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Antenatal/postnatal depression

Our Antenatal and Postnatal Depression forum is a supportive space where you can share your postnatal depression experiences.

Original poster

15 months of sleep deprivation and marriage suffering

38 replies

Daisies1 · 22/09/2018 05:38

My 15mo has been always been a poor sleeper, but after the 10 month regression just never recovered. He self-settles for bed, has a bottle most nights and settles back to sleep. However he starts most days at 3.30-4.30am and nothing in the world will settle him.

Naps I feed to sleep, but now this doesn’t work unless he’s attached to me the whole time or if I drive for 1.5hours. After trying to settle in the morning (which never works I just do it to lay down a bit longer). I’m effectively feeding or driving him for about 3.5 hours a day. I just can’t put him down in his cot any more.

I tried sleep training and it was awful and won’t do it again.

My mental health is getting bad, I have no support from family and friends and he won’t settle for my husband at all.

He won’t fall asleep in my bed so Co sleep ing not an option

I just can’t cope any more. I gave up my job/ home friends to relocate for my husbands job. I hate my job, I’m so sleep deprived and I feel lonely and unloved in my marriage.

I’ve felt miserable since my son was born but I just can’t see light at the end of the tunnel :( I just feel if I could get some sleep maybe life would be better!

OP posts:
userblah · 22/09/2018 05:55

God this is so hard. I promise this will not last but when you're in it , it is a complete mind fuck
Can you afford a sleep trainer before I suggest lots of things?

userblah · 22/09/2018 05:56

I know you've tried sleep training but actually get a sleep trainer to stay over for a couple nights is what I meant !

Chosenbyyou · 22/09/2018 06:17

Hi

Bless you :( it’s really hard. I am similar to be honest.

My eldest was a really bad sleeper and didn’t sleep through til she was 14mo. My smallest is even worse and has just started sleeping a few nights through but up at 4.45.

Through both of these I have struggled with work, relationships, social life and just feeling normal!

The thing I am clinging to is that once my son was sleeping through consistently well all my life seemed to come back!

It’s really hard going though especially when other people seem to have sleepers and their life seems so much easier.

We would battle over day sleep too but I tend to just do one sleep a day and try to keep him going as long as possible before that sleep. Teething really effects this second baby so any teething starts up and we have life much harder!

I work 4 days a week which I don’t love but it’s a release from looking after my son!

take care - it’s really hard work and you are not alone! X

Chosenbyyou · 22/09/2018 06:18

Forgot to say my smallest is 17.5mo this old x

Maidsrus · 22/09/2018 06:21

Maybe he doesn’t need a nap? My second dropped his around this time. And the early waking was solved. Don’t Encourage the nap, he might not need that much sleep

Sleephead1 · 22/09/2018 06:33

this is my advice and I understand not for everyone but I just went to bed at 8 o clock most nights then even if o was up at 4 then I'd still slept a nights sleep. I understand not everyone wants to do this as needs time on evenings but even if you did it a few times a week it would help. At the weekend I would try and have a nap whilst your husband looks after him just playing not trying to get to sleep if he won't settle for him. It's very hard but I would say prioritise sleep over house work ECT at this moment in time. It won't lady for ever and it will pass. Sending lots of love

portuguesefordummies · 22/09/2018 06:37

Would you reconsider the sleep training? I refused to do it with my first and she didn't sleep for years. I paid for a sleep consultant recommended on here for my second and it was the best money I've ever spent. There are lots of different techniques, it doesn't have to involve leaving them alone to cry. I really feel for you, it is very hard having such a long time of not sleeping properly. You have to look after yourself as well as your baby.

Original poster
Daisies1 · 22/09/2018 06:52

I tried a couple of sleep trainers. Their practices were both barbaric and didn’t work. I then looked at getting someone in over night, nearly committed then realised she had been very dishonest about something. I was going to leave my baby overnight in her care and feel sick at the thought I nearly did it.
I wouldn’t ever use another sleep trainer, I believe they are generally very hard lined people out to make money out of sleep deprived mums ☹️

OP posts:
muststoplurking · 22/09/2018 06:53

You have my upmost sympathy, I'm sorry anyone has to go through this. one of my children would scream for literally hours each night until 3 years old. Usually 1am until 5am. Then we had to get up for work. It was hell on earth. Sick, dizzy, for years. Nothing and no one could comfort them. Dc is older now and still does not sleep as much as most people, but will be quiet in their room while everyone else sleeps. I quit work. Still haven't gone back. My only suggestion is - if you can afford it, get two half days a week in childcare for your dc. Then use that time to sleep. it won't last forever but coping at the time is near enough hell on earth. we could not afford childcare so what I did was make a room child proof and put blankets on the floor and lie down. I had the baby with me (no alternatives) and cat napped on the floor. Tv on, toys etc. I never fell fully asleep but cat napped for hours. It wasn't restful but kept me just about safe to look after a baby. I hope things improve for your family soon.

Original poster
Daisies1 · 22/09/2018 06:54

He’s generally exhausted by 5.30am :(

OP posts:
Ekphrasis · 22/09/2018 06:58

Is he walking yet?

Ekphrasis · 22/09/2018 06:59

Also wondering if some bad teeth on the way?

ChipsAreLife · 22/09/2018 07:04

Full sympathy. My two were awful sleepers and didn't sleep through till two and even now it's joy every night!

Sleep training never worked for us either. People think it's the solution for all babies but it just ended up with everyone even more stressed.

What time is he going to bed? For me the biggest cause of sleep problems is over tiredness. So I would push bedtime earlier and see if it helps.

