Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

...to be having a second baby (mom and MIL disagree)?- long, sorry

42 replies

doubleshotlatte · 08/07/2010 15:42

I don't get it, they're supposed to be overjoyed at being grandparents again (ok, MIL not so much, she has 2 from SIl plus our DD and she doesn't seem to like children IYSWIM)

Look, I'm only about 5 weeks into this much-anticipated, much-SWI-ed pregnancy. And after last year's traumatic MC we're not celebrating yet. But is this sort of argument really necessary....?

"You don't have any help" (we have no relatives in the city, PILs having moved far,far away from any prospect of babysitting and dole out occasional measured visits that are carefully planned to ensure they're never alone with DD) .... (and we can't afford a nanny/childminder/fulltime nursery = the price for living in London)

"DD will get neglected" no I can never neglect her, resisted sending her to nursery till now (she's 2) and any sort of uncaring care, why would that change?

"That I'm already so tired and fraught looking after DD all day, how will I manage with a 2nd?"

"My career" (Hah bloody hah, my ex-career, in media which is the ultimate enemy of all things motherhood, the day you pop a baby you're loathed by anyone in charge of any measly aspect of Telly)

And if we're so alone, doesn't DD really need a sibling/playmate?

Please tell me what to think? Tired, sore and now in tears here....

OP posts:

30andMerkin · 08/07/2010 16:57

Is there any chance this isn't quite so sour-puss as its coming across, and actually they've clocked that your husband isn't helping you as much as he should, and that you will physically need another pair of hands/eyes around occasionally with another little one...?

If both your parents come from a generation where men DID NOT HELP, and its rubbed off on the pair of you, consciously or not, then maybe they're just trying to get you to wait a bit until DH helps of DD grows up a little?

(I have a fairly half-baked theory that that's why so many of my friends have 4-years-plus age gaps between their brothers and sisters, whereas most parents my age have kids with only 2 years or so between them, because men are expected to be much more hands on nowadays, but when it was normal for the SAHM to do everything, she'd wait till the first had gone to school. Told you it was half-baked!).

hifi · 08/07/2010 17:12

Besides, I've cared for DD 24hrs a day 8 days a week for 2 years, without DH even once letting me have a Sat/Sun off (DIY stuff, work, etc). So here I am, already incarcerated, feeling broody. In for a penny...
how do you let him get away with this.surely you are both parents? i agree with previous poster that maybe they see the lack of support you get from dh and do worry about you.

coppertop · 08/07/2010 17:14

If you have a SIL then surely that means that your MIL had more than one child - and presumably without neglecting one of them?

Original poster

doubleshotlatte · 08/07/2010 17:34

Wow, thank you Mumsnetters, am I ever so f*ing glad I joined this lovely site, I'd be stark raving without you lot thank you and

at thesecondcoming you sound like a really strong lady, hope I can be as strong

BreastmilkDoes... (lovely name ) I've done exactly that, lets see if they take my advice

LadyThompson Thx for reminding me how much I love this city, its why I'm here, tho I haven't been able to enjoy it as much as I used to but maybe DD (2) can now come along with me to cultural shindigs - it'll only do her good and its not like her Dad'll look after her anyway

OP posts:

SloanyPony · 08/07/2010 17:46

Congrats!

I had 2, 2 years apart, no help (no sister down the road, mother next door, MIL in the same town) - no relatives at all nearby.

Husband works ridiculous hours and travels abroad for work a fair bit.

Its been hard at times, but I coped. My son is not neglected - possibly my daughter is (!) but seriously, you'll be FINE.

Tryharder · 08/07/2010 17:55

You are a SAHM in a stable relationship, OK financially with just one child and expecting another one? That's great - ideal situation surely?

Now had you said you were a single mother, drug addict, on benefits, living in a B&B and expecting your 6th unplanned child by 6 different fathers, then I could understand people being a bit judgy.

Ignore them. But it puzzles me why people are being so negative towards you? Have you expressed any discontent or inability to cope before.

If it makes you feel better, I hardly got one nice comment from family or close friends when I told them I was expecting DC3 but everyone has come round and is looking forward to the arrival.

