I resent my baby

[amazedmummy]

I've been diagnosed with PND/PNA. I'm under the perinatal mental health team but obviously change isn't immediate.
DS is 9 weeks and I'm not in a good place. DH was doing a lot of his night feeds so I could sleep but he's just started a very demanding new job so I've taken over. It's really making me resent my baby. Tonight for example he keeps waking and screaming. I'm pretty sure it's colic but we have no coping strategy as he's never had it before. He'll only settle on top of me so I've slept for about 1.5 hours in total. I also know I have the whole bloody day while DH is at work 9-11 just trapped with this screaming child. I can face these long days with some sleep behind me but I don't have that just now, last night was just as bad. I just want to seep, DH is lying next to me snoring and I actually hate him for it.
I want to love him and be a good mum but I really feel like I'm doing the things I have to do rather than want to do. Pretty sure this makes me the worst mum in the world. Who doesn't love a tiny baby that they wanted for years before he came along? It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Hi @amazedmummy

sorry hear you're feeling low - 4am is just the worst time, isn't it?

I know you say your DH has a new job and all, but if you feel you need some real life support right now, please wake him and try and get couple of hours sleep.

also, can you contact the mental health team, even just for a chat?
Is is somewhere you can go physically? just to get out of the house later and have some interaction with another adult during the day?

Do you have family/friends that can come over to watch the baby so you can have a nap later?

for you - maybe you can talk to a health visitor or midwife for some tips on dealing with colic too

just keep telling yourself - this too shall pass

also it does NOT make you a bad mum!
forgot to say the most important thing!

if you were a bad mum, you wouldn't be thinking about it and wouldn't be trying to make it better.

I too felt like this too so you have my sympathy big time. Sleep deprivation is a killer and makes yr thoughts go crazy where i was obsessed with the hours he and i slept . So i did this- i literally slept when baby did, got shed loads of microwave meals in and got a cleaner too while this lasted . Go to gp too to sort colic best you can. Always have a plan where you can stop all else u need to do apart from the baby so you sleep. I also went back to work early one day a week which kept me sane x

You have my full sympathy x dd is 9 months and has been like this since birth and I’m on my knees. My dh is amazing but he too is snoring away next to me while I’m squashed into the tiniest part of our bed afraid to move in case it wakes the baby who apparently has to be in contact with my batt to stay asleep. I’ve been awake all night and I’m dreading tomorrow (today in fact). Yesterday I was so tired I had a (minor but still upsetting) accident in my car. I honestly wish we’d never had her, I can’t go on like this

Thanks for the replies everyone

@NiteWotcha he really can't cope without sleep in theory I can nap through the day so it makes most sense for me to be up with him. I don't have many friends and none with children so nobody that would really be confident to help. My mum is lovely but is often busy so again can't really help. We have baby massage class that we go to on a Thursday but nothing other than that at the moment. I can get out to go to the shops or something but sometimes that's more stressful than helpful.

@Molly333 we couldn't afford a cleaner, I have ready meals in the freezer but sometimes I'm too tired to even be bothered. I'm back to work in July when DS will be 8 months, I'm not sure I could cope with the guilt of going back any earlier and my job wouldn't let me come back part time unless I permanently change my hours which isn't doable. The house is a mess and I think that's making me feel worse but I don't have the time to do much about it.

@AwkwardAsAllGetout it sucks. I had a picture in my head of what it would be like when we finally managed to have a child and this really wasn't it. I was expecting to be tired but this is completely taking the piss. DH talks about how amazing he is all the time and how he would do anything for him. I then feel even more shit for not feeling like that at all. DH also thinks it's sweet that I'm so good at getting him to sleep but all that means is I'm the one awake all night with a baby on me while he sleeps because he won't settle for DH and he just keeps screaming meaning that nobody gets any sleep.

I'm sat here feeding my 9 week old as well. Luckily this time I just have a little PNA, but with my last child I had PND and PTSD quite badly so I can relate. It is utter shit and I'm sorry you're going through this.

