to tell my mother my DH has left me (when he hasn't)

[SassySusan]

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Unless your mum is ill i dont think are.

Well, that kind of lie is not usually the answer, as I'm sure you know already. Think you maybe need to accept that she's not very likely to change at 81. Lots of people become more self-absorbed at that age rather than less. I can see why you're upset if this is a long-term thing though. Have you had any counselling to talk about your relationship with your mother?

oh susan...

unless I've got the wrong person here (apologies if so) I can't believe your mum would act like that, given what you've been through. so YANBU at all.

(although are you sure she actually heard what you said?

Well knowing what is going on in your life yanbu
how can people be so thoughtless
hope you're ok xxx

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It must be crap to be together with someone until you're 75 and then they leave for another woman though

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My mum sounds very similar to yours and TBH, I thought you were being rather mean, given your mother's age and what she's been through (getting divorved at 75 must be rather traumatic). But there's clearly some sort of back story, given other people's comments, who know you better.

FWIW, I don't expect support from my mother, limit her calls to one a day, and have just learned to bite my tongue a lot. I wouldn't bother playing the sort of games you are because, as others have said, she's not going to change and you're only going to upset yourself.

Susan, I've just realised who you are, I'm so sorry, you must be having an awful time and of course your mother is bang out of order.

I can only say, from the experience of my own mother, I think some people are so solipsistic (for whatever reason - i think I could pin the blame on my own mother's unhappy childhood), that they're incapable of empathising with other people or of realsing how they come across. This is not to excuse their behaviour at least my low expectations mean I'm not let down - there's just no point looking to my mother for help or support.

meant to say 'BUT at least my low...'

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Well I don´t know your back story, but what a strange thing to say!

I would have thought you would be used to her ways by now so that testing her was pointless tbh.

Perhaps she knows you´re lying?

Can´t you phone her less?

Or say something like "just checking up-glad you´re OK-bye"

Oh, I remember when I got burglared and my mother was much more interested in how it affected her and how upset she was, than me.

I agree, it's difficult once you are a mother to understand how she can be that selfish but I really don't think my mother means to be uncaring (in fact, i think she would be horrified at the suggestion): she's just not capable of empathy (I don't think she was shown much as a child).

Saying that, for your mother not to be concerned about your DD and how you are coping with the aftermath of her death, is quite unforgivable. Which is why I can only suggest you protect yourself by not relying on her in anyway and looking to other people eg, your DH for support. I know that MN is not the place for hugs but I'm sending some anyway to you - my DD is a year older than yours and I cannot imagine coping with the depth of your loss.

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I agree with staranrise, I think you need to give yourself some space from your mum. You really need people in your life who are going to support you....
It does not sound like you are getting that from your mum.
Surround yourself with people who care.
They do not need to be family.
Have been thinking of you recently.

My mum's great with the DCs - she loves children and vice versa (she was a teacher for years), she's interested in what they have to say etc and so gives them time. I think she enjoys their unconditional love though she takes it far too personally when they're being naughty and is always fishing for compliments from them as well as crticising my mothering if I do anything different to how she did it. She's also jealous of all her friends if they have more money/family/better luck than her etc. i feel sorry for her being so miserable and self-absorbed.

T Also, similar to your mother, my mother went through an awful divorce and that has not helped at all - confirmed her belief that she suffers the most, that she's an innocent victim of other people's selfishness etc.

Best of luck for you, moving forward with this - don't let your mother get to you, easier said than done I know, but it sounds like you have enough to deal with as it is.

Susan- my DP left me 2 weeks ago, and my eldest went to live with him

At a family gatheringmy parents showed a vidoe......of last year, me, DP, kids all playing happily together. I had to leave the room as it broke my heart.

I don't know what else is going on in your life, but I DO understand how selfish our parents can be. Mine talk about their hospital visits. My mum can spend 20 minutes telling me a story about how shocked she was that a brand yoghurt has changed flavour- it sends me mad. You are not alone!

It was an unreasonable thing to do but then you're not exactly in reasonable circumstances at the moment so completely understandable. How very selfish (and a bit mean) of your mum to behave like that at a time when she should be doing her utmost to support you.

My step-father's brother left his wife aged 75 a couple of years ago, to shack up with someone in her forties, all deeply bizarre. I can assure you my step-aunt (for want of a better term) isn't sitting at home thinking how much better off people with husbands are, she is embracing an unexpected new life as a vintage bachelorette!

YANBU. You can't help your mum, she can't help you. If you feel you must phone her, I would put the handset down for the first 8 mins at least, a cuppa will do you a lot more good.

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OP-sorry, didn´t sound very sympathetic & it does sound awful for you.

And just re-read & see you put "infrequent phone calls in OP"

And yes knowing it will happen doesn´t make it easier.

My Mum was nothing like yours at all in fact there´s only one event I remember.

2days before my wedding my sister said she couldn´t come so I was down a bridesmaid & therefore the flower girl as her daughter (4, only grandchild) also wouldn´t be coming.

I was gutted-2 days before & my sister chose work over my wedding.

Mum not sympathetic at all, more concerned at not seeing granddaughter-they were abroad & visits not that often.

She took the view that I was still getting married, but her lost visit couldn´t be replaced.

Even though had I not been getting married there never would have been a visit iyswim.

Unbelievable-never known her so selfish & was completely out of the blue.

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But she did take me to stately homes...

I dont think you should lie to your mum. What is the point? Besides which a lie like that might tempt fate

My MIL is like this. She has created some fantasy DH for me and he neither resembles my DH or her late DH. When I was reading a book she said it must be so nice to have someone to discuss it with in the evening. My DH watches football and falls asleep in the evening. He does not discuss literature. It seeems every situation good or bad receives a reply along the same lines.

I think she is depressed being on her own so much. She too is 81 and says nothing to look forward to. She has become more self centred but I suppose it is understandable, I cannot imagine what it must be like to know that you are nearing the end of your life, and spend so much time on your own.