Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder if my friend ghosted me because I asked about AA?

47 replies

canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 11:40

I have a friend I've known since we were at school together as teenagers, we're mid 40s now so we've known each other 30 years.

We don't stay in close contact - she's not a whatsapper or a facebooker but we tend to catch up maybe once or twice a year. Usually send birthday cards.

Anyway we chatted early 2021 on the phone, it was mid pandemic then still. She talked to me about how she had had issues with alcohol and had been sober now for a year or two. I found that very interesting as I've had various dalliances with sobriety etc and I guess some periods of problem drinking myself.

Anyway, I visited her autumn 2021, we had a lovely day. We spoke about her sobriety and some other heavy subjects (relating to both her family and mine, it was very equal sharing of heavy stuff, remember we have known each other a very long time and both know each other's families).

I was curious about her sobriety and said well done and how brilliantly she had done, I think I asked her if she did it all by herself. She was a bit cagey and said she "had help."

I asked her more about it and it turns out she joined AA. I was really interested in this and asked her lots about it. She got us to pick up our (takeaway) coffee cups up and leave the cafe we were in and said "I'll tell you outside" she talked a bit about AA, I had some questions about how does the sponsor thing work etc, I've always been interested as it seems a bit mysterious to me and it's something I'd considered in the past when struggling with drinking myself.

The then basically said she is not allowed to talk about it, that you can't talk about AA unless you are in it. I had genuinely not realised that this was the case but dropped the subject once she explained.

Long story short, she's ghosted me ever since. I've left phone messages, she doesn't send a birthday card any more and she doesn't read my whatsapp messages (although she's always been flaky on that score).

I can't think of anything else we spoke about that day that was remotely touchy or controversial (and I genuinely didn't realise the rules around AA when I was asking initially). She was quite open about therapy she's had and told me all about that, she's a very open person so I don't think she felt she revealed too much.

AIBU to wonder if the AA thing is the reason she has suddenly and mysteriously dropped me?

I know it could be anything but I've googled it since and lots of people say AA is almost like a cult?!

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 08/09/2023 11:58

She may have felt uncomfortable with the level of detail she provided.
She may be drinking again.
She may have other struggles in her life.
She may not want to see you again for other reasons.

I wouldn't assume it's automatically related to AA. It's impossible to know for sure and speculation won't help.

For whatever reason she's made it clear that currently she doesn't want to engage. If you have signalled to her that you're there for her she can re-engage when the time is right. There's nothing more you can do without becoming intrusive. Leave her to it.

NeedToChangeName · 08/09/2023 12:01

I was really interested in this and asked her lots about it

Maybe you asked too much and she felt you were prying? Or, embarrassed that she overshared

BIossomtoes · 08/09/2023 12:05

The then basically said she is not allowed to talk about it, that you can't talk about AA unless you are in it.

That isn’t true. I live with a recovering alcoholic who’s with AA, he talks openly about it to anyone and everyone. There’s a huge stigma around alcoholism so there may be an element of shame and embarrassment. Or maybe she’s fallen off the wagon.

Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:06

BIossomtoes · 08/09/2023 12:05

The then basically said she is not allowed to talk about it, that you can't talk about AA unless you are in it.

That isn’t true. I live with a recovering alcoholic who’s with AA, he talks openly about it to anyone and everyone. There’s a huge stigma around alcoholism so there may be an element of shame and embarrassment. Or maybe she’s fallen off the wagon.

This makes it even more baffling to me. Why did we have to leave the cafe so she could tell me about it and why did she then say she wasn't allowed to talk about it?

OP posts:
Parrotcup · 08/09/2023 12:06

Have you tried asking her if there's something wrong?

I agree with PP, she could be drinking again

Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:07

Parrotcup · 08/09/2023 12:06

Have you tried asking her if there's something wrong?

I agree with PP, she could be drinking again

I've tried to contact her she won't pick up the phone or read my messages, as I said in my OP.

OP posts:
Parrotcup · 08/09/2023 12:07

BIossomtoes · 08/09/2023 12:05

The then basically said she is not allowed to talk about it, that you can't talk about AA unless you are in it.

That isn’t true. I live with a recovering alcoholic who’s with AA, he talks openly about it to anyone and everyone. There’s a huge stigma around alcoholism so there may be an element of shame and embarrassment. Or maybe she’s fallen off the wagon.

I always understood you weren't supposed to talk about it?

Stroopwaffels · 08/09/2023 12:09

I always understood that you were not supposed to share who went to meetings and what was said at meetings. All highly confidential.

But the fact that you go, or that AA exists is not confidential.

Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:11

Stroopwaffels · 08/09/2023 12:09

I always understood that you were not supposed to share who went to meetings and what was said at meetings. All highly confidential.

But the fact that you go, or that AA exists is not confidential.

That's interesting,

I definitely didn't ask who went or what was said, I just wanted to understand the process like how do you get a sponsor, and how does that help. I didn't ask anything about anyone specifically I also don't live anywhere near her so I wouldn't know any of the people anyway.