Practical things that help me are DH having the baby in the evening until 11pm so I can sleep then and again in the morning for an hour from 6am. I don't know if you're breast feeding, I am, but when my husband has DD he gives her a bottle of formula so she's more likely to settle when he brings her back.

DD goes through phases of only wanting to sleep on me. Have perfected this as best I can with no duvets around us and a nursing pillow under my arms and her on my chest. I also kick DH out to sleep on the sofa so I can sit in the middle of the bed. Not super comfortable, but works if you're tired enough.

Colic is hard. I wish babies could tell you what was wrong. Try a thorough winding after every feed. DD was recently quite upset and it was constipation? Last DC had silent reflux, but had that from the start. Not sure it would start this late on. If all else fails I put the sling on and rock DD to sleep in that which nearly always works when all else fails. Can't sleep with her in it, but at least she stops crying. I then stand or sit on the edge of the bed to make sure I don't fall asleep. Can often transfer her out without waking her once she's in a deep sleep.

I hope you feel better in yourself soon. I felt so disconnected from my first child. Just going through the motions and wishing we'd never had him. One day I looked up though and realised I loved him. I don't know when it happened, it wasn't a big rush, just a slow drip drip, but I did. And now I love him fiercely and completely. I think it was looking after him, getting to know him and knowing that he depended on and wanted me despite all my failings that did it. Lots of to you.

Also, just reading your reply. Your DH needs to have him regardless of if he settles better for you. That will never change until he works out his own way to settle your DS. Has he tried a sling? It's not fair when you have a baby who won't be put down. Get some ear plugs. My DH stands and rocks her for 3 hours if he has to just so I get a window of sleep. Once she screamed solidly for ages and he brought her to me, but if she's just niggly he just gets on with it.

I've been through similar

I think having a baby with colic really does take it's toll on the care gives. Is he breast/bottle fed? Anti colic formula helped for us. Once we switched he cried for 2-3 hours in the evening, before that it was much more. I also found it was best to try and let him sleep, so I used to let him fall asleep in my arms and then I wouldn't move for fear of disturbing him and the crying starting again.
When he hit 4 months I started slowly weaning him and he was instantly so much better.

My dp works away Monday to Friday so I understand your exhaustion when you are responsible day and night for a tiny baby.
I remember thinking that my life was ruined even though we had planned for this baby.

I started meds in October and within about 2 weeks my mood was lifting. I started to enjoy spending time with the baby.
I still had massive anxiety problems that I went to therapy for after this.

I would say even now I'm not fully right, but am so much better.

The colic will pass with time, so will the night feeds so just hang in there.

I was where you are 2 weeks ago. We had hit the 4mo sleep regression and tbh I had been ignoring my PND symptoms for a couple of months.

I had to call the doctor and accept tablets. I am now beginning to feel better. Please don't feel guilty for how you are feeling. Just know that it will get better.

Have you considered safe co sleeping ? That is what I essentially do now. Baby goes in his cot, then when he wakes and won't settle he comes into bed with me.

In regards to housework etc, I used to be so house proud. My DH has OCD when it comes to cleanliness and I have inherited some of those habits. Now, I just try and set myself one goal a day, whether it be to hoover the whole house, or clean the bathrooms.

Fresh air will do you good. Don't worry about strapping into car seats and the faff that comes with crowded public places, even if you just go for a stroll around the block.

It will get better. You are not a bad mum. You are going through a bad time that's all.

Thanks @Discoballs he does have silent reflux but that doesn't seem to be what's bothering him. When he's refluxy he's gargley and coughs. This is just awake crying. I'm pretty sure it's trapped wind. He's bottle fed so thoroughly burped during and after feeding. He was constipated due to infant gaviscon for his reflux but it was horrible to see him like that, it seems the silent reflux is the lesser of two evils. He sleeps in his sling really well but I can't get him out of it without waking him up.
I think if DH worked more normal hours or shorter shifts then we could work something out but he's really only home for 10 hours a day.

