Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be ashamed of my house and not let DCs have friends over??

30 replies

MoneysTooTightToMention · 05/07/2010 17:43

I know I am. DS had a meltdown in the school playground as he demanded his friend come for tea tonight and I had to say no .

Until a few months ago we rented a relatively respectable detached house in a very nice area (for 3 years). Extortionate rent though. Landlord decided to sell up so gave us notice and as I had already lost my job we were struggling anyway on just DH's wage. As we were not able to find a similar house in the area for less than £1200 a month(this is outside London btw ), we had to move across town and have ended up in an ex council end of terrace house with no parking in a street littered with rubbish and white vans. This is only £150 a month cheaper than our old property as well and is much, much smaller but we were desperate. I have now got used to it and am not bothered about it as the house is clean, the neighbours are friendlier than our old ones and it is a roof.

We lost everything financially 3 years ago as DH's business collapsed and we had to sell our house and now have no hope of ever owning another one. In a weird way I am grateful it happened, as it has taught me to count my blessings and value my family and health more than material things but I know a lot of people judge on what you have/where you live as I probably once did .

Since we moved here, I have skirted around the issue of the DCs having friends over as the vast majority of their friends live in posh houses in our old area and I am worried their parents will look down on us if they find out where we live now. DS have been invited to tea twice in the last few weeks by friends with mahoosive houses and I have not been able to reciprocate even though I really want to. I have been avoiding the parents .

I have no idea how to resolve this as the only option would be to move the DCs to the school nearby which would mean their friends would live in similar houses to us but that is too extreme as they are so happy at their current school in the 'posh' area.

AIBU?

I feel so bad for my DCs, feel we have let them down and am sort of ashamed we are in this situation although I know I should'nt be as life bit us on the arse and we have done nothing wrong .

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 05/07/2010 17:48

yes YABU.

there is nothing wrong with your house, and you should let your DS have friends over.

AMumInScotland · 05/07/2010 17:48

Honestly there's nothing to be ashamed of in living in a small house in a scruffy area. As long as your house is decently-kept, then no-one should think badly of you for it. Personally, I'd have been a bit worried for my DS to go into a house with boarded windows or a burnt-out car in their front yard, but short of that I never judged his friends on where they lived.

I think you have to get over it, and just let him have friends round.

usualsuspect · 05/07/2010 17:48

yabu ..invite his friends ..people who look down on you are not worth the time of day

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2010 17:48

how old are your dc?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 05/07/2010 17:48

Without sounding too harsh, YABU. Children of that age don't notice the surroundings they are playing in. Children want to play not scrutinise how clean the roads are and how many white vans there are.

emy72 · 05/07/2010 17:49

Please don't do this as this is what my mum did to me and I had a miserable time of it!

We lived in a 1 bed flat the 4 of us and my mum sent us to a nice middle class school in a leafy area. Of course as I child I didn't understand why I wasn't allowed any children over and it became a huge problem for me. My mum wouldn't relent and I felt she left me to have to lie to my friends. It was awful.

I had this all the way through and I know from a child's point of view how awful it feels.

Please invite your DS's friends round and if they don't want to see him anymore because of where you live then they are friends not worth knowing tbh.

tummytickler · 05/07/2010 17:49

You are being ridiculous and snobby, and yabvvvu, why should your son suffer because you are being a snob.
I am in the same positiion as you, and the decent folk couldn't give a damn where we live. We are kind, educated, decent folk, as i am sure you are. that is what matters.
do not put your ds through a change of school for such stupid reasons, and let him have his mates over fgs.

mumeeee · 05/07/2010 17:51

YABU. You say you house is clean, It doesn't matter if it's small and in a scruffy area your DD's friends won't bother about it.

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2010 17:54

you say you had to move across town to this new home. So is it worth keeping up the other school?

So what are your options?
1)Try it. Invite them round, maybe you will notice people disapprove, stop inviting your dc round which is the worst scenario I suppose. If so, you think what to do next. I expect some people might mind, most won't. Probably even most wouldn't mind but if you live far from the school, havingdc round after school might not work out because of the travel involved.

Move your dc to a local school? I would only do this if the current school is disappointing or the local one great. Stick with what you know if it is good IMO

3)Stick with the school and try to find some more local friends.

coffeefestival · 05/07/2010 17:55

YABU. There are some people who would judge in a materialistic way but there are many who would not.

Butterbur · 05/07/2010 18:01

My kids have been to tea in every sort of house from tiny cramped flats to small mansions in massive grounds. They never noticed at all in primary school. By secondary school they might remark "Oh it's a bit cramped at X's, we might go to Y's", but that's it. They don't choose their friends by the size of their houses either.

lal123 · 05/07/2010 18:06

YABU and teaching your children to be ashamed of where they live. Kids don't notice the size of their friend's houses - they just worry about whether they're given enough sweets and crisps

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2010 18:07

why don't you try it once and let's see how it goes? Couldn't you call up the boy he wanted to invite over today and ask if he can come over tomorrow?