OP posts:
Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:12

It all feels a bit shrouded in mystery.

She lives alone and has always been a bit vulnerable. I guess I just worry about her, is all, but for whatever reason she doesn't seem to want to speak to me anymore so nothing I can do, really.

OP posts:
RocketPanda · 08/09/2023 12:12

Some people are very private about AA and if that's what helps with their sobriety then that's what they should do.

Did you ask her if it was OK for her to talk about or did she just tell you it wasn't OK?

Parrotcup · 08/09/2023 12:14

canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:12

It all feels a bit shrouded in mystery.

She lives alone and has always been a bit vulnerable. I guess I just worry about her, is all, but for whatever reason she doesn't seem to want to speak to me anymore so nothing I can do, really.

Do you know if she's OK, has anyone else seen her? I might be inclined to ask the police to do a welfare check.

Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:14

RocketPanda · 08/09/2023 12:12

Some people are very private about AA and if that's what helps with their sobriety then that's what they should do.

Did you ask her if it was OK for her to talk about or did she just tell you it wasn't OK?

She brought it up. She told me she was sober, that she had help etc. I explained that in my OP?

OP posts:
SoRainbowRhythms · 08/09/2023 12:14

I wouldn't want someone asking me questions about my sobriety journey in front of strangers in a cafe.

Maybe go to al AlAnon meeting OP, it might help you understand more.

Lovetotravel123 · 08/09/2023 12:14

My guess is that she is drinking again.

Bassetlover · 08/09/2023 12:14

OP, you are allowed to talk about AA. It's not like Fight Club. They even have open meetings that professionals and others who want to know more can attend. You just can't talk specifically about other people who are members or who attend meetings. I wonder if she's started drinking again and is embarrassed.

BIossomtoes · 08/09/2023 12:15

Stroopwaffels · 08/09/2023 12:09

I always understood that you were not supposed to share who went to meetings and what was said at meetings. All highly confidential.

But the fact that you go, or that AA exists is not confidential.

Exactly that. Particularly at some London meetings where high profile faces attend. During lockdown my bloke was in Zoom meetings with a couple of Hollywood actors but obviously I have no idea who they were.

Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:15

Lovetotravel123 · 08/09/2023 12:14

My guess is that she is drinking again.

😞this really hadn't occurred to me because she had seemed to be doing so well.

I don't think there is anything I can do if that's the case.

OP posts:
stardust777 · 08/09/2023 12:15

Perhaps she felt as though you were prying - becoming cagey could've been her way of expressing that she felt uncomfortable and didn't want to talk about it. I've distanced myself from people in the past who I've felt have crossed my personal boundaries.

Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:16

SoRainbowRhythms · 08/09/2023 12:14

I wouldn't want someone asking me questions about my sobriety journey in front of strangers in a cafe.

Maybe go to al AlAnon meeting OP, it might help you understand more.

Strange place for her to bring up that topic of conversation then, don't you thin?

OP posts:
ImustLearn2Cook · 08/09/2023 12:18

Hmmm, I think anyone can talk about AA with anyone whether they are in it or not. However, there would be rules about confidentiality (just like in any therapy group) that would mean that she couldn’t tell you about anything discussed or shared in meetings or be specific about what other members share about themselves. Divulging the curiosity of others by sharing personal information, experiences or anything said by other members would be betraying their trust and their freedom to speak candidly.

What questions did you ask her? Were they general questions about AA as an organisation and how they operate? Or were you prying into hers or other members personal information?

Everyone has the right to choose how much or how little they share about themselves/personal life and with whom they choose to share it with.

Do you generally respect that freedom of choice with everyone?

Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:20

I asked her questions about how it works in practical terms but I, myself, had considered joining around the lockdown due to my own problematic drinking as outlined in the OP (no longer an issue btw).

They weren't questions about her, or anyone else at the meetings. They were questions about the practicalities of this pathway.

OP posts:
SoRainbowRhythms · 08/09/2023 12:20

canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:16

Strange place for her to bring up that topic of conversation then, don't you thin?

Show quote history

Maybe she didn't expect you to fire a load of questions at her. It might have been more sensitive to ask "would you mind if I asked you some questions about it?"

I have been where she has been and it's not something I wanted to shout from the rooftops, but I was happy for close friends to know. Nobody made me feel like I had to explain further.

TruthThatsHardAsSteel · 08/09/2023 12:21

canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:06

This makes it even more baffling to me. Why did we have to leave the cafe so she could tell me about it and why did she then say she wasn't allowed to talk about it?

Show quote history

She didn't want anyone in the cafe to overhear her personal business.

The "fight club" secrecy was possibly her out of the conversation, instead of saying - can't we not talk about this?

Original poster
canyoudigitohyeah · 08/09/2023 12:21

Which is why I thought the caginess was a bit weird because as far as I understand it the 12th step is to welcome others who might need help?

But maybe she isn't at the 12th step yet I have no idea how you progress through the thing or what the sponsor does because that information doesn't appear to be available unless you go along to a meeting.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread