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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be upset that DD hasn't won an award

34 replies

earthworm · 09/07/2010 18:00

Think IABU but require confirmation.

DD is in Y6 at a state primary that, every year, hold an awards ceremony during the last week of term.

About 20 children (out of about 100 in year group) receive awards, and their parents receive letters by post inviting them to attend.

The letter tells them to keep the invite a secret so that their children will be delighted on the day, but inevitably people can't resist having a little boast when they receive their letter and the rest of us then feel a bit rubbish.

The awards are for academic stuff, sport, music, art, attendance, trying hard etc.

DD is lovely and we always get good comments at parents evening, but she doesn't stand out or excel at anything and I had hoped that she might receive some recognition in one of the less academic awards.

She has now got wind of it all via a friend and is saying that she is rubbish at everything, that the same people always win everything so there's no point even trying etc.

I know that most children haven't won anything, and am not suggesting prizes for everyone or anything like that, but still feel a bit sad and like I want to poke her teacher in the eye if only that were socially acceptable.

IABU aren't I?

OP posts:

macdoodle · 09/07/2010 18:03

yes

VuvuzelaPlenticlew · 09/07/2010 18:06

YABU, but understandable. It's just that protective feeling, isn't it?

Don't let her know you are remotely bothered, though -- much better to act as if, in your eyes, it couldn't matter less because she's so wonderful and you love her so much.

VuvuzelaPlenticlew · 09/07/2010 18:08

Anyway, nobody looks back on primary school and feels bad they didn't get more awards. It will pass into insignificance so fast. I know you are worried about a general background sense of rubbishness developing; but try not to assume that will happen, just help her pick her spirits up and move on.

minipie · 09/07/2010 18:09

I think you should explain to her about "good all rounders" versus "those who excel at just one thing"

she is obviously a good all rounder

matumble · 09/07/2010 18:10

not unreasonable to be disappointed for your dd, of course you are you are her mum. it would be unreasonable to act on it though

abr1de · 09/07/2010 18:10

I know how you feel. We sat through a prize day on the last day of my son's time at his prep. I think he was possibly one of about six kids in the year who didn't get anything and I did feel for them. It's a very a bright year and my son is bright and a good-all-rounder, but not as bright and good at sport as others. But he tries very, very hard and does his best.

But...it's part of life, isn't it? Most peope won't win prizes but may be great at life, if you know what I mean. Where will all these prize-winners be in 40 years' time, that's the question. Happily employed? Happily married? Healthy? Those are the things that really matter.

Hullygully · 09/07/2010 18:11

I hate this (and my dc do often get awards). I think schools should make an effort to acknowledge all the children, what's wrong with: most kind and helpful, responsible, etc etc. Make them all feel good.

Blu · 09/07/2010 18:11

YABU, but it's totally understandabel.

If only one in 5 kids gets anaward, she will have the company of the majority of her classmates to commiserate with.

Tell her that not all good things are measured by awards and get her to tell you what she would win awards for if there was such a category. i.e look to her own strengths.

Dinkytinky · 09/07/2010 18:24

I think it's unreasonable of the school tbh. But as every one says I'm sure your dd is a great all rounder, if I was you I'd have your own little ceremony for your dc and she should win and award for 'kindest big sister' 'best fairy cake maker' and maybe a small treat like a little fudge bar/new DVD or something?

DetectivePotato · 09/07/2010 18:26

YABU, but I understand. I was your DD when I was at school. Had good reports, well behaved, lovely manners etc but never got any recognition. It sucks.

Lynli · 09/07/2010 18:40

DS always gets awards at the same time as other people whose surname starts with the same letter. One of the ladies got married recently and we laughed than now her surname starts with the same letter as mine her DD will get a head teachers award at the same time as my DS and she did.

primarymum · 09/07/2010 18:43

Either you give everyone an award, which rather devalues them, or some people will have to do without.

Original poster

earthworm · 09/07/2010 19:09

Thank you for helping me to get this into perspective, lots of sensible advice.

