To wonder if my friend ghosted me because I asked about AA?

My relative went to AA, my understanding is that you don't share information about who else attends or the content of the meetings (other members personal stories)

The then basically said she is not allowed to talk about it, that you can't talk about AA unless you are in it.

I've been a member of AA for years and this is not true. You do not discuss who you saw at meetings or what people say in meetings but you can talk about your recovery in AA to anyone you like as long as you do not claim to be speaking on behalf of AA.

I suspect she is drinking again and is too embarrassed to tell you.

Would that get you thrown out of AA or something?

Absolutely no one can throw you out of AA. I have seen the police called to deal with people who are drunk and behaving in a threatening way but they will be welcomed back as long as they can be civil.

I am in AA - we are reminded at the end of each meeting of the 'Yellow Card', which is literally a yellow card with the words 'who you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here' on it. That means exactly what it says - we do not discuss outside of the meeting anything we've heard, or identify anyone we've encountered in there.

It doesn't mean we can't talk about the program or the fact that we personally are part of it. I have some friends and family who know I attend, and there are some who have no idea.

There is one person I started to talk to about it - she purported to be very interested but actually was very scathing about it (she referred to it as a cult) and it didn't seem as if her interest was genuine. Maybe your friend got the impression that you were judging, or maybe, like others have said, she was uncomfortable with what she'd shared so far or has relapsed.

I agree with those who say she's probably drinking again.

As per PP, I suspect she's drinking again, and is embarrassed.

If I were in your situation, I'd send one last WhatsApp along the lines of 'Hey, hope I wasn't too nosy the other day... you know me when I'm interested in something! Anyway, give me a shout if you fancy lunch [next week]. Speak soon x'

Hope it works out for you. If she is indeed drinking again, she'll maybe get in touch when she's back in AA for a while.

I can’t comment on your friend’s group, but the rule is “what you see here, what you hear here, when you leave here, let it stay here”

It’s the yellow card in AA speak.

AA works on attraction not promotion to quote it. I don’t mind talking about it. I carry the message as it were.

I wouldn’t necessarily want to talk about it in a crowded place.

AA can be a bit no meds. But not paracetamol lol. It’s more mental health stuff and even that is down to the individual. The big book advises we’re not doctors.

She could never admit she smoked weed in the rooms. That’s not sobriety. It could be a cross addiction. It sounds to me like she isn’t in a happy place and is blocking out anyone who knows her and may see her as “failing.” It means admitting she isn’t as well as she thinks. Just my two cents from someone over 7 years sober with AA.

I don't think this has anything to do with you asking about AA.

I'm sober, and while I don't go to AA personally, I know lots of people who do and it's perfectly fine to talk about it with anyone. Obviously, you would never share the identity of anyone who attends or talk about any specifics of anything anyone else shared in a meeting, but totally fine and normal to talk about how AA works and someone's own personal experience of it.

My guess is that something is going on with her sobriety or there is something she is feeling ashamed of. Maybe she isn't sober anymore and is secretly drinking? Maybe she has been avoiding her sponsor and not been to a meeting in months and is upset about it? Maybe she didn't go to AA? Maybe she was in a residential rehab or outpatient programme (where they would attend AA meetings in the community) and she doesn't want to talk about rehab because no one else knows and she's ashamed it got that bad? Who knows. I don't think this is about AA though.

I suspect her recovery isn’t going so well. AA members love sharing and recruiting- it’s literally one of the cornerstones and part of our recovery.

I just googled these questions and answers came up. They are not secrets.

I go to a lot of AA meetings. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking. Step one was simply admitting to myself and the group that I am powerless over alcohol and that because of it my life had become unmanageable.

There are people of all kinds in AA but we do have this one thing in common - alcoholism. Therefore it's impossible to tell why your friend has cut contact with you as it's not a universal behaviour, it's specific to her in relation to you.

Sorry though - it's not nice for you.

If she's hasn't read your WA messages, maybe she's changed her phone?

Are you in contact with other people who know her? Has she posted anywhere to social media since you last saw her?

Is it possible she wasn't doing as well as she made out and her drinking is worse than you think?
Maybe she wanted you to be proud of her progress and she's embarrassed that she's not doing as well or she's gone backwards in her progress.
Usually if it was just a friend who didn't want to stay in touch I would say leave it but if she's your friend and she's vulnerable and you're clearly worried there's no harm in checking in on her she may need some support but not want to burden you with it.

When my drinking was at its worst, I went no or low contact with the people I loved. I was so ashamed and didn't want them to see me, or talk about myself at all. Just asking "how have you been?" would make me cry.

As others suggest, your friend may have relapsed and is back in the madness of active alcoholism.

I don't know how/if you should approach her - that's the sort of thing I'd discuss with my sponsor.

She could never admit she smoked weed in the rooms. That’s not sobriety.

I agree it's not sobriety but I disagree that she could never admit to smoking weed in an AA meeting. It's an honest program and she will not get well of she is lying. She would not be shunned by members for telling the truth, AA meetings are a safe place to be honest without being judged. Plenty of people continue to drink for sometime (maybe years) after their first meeting but they keep coming back and many get there in the end.

Step 12 says, 'we tried to carry this message to alcoholics.' A big part of recovery is 'passing it on'. Ideally, your friend could or maybe should have offered to take you to a meeting - in my experience of 26 years sobriety, many AA members would have jumped at the chance to share in this way. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
An informal call to AA head office can provide more information - it's staffed by volunteers who've been through it themselves.

This is how I reacted to people when I'd fallen off the wagon. It felt too embarrassing/shameful to admit I was drinking again, especially as I'd previously spoken about my sobriety and had provided advice when asked. It made me feel like a fraud, and I did ghost several people who were invested in my sobriety journey - it felt less painful than facing the truth.

I'm not saying this is definitely what happened to your friend, of course.

Also agree with PP who commented that you are allowed to talk about AA outside. Many people are actually quite keen to explain how it works, although I also understand that some might prefer to keep it to themselves. At the beginning of meetings you are reminded that "what you hear here, who you see here, when you leave here, let it stay here" but that refers to specifics on people and what they share, not the broad strokes of its organized, sponsorship, types of shares, etc.

Definitely go to a meeting close to you if you are interested, and hopefully your friend will get back in touch.