pregnant with 3rd child, depressed, anxious and uncertain
confusedB · 02/11/2011 14:34
I am 38 yrs old and 81/2 weeks pregnant. This baby was conceived in a moment of madness shortly after my father died, when I briefly (for one night!) thought I wanted more children. I have 2 toddlers already- a DD nearly 3 and my DS 18 months. I am filled with panic and anxiety about this new baby. I feel certain we won't be able to cope financially, logistically or emotionally with 3 under 4. I love my family as it is now and am terrified that the change to its dynamic will drastically alter my relationships the 2 adored children I already have. I already feel my depression in this pregnancy has been bad for them as I struggle to focus on them and enjoy them.
In addition to this I am already struggling with juggling work and childcare and home life and think it can only get worse with 3. However, if I give up work we will almost certainly have to move house, and then I feel I will lose the benefits of the networks I have made through my existing children. My husbands job means he is limited to working in an area of England that I don't feel at home in (I am Irish and we currently live in London).
I find myself considering abortion, which is a path I never thought I would consider. I had several late miscarriages before I was able to carry my daughter full term after having been diagnosed with a sticky blood disorder. During that time when I was conceiving and loosing babies at 14, 16 and 21 weeks I made a promise to God that I would take on all and any children that he would send me. (I am not religious but I was in a bit of a state!). Now here I am carrying a 3rd and feeling uncertain that I want to proceed. If I could go back in time I would use contraception, or take the morning after pill. If I could press a button and not be pregnant I would. But there is a huge difference between wishing I wasn't pregnant and having a medical termination.
I am aware that I am not able to look at my situation rationally - I am prone to antenatal depression so how much of this uncertainty is down to that? I am struggling with the pressure of an almost full time job and 2 little kids to look after. I worry enormously about the state of the world that I am bringing children into. I have am superstitious feeling that this baby will doom everything, that it will ruin the balance of our happy family. My husband is very supportive and is leaving the decision entirely up to me, although I know that he is equally unsure about the pregnancy, I also know that he would prefer not to terminate.
Sorry for the length of this message. I have not told anyone about the pregnancy. I would love to hear from anyone who has been though a similar situation and come out the other side, whichever path they took.
Gillybean73 · 02/11/2011 15:01
What a shame that you feel so confused and upset at the moment. I'm maybe not the best person to help you as I only have one child but I know from some of the experiences that my friends have been through that the difference in coping with more than one child seems to be more challenging going from 1 to 2. My friends who have 3 and 4 kids all said that by the time you get to the 3rd it doesn't seem to make much difference to the routine/cost because of hand-me-down clothes/toys and the benefit is you are so much more relaxed about things and don't worry so much as you do when you are a first time mother etc.
Ultimately you have to do what is best for you but I know again from some of my friends who have had terminations for various reasons, all say that there is not a day goes by when they don't think about that decision and the child they might have had. Some of them bitterly regret it as it haunts them, even 20 years later. Others don't regret the actual decision, but still think constantly about the child.
You may already know yourself how you would feel having already lost babies that you were carrying.
Obviously it is not a decision that you can take lightly but I'm a firm believer in that what is meant for you in life will not go by you and everything happens for a reason.
Maybe once you actually held the new baby in your arms your mother's love for it will be so overwhelming that all the other issues will just seem minor niggles that you can work through.
Perhaps it would be a good idea to go and speak to your GP about how you are feeling? It might help just to air all your concerns and worries.
SallyAnne7300 · 15/01/2012 23:59
Hello - reading your message struck a bit of a chord with me - I too am pregnant with my 3rd child I am a divorced single mum of 2 boys 6 & 2 and about a year ago started a very new relationship was taking contraception suffering form severe anxiety and depression and was heavily medicated most of the time so I may have forgotten to take my pill I am not sure... but I find myself pregnant and worried and anxious about how too I will cope - I rent my house following the divorce and worked full time and can barely make ends meet covering child care costs that I will certainly not be able to work once this baby is born as financially I wont be able to - my partner is also divorced with 2 kids of which he has full custody of and so how we could even live together with 5 kids between us - we just dont have room or the money to find somewhere bigger.
I feel so alone as he is in his house Im in mine and I see him twice a week at the most - I dont this I can live my life like this I had to come off my tablets due to the pregnancy so I feel desperately low and can barely leave me house. I could never terminate it just isnt an option for me but I just dont know what the future holds.
I lay awake worrying and find that I cant make any rational decisions I am either hormonal tired or depressed that I dont know whether my thoughts are my own.....
I wanted to tell you that you are not alone and sometimes life has a funny way of throwing things at us to test our strength and it will be all good in the end - keep the faith and do what your heart tells you to do
schmee · 31/01/2012 07:13
I felt very much the same as you about my pregnancy with DC3 and felt very ashamed to admit that I wasn't positive about it. I mentioned how I felt to the doctor who just dismissed how I was feeling, so I don't know if any intervention would have helped. I think antenatal depression is really overlooked.
But... the long and the short is my DC3 is wonderful. Because I was so unhappy in the pregnancy I was worried that I would be postnatally depressed, but that hasn't followed for me at all.
I'm totally happy to have her.
mountainspring · 30/06/2013 23:56
Sounds like you needed bereavement counselling.
Like you wanted to punish yourself somehow because of your father dying and leaving you alone, even though you're not really alone. But nothing is your fault - you have nothing to blame yourself for.
Women are allowed to have babies - they're good at it.
This is an old thread - really hope everything worked out for you.
sfwebb · 27/08/2014 21:11
I know this is an old thread but just wondering how thgs have worked out for you confusedb? Find myself in the same situation a few years on.... X
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