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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she is a selfish little madam!

32 replies

pennyprincess · 06/07/2010 13:49

Really got to get this one off my chest. But it is a bit of a long one.

Background Info:
Dh has 2 step children lets call them John and Jane. He was married to their mother and brought them up from about the age of 3. He and the mother split up when the kids were about 17/19. They are now 22/24.

He is still close to them and has always been a great dad to them. That is not just my opinion, they say this and so does their mother.

So dh and i have been together 3 years and we have a 1 year old together - his only child of his own.

dh has since the split from his ex always remained in contact and we frequently go out with them for meals (which we pay for)and for their birthdays and christmases given them either cash (£100) or a similarly priced present. None of which was begrudged.

But:
When our baby was born they did not send us a card or a gift.
The first christmas we were together we got a small gift from them (Which I susupect was bought by john's then girlfriend) but nothing subsequent years.
On fathers day he usually gets a card of john but nothing from jane.
On his birthday again usually gets a card of john (and even a present last year) but nothing from jane.

Anyway dh has never mentioned the lack o cards etc so I have not brought it up.

Anyway I moved forward to last weekend it was our daughters christening day. We had asked jane and john to be the godparents. (Jane had made it clear she wanted to be asked). Anyway john gave us a card (a blue card!) but from jane their was no card or gift.

I am really shocked and dont really know what to think. Has she just been brought up badly, is she really selfish, I am unreasonable.

I just feel as if this is a take take relationship from her. And while I have made allowances for her age I just dont understand why you would want to be and accept being a godparent for a baby and not even get them a card and a little pressie.

OP posts:

diamondsandtiaras · 06/07/2010 13:55

she is a bit selfish yes. With regards to the christening, would she be aware that it is customary to buy a card and gift? I'm not a church goer and haven't been to a christeing since I was a child, so might not necessarily think to buy a gift IYSWIM.........

sarahscot · 06/07/2010 13:55

Sounds like she is a selfish, but also just that she's playing the role of daughter. She may be in her 20s but when it comes to parents I think early-20-somethings are still a bit teenage - i.e. it's all take take take.

Perhaps you could say something to her about her dad possibly being offended by not getting cards etc. Don't do it as an attack, more like a 'let's keep him happy, you know he needs reminders we love him'. Does that make any sense?

slushy · 06/07/2010 13:57

Perhaps she is short on funds and buys no one cards.

Perhaps she feels jealous about your dd feeling replaced I know I always felt second best to my fathers real children even though he was actually closer to me because I was the child he raised.

I also forget my fathers Birthday nothing personal I am just not good with days . But then he knows what I am like.

wishingchair · 06/07/2010 13:57

YABU - she is 22/24. Why would she know christening etiquette. As for the son, again what is the big deal re: the blue card?

No it isn't good they never gave christmas gifts but don't think you can write them off as being badly brought up.

Yes they probably are selfish. That is part of being 22/24. They'll grow out of it.

wishingchair · 06/07/2010 13:59

Oh yes and she could be feeling pushed out by your DD. She is her step-dad's REAL daughter. Even as a grown up, that may be hard to take.

pranma · 06/07/2010 14:01

YANBU at all.They are adults and it wouldnt cost much at all to buy a small gift[a silver bangle or locket from Argos say]and a card.I have 2 stepsons and a step daughter.The men are amazing; she will one day find that she has reaped what she has sown......

Original poster

pennyprincess · 06/07/2010 14:04

Well maybe I suppose they may not have known gifts were required at christenings. And if it was just the christening I could accept that - but not a card for his birthdays or for that matter our daughter's birthday(I would not expect one for mine).

He is upset about the lack of fathers day card, but I would not feel comfortable bringing it up with her. I dont think he even notices the other occasions.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 06/07/2010 14:04

I think she is being selfish and maybe it is time someone actually commened on this to her.

By your 20s most people know that cars are customary - and will not break the bank. Does she at least bother to send a messgae or a text?

I don't buy this whole "they are only young" malarky. They are in their 20s. They are adults. They should behave like adults. Being a selfish little madam is not good enough - she is old enough to have outgrown that phase!

ActuallyMyNamesMarina · 06/07/2010 14:05

You can write them off as badly brought up, but as your DH is their "dad" what does that mean for your DD?

Is your DH bothered about the lack of Father's day/birthday cards/gift or is it you? If he's not bothered, YABU. A card is a get out, it means nothing, it's the memories and the day to day stuff that are important

His Grown up daughter offered/agreed to be godparent, that means a heck of a lot more than some generic christening gift "Oh look how marvellous, another silver curl holder, how did we ever manage without"

YAB a bit PFB about the whole christening thing in my opinion......and chill, it doesn't matter if the card is blue or pink, he bought a card probably because he knew it would make you happy.

Original poster

pennyprincess · 06/07/2010 14:10

They both work and have money. They may not have enough to buy expensive presents - but they can afford a card!