Have made self feel better by downgrading teacher's end of term gift

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 09/07/2010 19:10

I've got some non-academic who try very hard to do their best, and some very academic who have to work hard at social skills and kindness.
I've got some disasters who always think about inclusion and being supportive of others, whether they are friends or not.
I have some who are wonderful at seeing what needs to be done around the place and just doing it.
But sometimes an average child is average all round, academically, socially and citizenship-wise; pleasant but not very hard working, not especially kind or thoughtful, not particularly inclusive or proactive at anything.
So what does your daughter do that is noteworthy?

Quattrocento · 09/07/2010 19:15

I really don't like prizes tbh. DS has worked his butt off all year to win the maths prize (is a state secret and NO-ONE, especially not DD is allowed to know about the effort he expended, so please don't tell).

He is amazingly good at maths. Really really good. Off the SAT scale. Unfortunately, at his expensive selective school, there is one boy who is better. DS is literally gutted.

So the thing about prizes, is that they incentivise the few but disincentivise the many. Absolutely has to be a bad idea.

AliGrylls · 09/07/2010 19:16

It's a bit sad - but then on the other hand winning an award isn't everything and how many bright people are there in the world who have gone through life having never won an award? You are probably talking about the vast majority of the population.

Personally, I take the view that winning awards at school isn't everything and hard work brings it own rewards later on in life.

deaddei · 09/07/2010 19:19

LOL earthworm.
YABU- can't give everyone a prize.
DD never got anything at primary, but has had 2 awards in yr 7 and 8 so far.

seeker · 09/07/2010 19:21

My dd came in with a comedy flounce yesterday and said "HUH - I didn't even get "Most Ginger" - Emily was even ginger-er than me!!"

bumpsoon · 09/07/2010 19:25

when my ds left primary school there were 8 children in the leavers class ,he was the only one who didnt get an award for anything ,his teacher at the time was baffled that he was upset

MistyB · 09/07/2010 19:28

and somehow, that everyone else does not recognise how amazing and wonderful and sweet our DC is is hurtful to us!!

Goblinchild · 09/07/2010 19:31

bumpsoon, I agree that to exclude one out of 8 or 18 or 80 is unforgivable.

cutupmum · 09/07/2010 19:46

My ds didnt get an award at primary school but out of school he had all those swimming and cycling certificates and well done for going highwiring type things and even a gold maths challenge and that helped to make up for it really. Truth is that even four years later none of it mattered as no one ever cares whether or not you got prizes in primary school
I did go to the end of primary school prize giving. I knew he would not get one (he's good but quiet) I hated the girl who got five prizes but only for a moment.
The main thing is to keep them motivated so they dont start thinking they will never get a prize

Sanesometimes1 · 09/07/2010 19:55

I know exactly how you feel and would love to give the teachers and the smug mothers a good kick in the shin ! lol

zazen · 09/07/2010 20:02

I think these sort of awards sound positively dreadful what is the real point of them?

There is always going to be a bigger fish however you (secretly) worked - being a big fish in a small pond isn't worth being proud about.

I'm not posting from the UK BTW, but my gut tells me that these are a very bad idea - divisive and discriminatory at too early an age.

No one of us is better or worse than the other, and this includes children.

By all means assess the children academically later on when you need to know their strengths and knowledge, but when in primary, there is no logic to them. Children's minds and motivation are very plastic at this age, and they are very impressionable: so sad to hear that someone's DD thinks she 'is rubbish' - that negative self labelling is horrific IMO.

I say let them be kids together without these crazy hoops to jump, and the upset, loss of self esteem and envy they engender.

Test them later when they are ready for it, and when it means something.

mumbar · 09/07/2010 20:04

YANBU but unfortunatly that seems to be common in schools. DS' school does 100% attendeance awards which I actually don't agree with as children who are off with long term illnesses already suffer and then get a negative feeling when they don't get an ward. DS got one last term with the wrong term written on it!!!!

I do think that unfortunatly you get the sportsmen/woman and the aceademic ones and the ones in the middle who have to work hardest to keep up don't get an award!!! Silly really but thats the way it is.

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