Hang on in there. It's savage but it will get better and you're marriage will survive. I suggest booking a day and night away and leaving DH to it. The baby will play up less if you're not there IME!

ChipsAreLife · 22/09/2018 07:05

Not joy ... not!!!

ThinkOfAWittyNameLater · 22/09/2018 07:40

You're still feeding him, so if he can smell you, he will want you.

Talk to your husband. Do you have family that could help him do at least one, ideally two overnights? Then book yourself into a hotel and rest.

You've been physically drained for 14 months. You need to recharge your batteries.

If husband hasn't already had an overnight break away, then promise he can have one next month.

Oh and the reason you deserve the break first is because you have the additional burden of feeding baby. And this is exhausting all by itself.

Original poster
Daisies1 · 22/09/2018 07:57

Yes he’s walking

OP posts:
Greenwomanofmay · 22/09/2018 08:04

My ds is the same age as yours but I’ve been in the same situation the only difference is mine sleeps in my bed.
I put ds to bed at 9pm and go to bed at the same time this means we’re up from 5.30 not 4am which I can’t cope with.
For my ds it’s important he eats enough throughout the day if I miss a stodgy snack i regret it in the early hours.
If your dc is walking try and take them to the park or some other safe outdoor space to run off energy
I’m still feeding mine and have no intention of stopping yet but only giving 1 feed during the day, he gets more at night
For the naps ds either falls asleep in the car when we’re going out somewhere or late morning I put him in the buggy and walk he either falls asleep or he doesn’t. I don’t worry about naps now.
It’s an awful situation to be in I hope it improves soon.

Original poster
Daisies1 · 22/09/2018 08:11

Thanks, sorry the replies have gone out of sync not sure how to get one after a message. Our families are useless. In laws came yesterday, they visit maybe every 2-3 months, I’d been up since 3.30, she got up at 5 presumably to take over but just made tea and went back to bed. My husband feels as he works full time his sleep takes priority and in all honesty he can’t settle him now anyway. He’s useless and grumpy with no sleep and I some how survive. He’s never looked after my son more than an hour since he was born, he just doesn’t know what to do and when he tries I just can’t bear it as my son gets upset. He’s quite heavy handed and gets cross and frustrated with him. I hate leaving my son in my husbands care but have also probably created a rod for my own back and should have just let him earlier on. We argue constantly about his care, if he gives him food he feeds him just sugary or massively salty things, when he takes him in the car he doesn’t do up his seatbelt properly. On the day when he had to look after him he didn’t take him out in the pram/ car for a second nap as he couldn’t be bothered. I came home to a screaming mess of a baby and OH just didn’t seem to care.
I just feel if I can get him down to sleep in his cot again for naps I can get a little bit of a break, but can’t work out how to detach him from my boob to do this!!
I’m going to book one extra day a month at nursery so I can start to have one day to myself and hope that helps!
Any boob removal ideas appreciated! X

OP posts:
Original poster
Daisies1 · 22/09/2018 08:13

And I’ll try an earlier bed than you x

OP posts:
userblah · 22/09/2018 09:42

It's such a shame you've had such a bad experience with sleep training/night nanny

I did both. Saved my life and my relationship and started to "like" being a mum x

portuguesefordummies · 22/09/2018 12:52

Totally understand why you feel that way about sleep trainers, so sorry if my earlier message wasn't helpful. In case of use here are some of the things we did - no feeding before naps or to sleep, but only after naps and about an hour before bed, plus after 7am, no getting out of the cot 7-7, but first few nights can do everything else- cuddle them over the side, rub tummy, sing, lie them down etc. The first few nights I hardly got any sleep but I didn't leave at all while she was crying, then gradually over the next few days and weeks reduced the physical contact and sat further away from the cot. I understand it may not work for everyone but it may be worth a try and you have to be consistent/not give in to a night time feed which is where I was going wrong. (And this is where I found the sleep trainer helpful as I could email her and get reassurance that I was doing to right thing in reading her to sleep and not damaging her. ) Your DS already seems to sleep well in the first part of the night so you know he can do it.
Echo those saying some extra hours of childcare so you can get some rest is a good idea. I'm sorry your husband isn't more supportive. Surely at the weekend at least he could do one of the early mornings while you have a lie in?

Original poster
Daisies1 · 22/09/2018 16:47

Thanks I’ll definitely try those things, makes sense. Think you’re right, I need to tackle the feeding to sleep thing for naps too and will probably help night sleep. Thanks so much for taking the time to reply (and everyone else) I really appreciate it xxx

OP posts:
portuguesefordummies · 22/09/2018 20:14

Good luck! Keep us posted. There's always lots of support on here (whatever time of night you need it...).

Original poster
Daisies1 · 23/09/2018 09:28

Thanks, so I tried bottle feed/ book/ rocking/ belly rub but he just stands and screams, I can’t get to first base to put him down in his cot at 3.30 and tried for a nap this morning after he’d been awake for ages. Yet at bedtime he’ll go down fine.
At a total loss what to do so on yet another long car drive to nowhere, just so getting me down ☹️

OP posts:
portuguesefordummies · 23/09/2018 20:45

I'm really sorry to hear that. Hope the rest of your day has been ok, and that you manage to get a break in the evening at least. It's really hard when they're crying even if you're right next to them, I know. The first night I did the sleep plan with mine I must have tried to lie her down about a hundred times over a couple of hours before she finally settled and it was torture! It did get easier the next night though.
Have you tried shortening/changing nap times to see if that makes any difference? Does he sleep at nursery?