I'm just struggling to remember why I thought this was a good idea and why I thought I'd be good at it. He's needing fed so I asked DH to do it so I could try and get to sleep but he's really grumpy when he's tired. I best get his bottle sorted.

Also, I am in a similar situation. DH works 6 - 8pm most nights. Family are miles away. No real friends where I live so it's very isolating.

Have you tried to initiate an evening routine for baby? We do feed at 6. Bath at 7:30. Mat time play time, then sleep at 8:15-9. Sleep bag on, last bottle in nursery with low light and white noise. Baby goes down about 9.30. a routine helped massively when it came to less night wakings. Before the 4mo regression he slept 9.30-6 x

How many mo has he drank before you burp baby?

he's really grumpy when he's tired

I don't mean to go on, but your DH needs to get with the programme!
its his kid too - he doesn't get to be grumpy when he's tired!! He has to step up if you're struggling - if you're not a team, its sooo much harder.

I feel for you, I really really do.

It took me months and months to like my baby and even longer to love her. I felt like a terrible mum. But someone told me that love isn't just in the emotions, it's in all the practical things you do too. So right now, it's enough that you take care of your child. The rest will follow when it's right. Love is more complicated than we like it to be.

On a practical note, I had a reflux baby and I loathed her. I wanted her to be asleep all the time, and if I could have walked away I would have. I saw a GP who prescribed omeprazole and it was a huge help.

I know it's not for everyone but we also sleep trained and it was a game changer. Knowing that I could expect 1-2 wake ups on a normal night was huge for me. It just took the dread out and meant that if we did one each, everyone was getting 6 or so hours. I do know it's not for everyone. I'm happy to make a recommendation for a sleep consultant.

I just want to say how normal it is to struggle after a baby. Please don't anyone feel bad for feeling like this. It will eventually pass.

He's ok just over 6oz at the moment, he has an ounce before I try to burp, if I can't get him to burp then I give him a little more until he does. Then we go on.

I'm not being fair to DH he has been great, I lost a lot of blood during my section and he did every night feed so I could get back on my feet.

The reflux really isn't that bad, it was worse which is why we went to the GP and they prescribed the gaviscon. He's just a clingy baby. It's not so bad during the day, I put him in his sling and I can have a kind of normal day it's just at night when I need to get some sleep that it's making me miserable. My mum is lovely but she thinks the reason he doesn't like to be put down is because I cuddle him. She thinks if I just sat him down he would get on with it.

Sleep training is something we might consider in the future but for now he's so small and with me not working for a few months money is a bit tight.

Sorry to drip feed but DH has fallen asleep holding him in bed twice so I'm reluctant to just leave him to it even if he felt he was up to it.

The only thing I would suggest is rather than feeding him again if he doesn't burp, lay him down flat for a few minutes instead - if he squirms it's an indication of wind and normally lifting him up and burping him again releases it.

Also, we also loosely sleep train our five week old (had our first six hour sleep tonight) and all we do is: bath at 7:30pm, dried in dim light (we have a wife bulb set to 1%), nappy on, fed in dim light, rocked for ten minutes, put down to sleep for half eight. All of this whilst we play white noise womb sounds from google home which we have placed near the cot. We have gradually seen his sleep increase over the last two weeks, so much so I was worried about how much he had been sleeping for. We made these changes based on a book I have been reading and because like you, I was running on empty and really really struggling.

Even if things like this dont work, remember it will pass and you're doing a great job. You're doing this on your own by the sounds of things. On your DP's day off, designate as your lie in days if you can't make him help with night feeds.

But if he gets home at 11pm, can he not do the next feed once he comes home? Some days you must have one around 11:39 - midnight?

