I resent my baby

[amazedmummy]

I've been diagnosed with PND/PNA. I'm under the perinatal mental health team but obviously change isn't immediate.
DS is 9 weeks and I'm not in a good place. DH was doing a lot of his night feeds so I could sleep but he's just started a very demanding new job so I've taken over. It's really making me resent my baby. Tonight for example he keeps waking and screaming. I'm pretty sure it's colic but we have no coping strategy as he's never had it before. He'll only settle on top of me so I've slept for about 1.5 hours in total. I also know I have the whole bloody day while DH is at work 9-11 just trapped with this screaming child. I can face these long days with some sleep behind me but I don't have that just now, last night was just as bad. I just want to seep, DH is lying next to me snoring and I actually hate him for it.
I want to love him and be a good mum but I really feel like I'm doing the things I have to do rather than want to do. Pretty sure this makes me the worst mum in the world. Who doesn't love a tiny baby that they wanted for years before he came along? It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Oh OP I'm so sorry things have been so tough for you. Those first few months were torturous in my experience. Please speak to your GP or your HV - there is help out there, I promise. I felt exactly the same as you - in fact I was suicidal - but once I got on the right medication and got the right support things started getting so much better. You can do this, I promise.

Being on your own all day is really hard. I didn't have PND but for the early months I tried to go to a group or invite a friend (with or without babies) round every day, even if it was just for an hour to break the day up. Even having two babies and two adults means you can go to the loo in peace, get some cooking done and feel human again.

It is so so hard. Have you been in touch with the perinatal team to let them know how much you are struggling? It’s really important that you try and get as much support as you can, from anyone around you. Being a new mum is so isolating and lonely and it just exacerbates everything. Happy to PM with you if you want to xx

The early days can be shit.

My first was a much wanted IVF baby but I can relate to what you have posted. Don't feel guilty. You are leaving him to cry so you don't hurt him, sometimes you just need to leave them in a safe space for a few minutes and breathe/cry. I remember telling my DH I wanted to leave him in his cot and drive away. Looking back I kept a lot of feelings from HV but you're doing the right thing getting help for PND.

Hang in there, you can get through this. Like someone suggested maybe another visit to GP?

You are not alone:) Sleep deprivation is horrible and unless youve been there you just cannot imagine it. Can you talk to your mum and dh have her take him for a night or let DH watch him for a night while yo get some needed rest at your mums? I promise it gets better, there are people who can and will help when they know how much you are struggling xx

Thanks everyone. I think I need to go back to the GP. They prescribed antidepressants but I didn't get on with them. I think I'll need to try something else. I'm feeling quite sick just now so I won't be able to get out today. Today feels like a survival challenge. Juggle the baby with throwing up. I just have to get through it.

He's 3 months now @absolutehush. I asked DH to take the day off but apparently he can't. I've to call him if I'm really not managing. I wasn't managing before he left. I have been to the GP and they put me on a list for counselling, I imagine it's a long list. HV is coming tomorrow and my house is a riot.

Make that GP appointment today, do. It can take a few tries to find the right thing but it's really helpful once you do.

Can I ask roughly where you live? Depending on where you are, there might be additional support available? I'm happy to look for you.

It's probably not any real comfort but I found three months really hard. The novelty has worn off (for you and everyone else) so people weren't so forthcoming with help and at three months, he's not as responsive or engaging as he will be. It's a really tough time. You also don't feel like they're very robust yet, either.

Don't worry about the house, tell the HV you're struggling and ask what else is out there for you. Home start, peri natal mental health teams, weekly mums meets etc etc.

I will absolutely echo what a pp said, getting out of the house is key. Go to as many baby groups as you can. They are life savers.

You can do this, one day at a time. It gets better. And tell your DH you need some free time to go for a walk/swim/lie down. He needs to take the baby out so you can really let go.

Have faith in yourself.

Be honest with your HV. Also keep trying with the medication. Mine made it worse before it got better but it really did save my life.

I feel so sorry for you OP, it's so hard. And to be feeling sick on top of everything - you poor thing.

Hi op, I was just going to ask where you were based. DC3 is nearly 4 months old and I'd be happy to offer support if we were anywhere near.

I do have "support" from perinatal mental health but they don't come very often. In the last 6 weeks I've seen her twice. She's back a week on Monday, might as well be next year. I will absolutely go back to the GP but I'm just not able to leave the house right now. As soon as I stop throwing up I'll go. Location wise I'm in South Lanarkshire in Scotland. I've tried a few baby groups. I really liked baby massage but that's over now. I get a bit too excited to talk to people and I think I'm a bit over the top so I've never excelled in making friendships that stick.

The mental health team will step up their visits if you need them to - mine started coming every week or so but ended up coming daily for about 3 months. And my HV came every 2 days for even longer. But I did have to make it really clear how bad things were before they stepped it up to that level. Keep trying with the baby groups - DD was 5 or 6 months before I met a proper friend at one and she has been a real lifeline.

Don’t feel bad for feeling what you are feeling!

Honestly, I am sure all new (and not so new!) mums feel like this it’s just that you are brave enough to admit it. Anyone who pretends it’s all sunshine and roses is either on some incredible drug which I wish I could take, or is just full of crap. Don’t go on Instagram, it’s all there to make you feel like shit and brainwash you into feeling inadequate to make you part with money and/or time (the most precious commodity).

Please feel the love from people on here and if you need to punch your snoring husband then just do it. My sister did and he still loves her!

You are an amazing mum and what you are feeling is just part of having a baby and being fucking exhausted.

I still resent my kids sometimes, for taking my freedom away, for being relentless, exhausting, entitled etc! But I love them more than life and the resentment is just a normal part of motherhood. I think the more we all accept that the happier we will be. My kids know I resent them sometimes, resentment is just an emotion that’s just a part of the patchwork of emotions that make up our life. You love your baby AND you resent your baby. True or not true? And that’s ok!

It won’t always be like this. My babies were all up all night and now they (mostly) sleep like logs and I am more or less human again and not a death-warmed-up zombie. I promise it won’t be like this forever, you will find a rhythm and these feelings you are having are just part of the natural adjustment to parenthood. Some parts of parenthood utterly suck. Some parts are great.

How are you today @amazedmummy?