Trigger warning *Sexual assault* - To be jealous and sad

Oh my god you poor thing.

Your husband is supporting your abuser? I would leave. That is unforgivable.

If my BIL had sexually abused me I would be NC at the very least and my husband the same. I'd also consider whether the police should be involved. It's hard to say anything about that without knowing what happened.

I'm not surprised that you are hurt by your husband helping his brother out with a job etc. Have you told him how you feel?

I think the abuse, whatever it was, is damaging you, you should consider getting counselling. Good luck OP

Just from what you've written, I strongly advise you to end your marriage. I don't think it will be possible for you to have a healthy marriage with a man who continues to maintain a relationship with your abuser. Given that your abuser is your husband's brother, and that your husband clearly has no intention of cutting him out of his life, there is no moving past this.

I suppose in a perfect world DH would go NC with BIL and you wouldn't have to deal with him any more. That may well happen.

Was the job one that you wanted, or DH could have had? If not, DH has done BIL a good turn and hopefully this has drawn a line under any future contact between the two. No visits, no shared family events. DH would be very unreasonable to expect anything else.

Absolutely agree.

So sorry, OP. That's awful.

You need to leave him. That's causing more damage. You deserve so much better. Hope you don't have to wait too long for counselling x

If my BIL sexually assaulted me then my partner would never speak to them again. Ever.

I'm horrified that wasn't the case for your husband and think that it would be much better for your mental health to end the relationship.

You can't heal while your husbands actions are in direct conflict with the fact what BIL was unequivocally unacceptable and wrong.

I think that leaving him before counselling would be a good idea so the counsellor can then help you heal looking toward the future rather tha while you're still with someone whose actions minimise what you need the counselling for.

Do you share children?

Are you telling me your bil raped you and instead or supporting you to go to the police he's pushed it under the rug and supported him bettering himself. I hope you don't have any dc op.

Your BIL abused you and your husband has carried on like it's nothing? Please run!

From what you've written here I honestly think the only solution is to leave them all, your DH, your Bil and your sil. I can't believe your husband's actions but also that your sil stayed with bil after he abused his brothers wife!

Agreed! You cannot have a relationship with your BIL after what he has done. If DH doesn't want to cut contact, then you also need to cut contact with him. You need to have a conversation with DH and be truely honest about how much all of this is still hurting and that in order to rebuild your life you need BIL (and possibly DH) out of it.

Sorry you have had to go through this. It's great that you're getting support and hopefully the counselling will be available to you soon.

Shit op. That is a huge thing to sjare you did the right thing coming on here. Please get some support from womens aid or close friends that you can trust.

The abuse is effectively continuing - with your dh consent. I am so sorry op, but most people could not come back from this. It is shocking, but he has made his decision, and you have a right to make yours - with your best interests at heart.

Some families are very weird and condone all sorts unimaginable things. You are not alone.

I don’t understand, you were deviously assaulted by your husbands brother and your husband still has a relationship with him? Did you report to the police?

Odd you jump straight to rape

Oh op this is awful and I hope you get access to counseling soon.

You mention you’re a people pleaser, was the decision to ‘forgive’ yours and your DH went along with it? If so you need to make it clear you can’t forgive and have tried, you can no longer be around them and you’ll need him to go NC, as will you.

If it was him driving the decision to move past it I honestly think you need to consider leaving your marriage

This is one of the few times that an ultimatum is totally appropriate, if he sees his brother then he cannot have you.

Does sil know about her husband's abuse of you?

It’s good you’re going to have counselling but I can’t see how you’ll ever be able to heal while you’re still your husband. He’s a horrific enabler and has shown as clearly as possible where his loyalties lie.

Do you have children? If so do they have contact with this man?

It’s not too late to leave and report BIL to the police for his abuse. Just because you made the decision to try and sweep it under the rug doesn’t mean it’s one you can’t change, today, tomorrow, in a week or a month.

You say you’re jealous and sad, I’d be living in a state of rage. He thinks so little of you and it’s eating you from inside.

You should continue with getting professional advice and I hope that is soon.
In the meantime explain to your husband how you can no longer participate in some aspects of your life that you don't feel comfortable about and ask him to always support you - to always choose a way that will be sustainable for your relationship.

That means listening to your feelings and cutting ties with his brother and helping you press charges against the offender..

I'd go to police. I'd tell DD h he was support me in my action to police or I'd be leaving him.

You need to be nc with bil and so does your dh.
You've done nothing to be ashamed of.

My bil verbally abused me, so a very minor incident in comparison. However I was terribly upset and my dh has nothing to do with his db anymore.
When we meet up with other family we ensure he's not present.

Am I getting this wrong? He sexually assaulted you and your partner and you, forgave him and have him around?

If this happened to me I would write a letter to my SIL describing what her DH had done to me so she had the information directly from me. She may have had information witheld or minimised/distorted. You could mention considering police involvement now you have had a chance to reflect.

If he intercepts the letter it might give him a kick up the arse.

Please contact your local women's centre for support