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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to be having a second baby (mom and MIL disagree)?- long, sorry

42 replies

doubleshotlatte · 08/07/2010 15:42

I don't get it, they're supposed to be overjoyed at being grandparents again (ok, MIL not so much, she has 2 from SIl plus our DD and she doesn't seem to like children IYSWIM)

Look, I'm only about 5 weeks into this much-anticipated, much-SWI-ed pregnancy. And after last year's traumatic MC we're not celebrating yet. But is this sort of argument really necessary....?

"You don't have any help" (we have no relatives in the city, PILs having moved far,far away from any prospect of babysitting and dole out occasional measured visits that are carefully planned to ensure they're never alone with DD) .... (and we can't afford a nanny/childminder/fulltime nursery = the price for living in London)

"DD will get neglected" no I can never neglect her, resisted sending her to nursery till now (she's 2) and any sort of uncaring care, why would that change?

"That I'm already so tired and fraught looking after DD all day, how will I manage with a 2nd?"

"My career" (Hah bloody hah, my ex-career, in media which is the ultimate enemy of all things motherhood, the day you pop a baby you're loathed by anyone in charge of any measly aspect of Telly)

Besides, I've cared for DD 24hrs a day 8 days a week for 2 years, without DH even once letting me have a Sat/Sun off (DIY stuff, work, etc). So here I am, already incarcerated, feeling broody. In for a penny...

And if we're so alone, doesn't DD really need a sibling/playmate?

Please tell me what to think? Tired, sore and now in tears here....

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/07/2010 15:46

what's it got to do with them?

Unless you are expecting them to babysit (unreasonable) or finance your growing family (unreasonable!) or they have some duty or responsibility that you demand from them, then tbh love, they don't get an opinion!

"I'm sorry you're not happy for us. We are thrilled about it. I take it you don't want to be involved then? That's fine."

  • your husband doesn't 'let' you have a day off?

and you are going to get slaughtered for your uncaring care comment. brace yourself

pointissima · 08/07/2010 15:47

Congratulations! Take no notice of any of them: it is none of their business and don't let them spoil the joy for you. You will manage, you will have two lovely children and as and when and if you want to you will find your way back into your career

TastesLikePanda · 08/07/2010 15:49

DNBU - your body, your life, your choice.
It's not up to them, it's up to you - tbh it doesn't even sound like 'caring' criticism i.e. concerned for your welfare.
Apologies if I sound slightly bitter but this is the reaction I got from my mom when I let her know we were thinking of trying for my first.
Good Luck with everything x

RudeEnglishLady · 08/07/2010 15:49

Ignore them - they've done what they wanted now you do what you want. Go and get some tiny baby clothes out of the loft or wherever you keep them and have a look at them and think about all the nice things and why you want another baby.

Congratulations x x

thumbwitch · 08/07/2010 15:53

Think "Hurrah! We're having a lovely baby!"

Ignore sour-faced lemonsucking old catsbummouth mother types - not their life, not their business (directly anyway) and be HAPPY that you are pg.

If it makes you feel any better, when I told my Mum I was expecting my first (DS), she said "Oh no, now I'll have 6 GC" - like that was a bad thing?! Not that she ever got to see him but that's neither here nor there.

COngratulations anyway - good luck!

GiddyPickle · 08/07/2010 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MrsC2010 · 08/07/2010 15:55

Grrrr, ignore them.

BUT, talk to your husband about needing a bit more support...his child/ren too!

Original poster
doubleshotlatte · 08/07/2010 15:55

Hello Hecate (is that the hecate?)

By uncaring care, I mean in partic the small percentage of professional carers I have seen around here who didn't seem to be that warm or affectionate towards their charges.

But we are lucky to have DD just started at a nursery once a week with some really lovely staff, who I'm sure are more the norm. BTW, my sending DD to nursery struck me off the lists of the Moms who divide their mom-friends into the nursery and non-nursery types

OP posts:
LutyensCBA · 08/07/2010 15:56

My MIL was like this. She kept asking "are you sure?" right up to month 5!!! I am now 29 weeks and she's only just shut up but still comes up with comments on how little we have planned our future

AFAIAC her opinion counts for jackshit. As does your MIL's. As long as you and your dh are happy that's all that matters. Don't let them spoil this for you.

Congratulations and wish you a healthy pregnancy

Mumcentreplus · 08/07/2010 16:01

They need to MTOB!!