Plus they buy their mum and mums new boyfriend presents.

OP posts:

Hulababy · 06/07/2010 14:12

"Plus they buy their mum and mums new boyfriend presents. "

In that case I think she does need talking too. Why is she treating her father unfairly in this way?

Chil1234 · 06/07/2010 14:15

Selfish might be a little strong but I think they're not being very polite or considerate. Early twenties is plenty old enough to know that good manners cost nothing - but some people manage to sail through life never writing a thank you letter etc. They probably won't realise that they've hurt your or your husband's feelings until you tell them.

Original poster

pennyprincess · 06/07/2010 14:17

The blue card did not bother me and he actually offends me lot less as he always gets the fathers day card and is generally less demanding. And some how it seems easier to forgive men not being good with cards and gifts.

Whereas Jane who had a birthday last week rang us to tell us not to get her anything as she wanted us to buy her a bag she had seen. A £140 bag! So we are meeting her next week to go for it.

I didnt mind her wanting the bag - I was glad of the pressure not to have to think of something.

But I want to say to dh after this birthday - I think I card with £20 in the post is adequate.

OP posts:

Original poster

pennyprincess · 06/07/2010 14:22

Their mother is a very selfish person and also really, really took dh for granted when they were together. I think jane is now doing the same - having learnt this behaviour growing up.

OP posts:

ActuallyMyNamesMarina · 06/07/2010 14:24

OP has said her DH hgas never mentioned lack of cards etc - guess he'snot bothered or making a big deal of it. maybe they aren't chintzy/cheesy card people.

YABU, if you expected gifts and cards you should have said so. Did you enjoy the christening, was it a nice family day - if so, that means more than a crappy card and christening gift from some crappy shop.

Either tackle the grown up DD and DS or let it go...........if not, you'll end up having a right old row about this when your resentment has reached its peak.

2old4thislark · 06/07/2010 14:26

YADNBU

She IS a selfish litle madam! As for someone suggesting at 22/24 she wouldn't know christening etiquette - utter rubbish! She buys presents for other people and will happily take very expensive presents from you. I think she understand the whole concept of gift buying!

I think she may have other issues with you, your DH or your DC.

slushy · 06/07/2010 14:27

''he actually offends me lot less as he always gets the fathers day card and is generally less demanding. ''

How nice .

I think this is the real issue here 'But I want to say to dh after this birthday - I think I card with £20 in the post is adequate.' I think you think it is money that should be spent on your familyand are using the no card thing as a excuse well your dp dss sends a card so does his money get dropped. Your dp does not mind the card thing so for all you know he has said to her not to bother.

Original poster

pennyprincess · 06/07/2010 14:32

Other issues?

I did think when there was no card or gift when dd was born that maybe there may hav been a jealousy issue.

But now I do just mostly think she is selfish and takes dh for granted in the same way her mum did.

OP posts:

Original poster

pennyprincess · 06/07/2010 14:37

No - it really is not at all about the money. It is the lack of consideration and bad manners.

Dh IS upset by the lack of father's day card. And he has told me he is embaressed that jane and john never send christmas cards and gifts to his parents who have treated them like grandchildren.

OP posts:

slushy · 06/07/2010 14:39

Okay then (sorry about earlier post) well you say there mother took your dp for granted maybe they were nether taken as children to get cards for him and his family, so she does not realize she should. Just say to her dp would love a card off you for his birthday this year.

OrmRenewed · 06/07/2010 14:40

Well you could just say something.

Original poster

pennyprincess · 06/07/2010 14:43

There is just no way I could comment like that. I know that sounds silly but you have to understand the personality dynamics. If I was to say that she would take offence and I do not want to say/do anything that would jepodise their relationship with me and maybe by proxy dh.

OP posts:

slushy · 06/07/2010 14:44

Ask your (sorry DH) DH to say something then.

TheRedQueen · 06/07/2010 15:06

I think your interpretation that she is thoughtless is correct pennyprincess. Frankly, even if she didn't know that it is customary to buy a child a Christening present (which I very much doubt), then simple good manners should have at least prompted her to send a card to mark the occasion and her thanks for the honour of being appointed Godmother.

That said, I think the issue either needs raising directly or you need to try and let it go (not least to spare yourself the potential hurt of her also not bothering - as I suspect will happen - to mark your DD's birthday with a present or card despite being her Godmother). Could you husband perhaps take it on himself to raise the matter with her, perhaps referring to his parents as an example or even to his feelings about her behaviour towards him?

AnyFucker · 06/07/2010 15:15

She is thoughtless and selfish

Why has no-one tackled her (and him too) about it ? Why doesn't their mother give 'em a talking too

Take-take-take...yup that about sums it up.

I would be seriosuly reconsidering how much gets spent on them now, particularly now they are no longer children

And no, I am not one of those people who gives to receive. But I certainly do recognise when the piss is being taken...

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