Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

Original poster

21 weeks' pregnant and very anxious/depressed

30 replies

RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 02:18

In a nutshell, I'm pregnant with a third child we really can't afford. My fiancé is so laid back but I don't see how we're going to pay a rent of £900 pm when he earns £1500 pm working ft. Yes I'll get SMP as currently also working ft, but that still won't pay the bills!

This is my fiancé's first child and much longed-for but is it worth running the risk of being made homeless?

We don't qualify for any help as I have savings of over £16k which have been put away for a mortgage. However, our current financial situation does not allow us to get one.

I can't sleep at all.

OP posts:
Weffiepops · 18/01/2020 03:42

Sorry to hear that, it sounds tough, can you put your savings into a community bank / credit union? I think money is less visible there.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 18/01/2020 03:56

Well, OP, I’m not quite sure what you want anyone to say.
When you posted before you got pregnant, about how you couldn’t afford another baby but should you try anyway, the overwhelming response was that it was a terrible idea.
And now you’re pregnant with a child you actively planned knowing you couldn’t afford it....what exactly is it you want posters to tell you?
Perhaps you need to take some responsibility for the decision you planned and made and use your savings to finance that decision, and acknowledge you made a choice between a third baby and owning a house for the time being.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 08:16

@haveyoutriedgoogle Thank you for your kind words. What's the betting you're a well-off individual with a wealthy partner? Just asking because those tend to be the type of people to make rather unhelpful comments. We can't all be rolling in it.

I'd understand your comments a little more if one/both of us were sitting at home doing nothing, but we both work bloody hard in jobs that are extremely valuable to the community. It's just that they don't happen to pay very well, sadly.

We are fully self-sufficient currently and have always been.

I just want to know if there is anything we can do to help keep it that way.

OP posts:
OccasionalNachos · 18/01/2020 08:21

Well, your partner will need to earn more, you will have to take a shorter maternity leave, or you’ll need to spend less. That’s the only way to make the finances work. I am not aware of your previous posts & am sorry you’re feeling anxious, but @haveyoutriedgoogle is right.

haveyoutriedgoogle · 18/01/2020 08:25

No, not particularly ‘well off’. I am someone who hasn’t yet had a much wanted second child yet because I know it would be a poor financial decision right now.
In answer to your question about anything you can do to remain self sufficient - you can use the large sum of savings (you are in a substantially better financial position then many) to fund your decision to have another child, and take some responsibility for your decision- It’s disingenious to suggest you may be imminently homeless with those kinds of savings.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 08:37

@haveyoutriedgoogle I think you misunderstand. If I use my savings there is no way we can ever get a mortgage. We are already paying £900 pm and have been renting now for six years.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 08:38

@OccasionalNachos Why didn't I think of those wonderfully simple ideas? 😊

OP posts:
haveyoutriedgoogle · 18/01/2020 09:01

I don’t misunderstand at all.
You saved that money for a mortgage. You then decided and planned to conceive a third child that you can’t afford without utilising that money. You don’t want to use that money because it means you will probably never own. But you made a fully informed choice to get pregnant even though you knew it would cause this....

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 09:18

@haveyoutriedgoogle

From what you said previously, you are on a relatively good income and also in the enviable position of being young enough to wait until you have another child? That's great and in an ideal world we'd have done the same. Like I say, my OH doesn't have any children.

However, my life didn't work out like that sadly. I was married to an abuser for over a decade (he continues his abuse, including financially) and I didn't meet OH until I was later 30's. My OH is 44.

OP posts:
haveyoutriedgoogle · 18/01/2020 09:25

I am unsure of how me saying I’m not well off has been translated by you to as being on a relatively good income 🙄 and I am also well aware of the backstory, OP. I remember many, many of your previous threads including those under your previous username.
This doesn’t change anything! Take responsibility for the fact you chose to have another child when money would be tight! You didn’t have to, it wasn’t compulsory for your partner to have a child. You could have focused on the two you already have. You could have kept your mortgage money. But you CHOSE to get pregnant. If you then don’t get to own a house, well, you prioritised a child. That’s life, we can’t have everything.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 09:33

@haveyoutriedgoogle

It's all relative. If you were to disclose your monthly household income (which I totally respect you might not want to) the chances are I'd think you were well-off.

It's like "luxuries" I guess - what one person is more than happy to live without another might see as an essential.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 09:39

And yes, we chose to get pregnant this time around. It's not the case for everyone. I fell pregnant before this one and was on the pill. I had another mc (recurrent mc history sadly).

I put my hands up and admit that I used to think true "accidents" didn't really happen - I now categorically how wrong I was!!

We would have kept the baby even though he/she was 100% not planned.