Congrats

skyeplusbump · 08/07/2010 16:01

congratulations!!!

screw them!

i am in a simaler situation...my mother lives a street away and mil live 5mins bus ride away (we moved closer as they kept moaning they never saw dd)
and they never babysit at all,
still felt they got to but their noses in when we found out no2 was on the way...NONE OF THEIR BUSSINESS!!!
you will get a lovely baby and playmate for dc1!

thesecondcoming · 08/07/2010 16:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthatporridgeinyourhair · 08/07/2010 16:06

Congratulations . Ignore them. Your family - your choice. I would ask DH to do a bit more tbh - you do need a bit of time out on occasion.

slushy · 08/07/2010 16:14

I had all the things you mentioned particularly the how will you cope, I actually used it when MIL wanted me to take my two dc one newborn two a wedding 4hour drive I said well remember how you said I would find it difficult to cope well I can't come to the wedding because it is to soon and I wont cope . Never seen a smile drop of a face so quickly .

I told my nan I was pg and she said 'oh your not are you how could you be so stupid'

Just ignore them and get used to ignoring because soon you will have the bet you are hoping for a ds.

Congratulations enjoy and tell them to MTOB

Wanderingsheep · 08/07/2010 16:14

Sod 'em! Nowt to do with them. You know that you're having a planned, much wanted baby so don't let them spoil your happiness! They'll come round to the idea.

Congratulations!

TheCalvert · 08/07/2010 16:34

Doubleshot - I had a similar experience with my parents when I first told them I was preggers with DS1. I got how? (how do you think...!) why? (because we both wanted a baby) and you have no family living within a 200 mile radius and you still have to pay off a massive student loan.

Now with a glorious 3.7 y.o and a 3 month old, I get the impression that they think it was totally the right decision (my sons are really lush) and we have brought them up well so far on our own without starving them and dressing them in bin bags

As for thesecondcoming - your family are . I think you have the right attitude!

odisco · 08/07/2010 16:40

Why are some people's parent's so awful? I really don't understand.

TakeLovingChances · 08/07/2010 16:43

OP - YANBU to want another baby. But, YABU if you let your mum or MIL dictate to you what you can/can't do.

minipie · 08/07/2010 16:43

good lord.

from the way they are carrying on, anyone would think you were about to have your tenth child, not your second.

and do they not think you and DH have the brains to have thought about their various arguments already and decided to go ahead nonetheless?

ignore 'em.

thesecondcoming · 08/07/2010 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lynli · 08/07/2010 16:46

My DM said, when told I was expecting Ds "Well I am not wasting any of my money on it after last time". Last time was a very late miscarriage.

Just ignore them.

LadyThompson · 08/07/2010 16:47

Doubleshot - I know it's horrid when someone rains on your parade. Especially something like this. But

a) Try to enjoy your lovely pregnancy. It's wonderful news. Don't let them tarnish it for you! What on earth are they thinking of! Any potential doubts they might have (and theirs sound unreasonable) should only be couched in the most tactful way possible!

b) Your DH needs to give you some more time to yourself. TELL HIM.

c) Job in telly/the media - tell me about it. I was made redundant after mat leave, it nearly went to a tribunal and they had to settle with me. There are redundancies and job losses in telly all over the shop at the moment. Go back when the DCs are older and the climate is more convivial.

d) London is a fab place to be. Enjoy it. I left for the country when I had DD (now 19months) and I miss it every day. I still have a tiny flat there as it happens, but would love to be there full time.

In short, (and I mean this in a really encouraging way) don't let them get you down, and count your blessings.

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 08/07/2010 16:55

None of their business! None at all.

But they sound impossible to ignore. Could you simply ban them from discussing it in front of you until after DC is born?

(Once DD/DS is born, I'm sure they'll be OK with him/her...?)

Rockbird · 08/07/2010 16:56

Sorry, haven't read the whole thread because I didn't need to! What the fuckety fuck has it got to do with anyone else? You want a baby, fantastic, you're having one and lots and lots of luck with it. Any dissenters can bugger off.

Congratulations

HecateQueenOfWitches · 08/07/2010 16:57

no double, I am not the actual Queen of Witches.

although there are those who would disagree...

Don't worry what other people think of your choice. They are not giving birth to them, or paying for them, or raising them and you have the option of telling them to fuck right off if you feel their behaviour has made them forfeit their right to be in your life.

And make sure they know that being in your life is a privilege, not a right and it's a privilege you are happy to withdraw!