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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

*Trigger warning - sexual abuse* To feel really weird about what my boss said?

37 replies

Whatstepnext2 · 25/01/2023 19:28

I've worked at my place of work for a while and get on well with my boss. She has weird opinions but she probably thinks that some of my opinions are weird too.

We were talking today about an old family friend of hers that recently got in touch. She said this friend had a daughter who was SA by the father (this woman's DH) She then said "but the daughter was asking for it, she wanted daddy issues" So I asked how old this girl was and she said early teens. I must have looked shocked because she then started to try and justify it saying that the girl was a handful and became a rebel later on life who had a baby at 15 (not the dads apparently). So I said I'm not surprised if she was SA by her dad! She then said that the mum knew and it was made into a big thing. I just couldn't get my head around what she was saying and I just turned back to my desk and carried on working. I now feel really weird around her and I don't know if this is justified.

She made a comment a while ago about a teacher in the local area who was found to be messaging a girl online "that she was a teenager, not a child, and it's a very grey area as most teenagers are consensual at that age" but she was talking to someone on the phone and not directly to me so couldn't comment.

I feel like it's ruined my relationship with her now as I can't believe her opinion on it

OP posts:
stairgates · 25/01/2023 19:30

She sounds like a sex offender herself, I would look for another job if its a possibility.

YolayCaprese · 25/01/2023 19:32

I hope you don't work with children or vulnerable adults?!
I don't know what I'd do but I'd feel extremely uncomfortable around her after that. Vile.

FruHagen · 25/01/2023 19:37

I would strongly advise never to have conversations of a personal or gossipy nature with your boss then uncovering her horrible opinions won't be an issue.

Luckily she is not your friend.

I would just make the relationship much more professional and if you happen to work with children or she has any kind of legislative power be aware.

Celinia · 25/01/2023 19:45

Yanbu. It’s grim.There’s a pattern with her attitude towards underage girls being abused by adults. Either she’s part of an older culture who would regularly blame girls for getting abused; and/or it happened to her or someone close and they were held responsible. If she says something similar next time would you feel able to ask why she’s focussed blame on the abused rather than the abuser? Why isn’t her attention on the adult who is legally responsible for their behaviour towards a minor?

Twoshoesnewshoes · 25/01/2023 19:51

You are not being unreasonable at all.
is there anyone above her that you can talk to about this?
hope you are okay.

RubyPip · 25/01/2023 19:51

Huge leap but maybe she was abused and is in huge denial about it being abuse. That's literally the only sympathetic take on those comments, because otherwise, totally insensitive and awful. Horrid.

Justdontbejudgy · 25/01/2023 19:54

YolayCaprese · 25/01/2023 19:32

I hope you don't work with children or vulnerable adults?!
I don't know what I'd do but I'd feel extremely uncomfortable around her after that. Vile.

Yes I'd 2nd this. Those are are huge red flag opinions. I'd get away from this person and also report her opinions to any regulatory/registration body of you do work with children or vulnerable young people/adults.

Original poster
Whatstepnext2 · 25/01/2023 19:57

No we don't work with children or young adults and she doesn't have children herself thank god. There is no one higher, she is the director. I just feel weird around her now and I can't describe it, I just feel this weird feeling in my stomach.

OP posts:
Casilero · 25/01/2023 19:57

My immediate reaction was perhaps she's been abused herself?

Original poster
Whatstepnext2 · 25/01/2023 20:00

She said that they used to go on holiday with this family friend, her DH and the daughter but was speaking very highly of the Dad said he was a church goer etc. I said but he SA his daughter?! She didn't seem to get it and just kept saying the daughter was asking for it

OP posts:
007DoubleOSeven · 25/01/2023 20:00

Regardless of her personal experiences, I would report this. Totally inappropriate comments to make / conversation to have at work.

Upsidedownagain · 25/01/2023 20:02

Very odd. Most abusers themselves would know this wasn't exactly PC. Sounds like the modern world has passed her by.

Goodadvice1980 · 25/01/2023 20:02

She sounds like an idiot I used to work with. Said young teenage girls could be very persuasive towards older men so no wonder the men were tempted! I was appalled by her comment.

Casilero · 25/01/2023 20:26

007DoubleOSeven · 25/01/2023 20:00

Regardless of her personal experiences, I would report this. Totally inappropriate comments to make / conversation to have at work.

Report to whom though? She's the boss and they don't work with children, nor does the woman have children herself.

Very worrying comments, I agree, but I can't think why she'd make them unless it's something she's minimised in her own life. Even people like Jimmy Saville that abuse children themselves know not to come out with comments like this. It's such an abhorrent thing to say and healthy people know this.

Tiani4 · 25/01/2023 20:31

Ofgs
Your boss is a sexual Offender abuse apologist

I really wouldn't want to hear anymore of their "opinions "

Makes me vomit 🤢
Leave this job this is a deeply unpleasant person who knows deeply unpleasant lowlife people and she tries to justify their behaviour

Get out as quickly as you can

007DoubleOSeven · 25/01/2023 20:34

Casilero · 25/01/2023 20:26

Report to whom though? She's the boss and they don't work with children, nor does the woman have children herself.

Very worrying comments, I agree, but I can't think why she'd make them unless it's something she's minimised in her own life. Even people like Jimmy Saville that abuse children themselves know not to come out with comments like this. It's such an abhorrent thing to say and healthy people know this.

Show quote history

The op's boss is not necessarily the most senior person and nor the op mention a lack of HR department

Hillrunning · 25/01/2023 20:38

That was a horrible read. I totally understand why you feel odd about her now. I would be finding another job.

FabFitFifties · 25/01/2023 20:49

Bloody hell. I'd distance myself, do your work well but don't engage in chit chat. Poor child, I asdume jer own mother, shared thecsame views as your boss 😢

Schoolchoicesucks · 25/01/2023 20:50

What an awful woman. I would no longer "get on well" with her. And keep everything strictly work-related, no personal chat.

Beercrispsandnuts · 25/01/2023 20:51

God that’s sick. I’m afraid I’d be looking for another job. Incestuous rape and she says the girl was asking for it. That’s sick as fuck.

Beercrispsandnuts · 25/01/2023 20:53

Very worrying comments, I agree, but I can't think why she'd make them unless it's something she's minimised in her own life

women can be paedophiles and sexual abusers too.

Livity · 25/01/2023 20:54

She sounds awful. Defending a child sex abuser, blaming a child abuse victim, talking about this all at work?! What a nasty, vicious and inappropriate person. I’d feel more than weird, I’d be disgusted and outraged.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 25/01/2023 21:00

People make comments like these and it makes you feel like you're infected with something. Like greasy and slimy all over, almost guilty by association.

I'm not sure I could continue to work under someone who believed that.

1FootInTheRave · 25/01/2023 21:01

She is disgusting.

Mirabai · 25/01/2023 21:05

It’s completely inappropriate for her to be sharing these intimate stories of her friends in the workplace anyway.

She’s bundle of internalised misogyny but perhaps she was abused herself.

I don’t know how much you can distance yourself in the circs but I’d steer away from all personal conversations going forward.

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