To think she is a selfish little madam!

[pennyprincess]

Hi

Really got to get this one off my chest. But it is a bit of a long one.

Background Info:
Dh has 2 step children lets call them John and Jane. He was married to their mother and brought them up from about the age of 3. He and the mother split up when the kids were about 17/19. They are now 22/24.

He is still close to them and has always been a great dad to them. That is not just my opinion, they say this and so does their mother.

So dh and i have been together 3 years and we have a 1 year old together - his only child of his own.

dh has since the split from his ex always remained in contact and we frequently go out with them for meals (which we pay for)and for their birthdays and christmases given them either cash (£100) or a similarly priced present. None of which was begrudged.

But:
When our baby was born they did not send us a card or a gift.
The first christmas we were together we got a small gift from them (Which I susupect was bought by john's then girlfriend) but nothing subsequent years.
On fathers day he usually gets a card of john but nothing from jane.
On his birthday again usually gets a card of john (and even a present last year) but nothing from jane.

Anyway dh has never mentioned the lack o cards etc so I have not brought it up.

Anyway I moved forward to last weekend it was our daughters christening day. We had asked jane and john to be the godparents. (Jane had made it clear she wanted to be asked). Anyway john gave us a card (a blue card!) but from jane their was no card or gift.

I am really shocked and dont really know what to think. Has she just been brought up badly, is she really selfish, I am unreasonable.

I just feel as if this is a take take relationship from her. And while I have made allowances for her age I just dont understand why you would want to be and accept being a godparent for a baby and not even get them a card and a little pressie.

pennyprincess, i am in exactly the same situation as you, (new baby, very selfish stepchildren, sorry adults, they are not children anymore).

it is so very depressing, in a way i am pleased to see that others are going through the same thing.

i even had therapy regarding the situation, result is that therapist says to just pretend they dont exist, tell DH to have all his interactions with them in such a way as it wont affect you. hmmpphhh easy said, but how the heck to pretend that someones (grown up) kids dont exist?

i am totally biased now of course but i would say selfish , very selfish, at that age i was a married homeowning mother of two, and yes, knew very well that cards, gifts and thank yous were expected.

wish there were more support out there for step parents, i started my relationship looking forward to an eventual blending of two families, i knew it wouldnt be easy but WOW! if my kids could adapt to step parents, why couldnt his???

and yes, i really did want to love his kids but i wasnt prepared to bankrupt myself to prove it.

sorry if this turned into a bit of a hijack but i could feel the pent up emotions just itching to get out through my fingertips.

Any fucker that is exactly how I feel - she is taking the piss.

When raised with dh about her thoughtlessness in many ways dh's response is she is 'her mother's daughter'. He also comments about how she will go out of her way to do seek approval mother who has in many ways abandoned them. Well abandoned maybe too strong a word they are adults but moved to the other end of the country and makes them pay market rent rate rent to live in the house dh gave her when they split. She would not dream of not buying gifts etc for her mother.

That said the situation is not unique to dh - I do know she has recently fell out with a good friend of hers as her good friend has recently had a baby and told jane off for not buying her a gift. Jane did not like this so has not spoke to friend since and slags her off saying she must have hormone issues or something!

even before I read this thread I KNEW it would be about a step daughter, or thereabouts

anyway YANBU but deep down have you been waiting for an excuse to have a rant about her?

It is certainly a bit thoughtless, especially if part of continuing pattern of failing to buy cards or presents for your DH on any occasion.

I don't buy the idea that someone in their early twenties shouldn't be expected to know christening etiquette. I'm 23. When I was a godparent last month I was well aware a card and gift were expected of me, and I was glad to provide them. She's certainly old enough to know that it's polite and nice to give cards and presents for birthdays and Father's Day.

People in their early twenties are adults, and should be expected to know how to behave. I get very depressed when people assume that selfish thoughtless behaviour is just the norm in my age group.

No - I have not be waiting for an excuse to rant about her. I like her. She is good company. I am 37 she is 22 so the age gap is not vast so we have many intersts in common. I am a teacher and she is a clssroom assistant (plans to go to uni soon to become a teacher).

I also feel that in many ways she has had a bit of a rough deal with her mother leaving the area so I do try to be nice. I mean we asked them to be godparents to try and make them feel included in own family.

But all that said I do not like this very thoughtless/selfish aspect about her.

Early twenties is plenty old enough to know that being a godparent should involve at least a small gift.

At 17 I was asked to be godmother to my baby cousin. I didn't have much money but got him a paperback bible and a card. Wouldn't have dreamed of turning up empty-handed.

Your SD sounds very thoughtless.

Have you tried talking to them? make sure you pick the moment, something along the lines of 'I was surprised you didn't get your Dad a fathers day card, MY Dad would have given me a hard time if I had forgotten,