OP posts:
Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 09:40

*realise

OP posts:
haveyoutriedgoogle · 18/01/2020 09:42

You may or may not think I’m well off if I disclosed my income but it’s not really relevant to this thread which is essentially:
OP: I’m pregnant with a child we can’t afford. We won’t be bringing in enough money to cover the bills but we also have 16,000 in the bank. How can we stay self sufficient?
Answer: Use the money in the bank to cover the bills.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 10:33

It's not the answer though. We can't afford to rent forever.

OP posts:
haveyoutriedgoogle · 18/01/2020 10:41

Well you can’t afford to buy now and you’re adding a third child you openly admitted you couldn’t afford before you started trying to conceive it so....I guess you’ll be renting 🤷‍♀️

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 11:29

We couldn't afford to buy in the first place!!!!!!!

OP posts:
haveyoutriedgoogle · 18/01/2020 11:47

For gods sake.
Then if you couldn’t afford to buy in the first place, what’s the problem?
If you couldn’t afford to buy before you got pregnant, and you certainly can’t now, then you have those savings there to pay your rent, bills and keep you all fed.
In the meantime, your partner can seek better paid work. Or maybe you can seek better paid work (return to teaching?) after the baby has arrived.
But, it will be a no to those suggestions to because what you want is a magical solution whereby you get to keep your savings, buy a house, but neither you or your partner has to earn more. This solution doesn’t exist. And truly, if this was such an issue for you, you should have thought of that before.
That’s really all there is to it.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 12:01

Will you pay for my childcare, @haveyoutriedgoogle? Grin I don't have any family that could have baby. Of course I'll return to work in some capacity but it obviously has to be financially viable.

OP posts:
haveyoutriedgoogle · 18/01/2020 12:08

sigh no, I won’t pay for your childcare. Who did you think would?
Because you had a responsibility to think and plan about this BEFORE.
So knowing you couldn’t afford any of this, you went ahead and are now saying things like ‘is it worth it?’ It’s a bit late now to be asking that question. No one can help you, OP. Getting pregnant on purpose when you know you’re not going to cover your bills is a situation entirely of your own making and you’re clearly not willing to actually change anything so, use the savings so you’re all fed, you won’t be buying a house, take responsibility for your actions.

thrre · 18/01/2020 12:17

Sadly I think @haveyoutriedgoogle makes valid points. It sounds as though you knew you couldn't afford another but went ahead anyway. You had the financial decision of continue saving to buy a house or having baby 3. You chose baby 3 which is fine but you now have to use your savings to support that child.
On a more practical note it's worth seeing your gp for support if you are depressed.

pinkprosseco · 18/01/2020 12:18

Could you or your partner think about a new career or working for a promotion? If you can't decrease your outgoings then how about planning a change to increase your income? It's understandable to want to buy as long term that will be the best thing. Could you or your partner take on any additional work like an early morning job ? You either have to spend less (really hard with children) or earn more. Good luck and try not to let it spoil your pregnancy because you do have options

DragonMamma · 18/01/2020 12:18

I agree with haveyoutriedgoogle you’ve essentially made a choice between eventually buying a house and a third child. You’ve obviously chosen to have a third, which is a perfectly valid choice, but you really can’t expect to have it all - kids are expensive (as you will know) and the financial pressures of childcare run for a few years.

Having over £16k in savings is much more than many have going in to maternity leave. It’s all irrelevant anyway, if you can’t afford to live on your wages whilst in mat leave then you’ll end up using the savings anyway. You’re hardly likely to let bills go unpaid and scrimping for food when you have that in the bank.

I know it’s not good form to AS people but in light of what PP said, I had a nosy and it seems you do have the ability to earn more money as a teacher after maternity leave, so I’d probably do that to try and achieve a better income to protect what’s left of your savings after maternity leave?

Snailandthewhale · 18/01/2020 12:27
  1. how you can be anxious/depressed about affording the child if you have £16k savings
  2. What you have to be anxious/ depressed about?

You're not going to get any sympathy OP.

As PP stated you can't have it all. You've made your choice to have a child.

I'm also pregnant and along with 99% of pregnant couples, myself and DP are saving for the drop in pay/ no pay when I'm off work. You've been able to save £16k so you obviously have disposable income, which you should have been putting away to cover your mat leave over the past 5 months/ until you finish up.

Lots of people would love to be in your position.

Original poster
RainMinusBow · 18/01/2020 12:34

I will try to get back into teaching but it's notoriously difficult.

The budget cuts in education mean that Heads are having no choice but to take on NQTS/RQTS. I've been told by one HT when I asked outright that I'm simply too expensive an option to even consider as I have 16 years' teaching experience. I filled in about 20 application forms at one point but didn't get to interview on any. Hence why I'm working for £9.50 ph as a HLTA but in reality often doing the same job as a teacher earning at or above 3 x that amount. I've had no choice - some income better than none.

OP posts: