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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my cleaner not to shout at her 4yo DS in my house?

38 replies

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 10/07/2010 08:32

First AIBU - be gentle! I have a cleaner who has been with me for over 10 years. She comes to my house 4 mornings a week (I know, I'm lucky!). She has a 4 year old DS who she will be bringing with her every time once the school holidays start. He is a cute boy and a typical scamp, and it is hard for her to work and look after him. So she spends a lot of time shouting at him to stop doing this, do that etc. It's quite ineffective as he doesnt do what she says, and she doesnt follow through but just keeps shouting, so she spends a lot of the time here shouting.

I hate hearing it, and my own DCs have said to me it upsets them and ruins the atmosphere in the house. I don't want their holidays affected by this and would like to ask her not to do it but have been anguishing for weeks about whether it would be a really offensive request. How can I phrase it so it doesn't come across as a criticism or a slur on her parenting skills? Or do I just have to accept it as the price of having her here?

OP posts:
Adair · 10/07/2010 08:35

Can't your dc play with him? Or stick on a dvd? (ideally I'd say he shouldn't be there at all but tbh if he can be managed then why not?)

Lulumaam · 10/07/2010 08:38

she's probably hyper aware there are other people around and is wanting him to behave v v well , so everytime he does something she is tellign him off

why not get your DCs to play with him or put the telly on for him?

or get the DCs all out in the garden? if she's been wit you for 10 years and is trustworthy and good at what she does, then mentioneing it is not a great idea,she will most likely find it v v critical..

what do your DCs do when this 4 year old is being bored witless having to follow his mum as she cleans?

thesecondcoming · 10/07/2010 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FranSanDisco · 10/07/2010 08:47

I bet she is feeling stressed having him with her and is ultra tough on him. Why don't you entertain him or get your dcs to play with him?

FranSanDisco · 10/07/2010 08:48

I meant to say i am a little surprised you are worried about this spoiling your dcs holiday/atmosphere in the house rather than thinking how can the 4 yo have a little fun.

satc2bringiton · 10/07/2010 08:50

Why should she entertain him?

I wouldnt say anything about the shouting tbh, it will only be taken as an insult.

I would either put on a dvd or go out.

FranSanDisco · 10/07/2010 08:58

By entertain him I mean put on a DVD not act like a clown and juggle balls .

Adair · 10/07/2010 09:00

Thesecondcoming, I had that image too!

SlartyBartFast · 10/07/2010 09:22

agree, it would be ultra insulting to mention the shouting. go out or help look after him. what are you all doing while he is misbehaving

BAFE · 10/07/2010 09:24

Good God woman!!!!!!! just go out.

Or do you all sit on the sofa and lift your feet so she can hoover.

waitingforbedtime · 10/07/2010 09:26

How old are your kids because tbh Id be telling mine to toughen up a bit.

Original poster
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 10/07/2010 09:29

I promise it's not all upstairs/downstairs! Laughing at the images my OP created!

My DCs spend a lot of time entertaining this little boy, as does my nanny. They are a bit older (14, 11, 7) but they love him and enjoy playing with him. I encourage him to play in the garden, and have kept all our younger DVDs and lots of younger toys which my DCs have grown out of so he has things to do here. He LOVES coming to my house and playing - more space, more toys, more company than he is used to at home. So my cleaner gets paid and gets great free childcare as well!

But my DCs do want/need to do other things too when he is here so they can't entertain him the whole time, or they may even be out, and so then he does run around and need entertaining and his mum, as you say, gets worried and wants him to be quiet and then she shouts. And shouts. And shouts. I quite understand why she does it - I just wish she wouldn't. A lot of the time I am at work, obviously, but sometimes I am working from home and on the phone and people at the other end can hear her shouting .

But I guess you've answered my question - it would BU to ask her not to shout at him in my house....off to think of plan B.

OP posts:
whomovedmychocolate · 10/07/2010 09:30

So to be clear, you love your cleaner but don't like her parenting? If you had your head down the bog while your child was juggling your employers very valuable china ornaments would you shout?

No, don't say anything. If you really hate it buy the poor kid a sticker book and point him at it when he arrives, he'll sit quietly stickering.

AmazingBouncingFerret · 10/07/2010 09:34

How long is your cleaner at your house for? Cant be that long if it's 4 mornings a week. I know it's not completely ideal but cant your own children put off the important things they want to do until your cleaner has finished? You then eliminate the child misbehaving, the cleaner shouting, and your own children moaning. Problem solved!

Megatron · 10/07/2010 09:40

God that poor kid, he must be bored stiff spending the morning of his school holidays going to work with his (probably very stressed) mum. You can't tell your cleaner how to parent her own child but perhaps you can suggest that she worry less about having him there. Do you have a butler and a cook as well? Please say you do.

Original poster
WorkingItOutAsIGo · 10/07/2010 09:51

Megatron of course I do! DH cooks, DS (14) pours the wine...

ABF My cleaner comes for 3 hours, 4 mornings a week. I can't insist my kids play with her son four mornings a week of their summer holidays - they do play with him a lot, but they have their own friends, their own activities etc. So he is well entertained but not every second.

I think my cleaner really appreciates the fact she can bring him to work with her, and how welcomed he is, and don't want to impact that.

OP posts:
frasersmummy · 10/07/2010 09:59

3 hours 4 mornings a week???

I would live with a bit shouting for a few weeks to have a house that is sparkling from top to bottom constantly

SoBloodyTired · 10/07/2010 10:00

You mention you have a nanny. At your kids ages I can't imagine it would be impossible for her to spend time with the 4 year old.

YunoYurbubson · 10/07/2010 10:04

I would find this annoying too. Could you try reassuring her that he's not annoying you, so no need to shout?

Or failing that, if you're working from home I'd be inclined to pop your head out of your office mid-shout and politely say you are on the phone so would she mind not shouting please. Thank you.

SugarMousePink · 10/07/2010 10:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ninah · 10/07/2010 10:17

four and he's been at school a year?

charmander · 10/07/2010 10:21

Can you reassure her that if he wants to run around/ yell or whatever you are happy for him to do it in a specific place. So rather than say 'don't shout at your child' say what you are happy for him to do when there is no one else to play with.

nellie12 · 10/07/2010 10:22

Yeah thats mine too ninah. 5th birthday in july.

Can you direct the little boy to some toys to play with and tell your cleaner that you're not bothered by what he's doing.

Unless he is about to break the valuables - in which case I'd let her get on with it.

ninah · 10/07/2010 10:26

just seems so young doesn't it? good advice nellie, agree she is probably stressed about his behaviour which is making everything worse
op i bet she really appreciates being able to bring him though

CakeandRoses · 10/07/2010 10:28

YANBU

As SugarMouse says above - perhaps just reassure your cleaner that you're very comfortable with her DS being there and he's a lovely boy but the shouting makes it difficult for you to work etc. Perhaps she's shouting to make a point to you that she is trying to discipline him, maybe she wouldn't do it if she knew that you weren't too worried about what he was up to (within reason!)

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