when he was fed and went down at midnight. Woke for a feed at 3:45 and went back down afterwards and then got up at 7am for the next one which is great and I love that he sleeps so well at night. But we pay for it during the day! He has honestly only slept probably about an hour the entire day and has spent the rest of it SCREAMING his head off. The only time he was quiet was when he was being fed or at bath time (he loves a bath)

I'm just at my wits end with him and I just don't know what to do. The only time he stops is if he's literally snuggled into my chest 🤦🏽‍♀️ he makes it so hard to like him

The positive I'm taking from today - he's given us proper smiles in between his crying phases. Smiling one minute and screaming the next.

God help me 😢

Have you talked to anyone about whether baby has any medical reason for so much screaming? Reflux, lactose allergies etc? When he’s snuggled into your chest is he lying on his front?

The older they get the more you connect, I find. My little one is now 7 months. I had an emergency caesarian too. It is serious surgery, so remember to take care of your self. If finances stretch, i recommend a good post party massage, a pelvic MOT and some body work. These things made me feel like I landed back in my body and could be more in touch with little dude. Please do seek out whatever support you can. And remember, not sleeping is exhausting and you are in a massive transition. It really does improve day by day.

I remember saying to my husband that I felt worried that i didn't immediately feel 'besotted', as so many people describe. It took us years to have a child and there was a lot of pain in the back story. It frightened me that maybe I didn't love him enough. He is the apple of our eye now and I cannot imagine life without him. Honour your experiences, take time to heal and trust the journey. xx

OP - Also, this video helped me a lot. It's about baby language. Amazing.

Also, little one didn't really start yelling till about 6 weeks but when he did - cor blimey! This video about The Hold, was a TOTAL GODSEND. My DH quickly became a pro at it and it helped everyone calm down, fast. There is nothing more agonising than baby screaming and you not knowing why.

Hope these links help.

Op, my heart goes out to you. That's a tough collection of traumas in anyone's book, how could you sail blithely into motherhood with all that to recover from.
It is tough when babies cry but even more so without that bond. Pull in all the help you can, the physically easier this gets, the quicker you can recover and start your journey to the kind of motherhood we all hope for. Definitely see your doctor, I was referred for cpt after my second and was put at to of list as they prioritise new mums, it helped massively. I went from feeling like I was at the bottom of a deep dark well to having a ladder to climb out.
It takes years to raise a child so don't panic because the first few weeks haven't been the best, but you and baby will both be happier if you can get on your feet so to speak. Let's face it, all that you copied with was not your doing, or asked for or fair, so why shouldn't you be helped to get to the point where you can be the best mum you can be.

I think a lot of people go through this dont they... my friend did.. she said she feels it was due to a difficult birth. She said eventually the love grew xx