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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say 'I love you' twice?

31 replies

alexisfaith · 10/07/2010 10:11

Dh and I woke up this morning and I turned to give him a little kiss: 'love you sweetie, did you sleep well?' We had a little chat about our weird dreams and he gave me a very lingering kiss. I then said 'aw, I really love you!' meaning 'mmm mmm, that was quite a kiss!'

DH's response? He shouted 'Stop, fuck sake, you keep saying the same thing'. WTF? AIBU to have said what I said? I didn't say 'do the dishes!' twice, I didn't say 'do you love me?' twice. In the context of sleepy kisses, I said 'love you' twice.

I'm probably BU because I was quite hurt by it, I think I just looked like ! Before I could say anything, he left the bedroom and slammed the door.

We grew up very differently. In his family, showing emotional is a weakness. In mine, we're very tactile and open. He has always found great joy and comfort in our relationship and often says 'I love you' to me. I don't know why today it was any different.

OP posts:
ninah · 10/07/2010 10:15

maybe he's not a morning person

proudnsad · 10/07/2010 10:15

Obviously all manner of other shit going on for him. Not sure why you're in AIBU.Why don't you post in relationships?

SirBoobAlot · 10/07/2010 10:16

I'm the same - I forget I've said it sometimes, or sometimes feel the circumstances allow it to be repeated. Whereas DP is the same as your DH.

Men are sucky at times Hope you're okay, know its upsetting.

LadyintheRadiator · 10/07/2010 10:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts · 10/07/2010 10:18

Is it out of character? I expect he was probably just not quite awake, maybe he had another dream which he didn't tell you about which had unsettled him and made him feel a bit jumpy or something.

He'll probably apologise later for being a grump - and if not then you should just tell him that the way he spoke to you this morning upset you.

Original poster
alexisfaith · 10/07/2010 10:18

Thanks SirBoob.

Ninah, I briefly considered that but DH is such a morning person!

I posted in AIBU because he made me feel unreasonable for this particular situation, not because it's a 'relationship' issue IYKWIM? I'd post it here if anyone made my behaviour feel unreasonable.

OP posts:
Dinkytinky · 10/07/2010 10:19

Aw he sounds like he was being a mardy arse.if it were me I'd give him a good telling off for that one, it's very rude and selfish IMO

ninah · 10/07/2010 10:20

in that case yanbu!

Original poster
alexisfaith · 10/07/2010 10:20

Is calling him sweetie a bit vom? I guess it's pretty childish. I do show him lots of affection because his parents were/are so cruel to him, but I run the risk of mothering if I use vom-worthy words! This is helping, thanks!

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 10/07/2010 10:35

Perhaps he feels awkward or self-conscious at that level of affection and it's a bit threatening to him? Or he's stressed at a situation- work? Family? Ttc?

But he was rude and hurt your feelings, and you would be justified to tell him that. Then kick him in the cock.

SirBoobAlot · 10/07/2010 10:35

I don;t think its vom, think it entirely depends on how affectionate - verbally - your relationship is.

Original poster
alexisfaith · 10/07/2010 10:37

Lady, if he were a twat it would be easier. It's very out of character.

OP posts:
LadyintheRadiator · 10/07/2010 10:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
alexisfaith · 10/07/2010 10:46

He just came in from the shop and asked why I looked pissed off earlier in bed. I repeated what he said. He looked surprised as what he claims to have said was 'Fuck sake, stop needing to say the same thing, I know!' and meant 'stop being insecure' and walked out of the bedroom because I made the face. He was trying to say 'you don't need to say it to reassure yourself or over-compensate for my parents'. I do believe him as, like I said, I try to make up for his parents' cruelty and sometimes I probably do over-verbalize! He says he now realizes that was a bad way of saying 'I know you do!', is angry with himself that I had been upset and has instructed me to kick him in the balls...

I'm embarrassed that I ranted on here when all he did was shit at saying 'I know you do'. Ball-kicking will commence shortly (joke)...

Thanks all.

OP posts:
SirBoobAlot · 10/07/2010 10:49

Aw bless his cottons. Could he come have a word with my DP, please?!

I'd kick him in the balls anyway... Just so he remembers to be clearer next time

LadyintheRadiator · 10/07/2010 10:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickelbabe · 10/07/2010 10:55

i like that he told you to kick him in the balls! take up that offer ;)

FWIW - DF and I say I love you all the time. it fills in a nice quiet gap.
neither of us is insecure.

might be worth just telling him that you say you love him because you love him, not because you're worried that he doesn't know!

BertieBotts · 10/07/2010 11:05

Aww, glad it turned out to be something innocent

I think you should tell him if he swears at you again though you WILL kick him in the balls

PortiaNovmerriment · 10/07/2010 11:17

To be serious though, you do know you can't 'fix' him, right? Let him deal with his own stuff.

GoldenTomato · 10/07/2010 11:18

Your DP should count himself lucky. 15 years and two DCs with my DP and he's never said 'I love you'. In fact refuses point blank. Just once would be nice and yes I know it's just words and actions speak louder etc etc but all the same...............

Alouiseg · 10/07/2010 13:27

I sympathise with him. Dh tells me a lot that he loves me and I find it irritating to the point where I've told him to save it otherwise it loses it's meaning.

I'd much rather have actions than words and I think that saying something too often cheapens it.

ISNTitFUNtoBEinDISGUISE · 10/07/2010 13:38

Yes that's true. I have cut right back on being verbally affectionate with the children. I find that telling them I love them at, say, christmas and birthdays, is plenty. Anything else is overkill, sentimental, meaningless and will spoil them. Absolutely spot on alouise. Such a refreshing POV.

GoldenTomato · 10/07/2010 13:52

Totally agree with Alouiseg,
well certainly about adult relationships. In the only abusive relationship I had my ex P told me he loved me all the time however he was also verbally and mentally abusive and I finally left him when I found out out he had two other women on the go throughout all this.

How many threads do you read in relationships where a woman outlines appalling abuse then says 'but I know he loves me because he tells me he does'. Yes actions do truly speak louder than words!

ISNTitFUNtoBEinDISGUISE · 10/07/2010 13:55

Hmm my DH tells me he loves me quite a lot. Obviously this gets on my nerves and I tell him to fuck right off when he says it, but now I wonder whether it is possible he is abusive.

I have to say I have heard him being soppy with the children when he thinks I cannot hear, does this mean he is abusing them as well.

It's tricky isn't it.

ISNTitFUNtoBEinDISGUISE · 10/07/2010 13:58

Sorry I'm getting unnecessarily sarcastic.

It is not wrong to tell someone you love that you love them. It is not abusive to tell someone you love that you love them.

Just because people are more demonstrative than others, does not mean they are fake, meaningless, do not feel depth of emotion or are abusive FGS

Honestly why can't people just accept that sometimes other people like to do things a different way.