Original poster

doubleshotlatte · 08/07/2010 18:57

@Tryharder and Hifi (among others) well spotted. I have of course moaned about DH's disinclination to do a full day of DD care to my Mom (MIL of course is not interested in any moaning from me). But she does come from the generation where Dads did very little other than drift by with the occasional patronising "coochie-coo".

I'm more inclined to think Mom, Dad and Bro's less-than-enchantedness with my pregnancy has less to do with concern than with embarassment. At my SAHM and soon-to-be-mom-again status. Not as glamorous and not as many perks (discounting gorgeous grand-daughter/niece), and certainly not as good a conversation prop, as a prestigious job in BFC (Big F*ing Channel). They're just embarassed, I think. "Oh bosh, she's going to get all fat and waddly again" "What a drag!" "She'll have no conversation at all now..."

Well, I can dream of a distant day of revenge/return of super career woman (but at age 40 its really distant you know!)

OP posts:

Hassled · 08/07/2010 19:01

Well I've never ever had help from families (dead in my case, too old in DH's case) and have a husband who works elsewhere most of the time, and I've managed to have 4 DCs quite successfully . Your DH may need to get his act together at the weekends, but otherwise ignore these nutters - they'll change their tune when the baby's here anyway. And congratulations.

AliGrylls · 08/07/2010 19:09

Maybe you should point out to them that most people actually manage to cope with two children. They are being weird,

Congratulations and I hope all goes well.

mamatomany · 08/07/2010 19:19

Unless you are 15 it's a wonderful piece of news and if they can't see that, it's their loss.
Congratulations.

Firawla · 08/07/2010 19:26

YANBU
they are being very U and rude
not sure why exactly they think you wont cope with two, im sure you will be fine
maybe it just says more about their own abilities iyswim? for eg mil was always saying oh you will have to send ds1 to me every day because you wont be able to look after two by yourself (i never sent him at all, it was not a problem) but she has about 8 years each between all her dc so maybe thinks its difficult, but many people have 2 dc and cope fine as im sure you will
so congrats and just ignore them or tell them to get lost

firsttimemum77 · 09/07/2010 13:36

congrats! None of their business - sod them!
You'll be fine...Tell them if they can't be happy for you then to say nothing at all!!!
And tell them that you are not expecting anything from them so they have nothing to worry about in terms of childcare / visits!

Chynah · 09/07/2010 17:14

Ignore them it's none of their business!

We have no family within a two hour drive and 2 children under 18 months - it's hard but you will manage!

Congrats!

Mibby · 09/07/2010 18:45

Firstly....Congratulations, I hope you have a great pregnancy

Secondly...Ignore them, my Dads first reaction to the news of his first, much wanted (by us) grandchild, was 'oh I suppose you want me to spend hours in the attic sorting our all your old baby stuff, well I'm busy!' No Dad, we wanted a little support/ congratulations!

If they do nothing to help now, at least you know where you stand and don't have any expectations of them

And as to them being 'embarassed' by you...Pah! Don't waste your time with such people!

Blu · 09/07/2010 18:59

Congratulations, of course - very pleased you have the pg you want, and fingers crossed for it.

Their reaction is horrid. But why are they ALL doing it? Are they all obsessed with your career, figure, conversation above all else? Or are you feeling a little of that, feeling a little martyred (your OP is shot thorugh with martyrdom) and projecting? Do ou moan more than you think? Do they do it to sort of create a dissociation in case there is another miscarriage?

It's GREAT that you are having another baby...but you do sound as if you need the occasional break and show of support sometimes. Just GO on a Sunday and leave DH to it with your dd!

otchayaniye · 09/07/2010 19:05

Congratulations, and do ignore them.

But not necessarily true that you can't have a career in telly and continue it. My husband works in telly news (I'm a print journalist) and we both work part time and share her care. Depends on the outlet though. BBC is different to CNN. Plus, foreign assignments become more difficult to tee up, but that's not Stopping us.

Good luck.

bumpsoon · 09/07/2010 19:38

Next time anyone says anything ,just shout 'armpit' at the top of your voice and blame it on your hormones

Flip

1 2