I am 38 yrs old and 81/2 weeks pregnant. This baby was conceived in a moment of madness shortly after my father died, when I briefly (for one night!) thought I wanted more children. I have 2 toddlers already- a DD nearly 3 and my DS 18 months. I am filled with panic and anxiety about this new baby. I feel certain we won't be able to cope financially, logistically or emotionally with 3 under 4. I love my family as it is now and am terrified that the change to its dynamic will drastically alter my relationships the 2 adored children I already have. I already feel my depression in this pregnancy has been bad for them as I struggle to focus on them and enjoy them.
In addition to this I am already struggling with juggling work and childcare and home life and think it can only get worse with 3. However, if I give up work we will almost certainly have to move house, and then I feel I will lose the benefits of the networks I have made through my existing children. My husbands job means he is limited to working in an area of England that I don't feel at home in (I am Irish and we currently live in London).
I find myself considering abortion, which is a path I never thought I would consider. I had several late miscarriages before I was able to carry my daughter full term after having been diagnosed with a sticky blood disorder. During that time when I was conceiving and loosing babies at 14, 16 and 21 weeks I made a promise to God that I would take on all and any children that he would send me. (I am not religious but I was in a bit of a state!). Now here I am carrying a 3rd and feeling uncertain that I want to proceed. If I could go back in time I would use contraception, or take the morning after pill. If I could press a button and not be pregnant I would. But there is a huge difference between wishing I wasn't pregnant and having a medical termination.
I am aware that I am not able to look at my situation rationally - I am prone to antenatal depression so how much of this uncertainty is down to that? I am struggling with the pressure of an almost full time job and 2 little kids to look after. I worry enormously about the state of the world that I am bringing children into. I have am superstitious feeling that this baby will doom everything, that it will ruin the balance of our happy family. My husband is very supportive and is leaving the decision entirely up to me, although I know that he is equally unsure about the pregnancy, I also know that he would prefer not to terminate.
Sorry for the length of this message. I have not told anyone about the pregnancy. I would love to hear from anyone who has been though a similar situation and come out the other side, whichever path they took.
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Antenatal/postnatal depression
pregnant with 3rd child, depressed, anxious and uncertain
5 replies
confusedB · 02/11/2011 14:34
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