I felt similar. I tried to make things as equal as possible with childcare in the relationship. This involved me stopping bf at three months and going back to work when DC1 was 13 weeks. (SImilar for DC2). I finally got a break. A sense of normality and routine returned, childcare was shared more equally. I felt 100% better. They're now teens but have no regrets about outsourcing the hard bits, despite the cost of childcare!

@Ilovethekitties if there's a feed that matches up with when he's home he'll do it but it doesn't always work. Does your little one get upset being put down after 10 mins? I do bath and feeding in dimmed light then I put him in his sleeping bag and cuddle him until he's asleep then put him down. That usually works pretty well unless something upsets him (too cold, trapped wind). If something happens then it's inevitable that he'll wake again. DH's go to if he's upset is that he needs fed. E.G this morning he fed at 6, back down for 6:50ish. He woke and cried at 7:30 and he said he must be hungry, really he was cold.

@cptartapp we have a nursery place for him but not until July so I couldn't really go back any earlier than that. At the moment I'm not sure if that's what I'd want but it's not an option so it doesn't matter.

I had to leave him to cry this morning because I didn't trust myself to pick him up. I'm so angry at not being allowed to sleep. It's irrational but I honestly feel like he's screaming and staying awake just to spite me.

Huge sympathies and another reassuring voice to tell you that you are not in any way a bad mother. You allude to waiting a long time for him and it is important to remember that wanting a baby / waiting a long time for a baby and experiencing challenges on the journey to have one in no way shields you from the reality of actually having one. Indeed there is alot of research out there to suggest that experiencing infertility / miscarriage and reproductive traumas actually increases the mother’s risk of pnd / pna. I say that because I fell into that camp and used it as a real stick to beat myself with - my disordered thinking being ‘I wanted this baby so much, I waited so long, I had to go through so much - so why isnt it easier?. Why am I not experiencing total joy and the #blessed version of motherhood one finds on instagram?

The reality is that motherhood is hard, new motherhood a huge learning curve and even worse when there are factors such as reflux, colic and a partner working long hours. I would aim to get the reflux as medicated as possible - gaviscon is only one medication to try and certainly not the whole story with Omeprazole and ranitidine being alternatives. How many bottle feeds does your baby have in a 24 hour period? reflux babies often do better having feeds little and often.

Can you pop baby in the pram, get some headphones on and blast out some music or listen to podcasts? I always found that really helpful.

Thank you @Puddlelane123 you're all so kind.

It took us a few years to convince DS and we had a loss along the way. It's reassuring to know that I'm not alone what you've said really resonates with me.

With his reflux I'm reluctant to give him anything that lasts all day as during the day he's absolutely amazing. He sleeps well hardly cries. It's just at night it all falls to shit. He has 6/7 180ml bottles, if I try to give him much less than that he just won't settle. He was/is a big boy so he's hungry.

I'm not sure I'll get out the house today, im having a bit of a rough day today but tomorrow might be better.

I'm so sorry you're having a particularly shite day. I remember once having to leave the room when the baby was crying because I was so cross with her I wanted to fling her out the window. I never would have, but I recognised that I wasn't in a place where I could deal with her. I took a few minutes and went back in.

Well done for realising you're at your limit and taking a break for a moment.

It does get better.

Try to remember that sleep deprivation is a torture device. Add in the responsibility of a child, the physical changes of motherhood, the pressures of society and how you think you ought to feel etc etc and it's no wonder new mums have a hard time.

Do try to be kind to yourself.

Don't know if anyone will check back on this thread but things are worse than ever. I'm seriously considering leaving and not coming back. DH will be able to look after him. I'm done.

Oh, I am so so so sorry.

You must be feeling awful. Are you ok? (I know you're not, really). Is there anything specific that's caused you to feel this way, or just more of the same? No sleep, long nights?

Can your DH take the day off work? Or is there anyone who can come over?

On a practical note, I think you really need to see your GP. If nothing else, they might be able to refer you to home start for some support.

Is your HV any good? Could you give them a call?

I'm thinking of you, I really am.

How many months is your little one now?