You know the school/the dc and the parents, we don't. Maybe you're right and they'll be nasty but unless you try it, you won't know. Maybe it'll be alright.

Look my dd has been to a flat like a rabbit warren, dark tunnel - and she was thrilled. She has been to a tiny cramped little flat - and she was thrilled "posters all over the walls mum!". She has been to all sorts ofplaces and she has genuinely always liked something about everywhere she went. Kids love to go visiting friends. Parents can be snobby and idiotic, I won't deny it but I geuninely think most parents like their dc to have friends and be invited round.

TotalChaos · 05/07/2010 18:07

YABU. Far better to front it out - as anyone who thinks any the worse of you is shallow as a puddle, and it's their loss. Let your children be children and socialise without the burden of your anxieties.

Original poster

MoneysTooTightToMention · 05/07/2010 18:09

I know I am probably over thinking it and should not care (and don't for myself), just don't want other kids taking the mickey out of my kids because of where we live. They are 7, 10 and 14 btw. The 14 yo will not invite anyone over at all although he says he's not embarrassed of the house .

Emy72 - that's so sad. I so don't want to do that which is why I need to be told to get over myself!

I can just imagine that I will be apologising to the parents on pick up, though, for where we live!!

They are settled and happy in their current schools so no question of moving them according to DH even though what we are saving in rent, we are spending (and more) in petrol costs as they used to walk to school .

OP posts:

ComedyOfErrors · 05/07/2010 18:12

I understand op, it isn't easy and I too sometimes find myself comparing what we have (size of house, car etc) to the parents of dcs' school friends.

But you need to put dcs' feelings above your own on this one. I doubt they or their friends take much notice of the relative size of eachothers' houses. Your dcs just want to fit in and cement their friendships. Playing outside of school is so important.

I've never felt judged by the other mums re. what I have / don't have.

I think you will be liked and respected much more by the other mums if you start opening up your house to playdates, and have a better relationship with your dcs, and feel less guilty about depriving them, and less ashamed of what you don't have materially because you'll find it matters less than you think it does.

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2010 18:13

I don't think you're a nsob and I don't think you are over-thinking it either. I knew you were worried about your dc being made fun of from the OP. It's just that a lot of people have always lived the way you live now if not a whole lot worse so being ashamed of your current living situation could be offensive IYSWIM

OK, go with your kids. If they want to invite someone, do it.

I don't know about apologising to the parents. What would it change and it wouldn't feel good, would it? I thinktry not to do that

grapeandlemon · 05/07/2010 18:14

YABVVVU

I feel for your DC I really do, you are instilling all kinds of odd hang-ups on them and they really don't deserve or need it. Please let them have their pals over, who cares if some awful parents judge that's their problem after all....

acebaby · 05/07/2010 18:18

YABU - but from your post, I wonder if you are still struggling to come to terms with the change in your circumstances. It sounds like you have been through a lot in the last few years.

So, be gentle on yourself and have faith your DCs, their friends and their friends' families. I really don't think that most people judge people on their houses. My house is much smaller, shabbier and dirtier than those of DS1 and DS2's friends. No-one has batted an eye - they are far too busy being grateful for having their DC's picked up from school and looked after for a couple of hours . And at least your house isn't dirty

Until you feel a bit more comfortable with the situation, why not take advantage of the good weather to go take the children and their friends out for a picnic tea at a local park?

qk · 05/07/2010 18:21

OP when I clicked on the thread, I thought that you were going to be ashamed of your house because there was clutter up to the ceiling and the kitchen was mouldy etc. Nobody worth knowing will care about what you have described.

queribus · 05/07/2010 18:23

I don't think you're a snob, but please let your DC have friends over. The children won't care one bit what your house is like, and you'll probably find that the parents don't care either.

Your house is clean and your DC are well cared for - what's to be ashamed of? And surely not every child in the school is 'posh' and lives in a massive house?

TBJP · 05/07/2010 18:24

I really feel for you. Kind of been there, but as the child in the situation. Would say, the good people won't care where you live. Those who do, screw them - you're better off without them. That might be a tough lesson for the children to learn, but that's life. And the silver lining, I think, well, depending on how long you are there, is that it might give your children an added incentive to work hard and build security themselves - I certainly have, and though I don't quite live in a mansion, I have a comfortable home that no one can take away from me.

ivykaty44 · 05/07/2010 18:25

As long as you are pleasant to the chidlren - who cares if you live in a cellar basement flat and have one bedromm between all of you. Stop worrying what other people will think - don't makeproblems where there arn't any get them over to play and if you really are worried take the chidlren home rather than them being fetch for a few trips

wahwahwah · 05/07/2010 18:29

I guess you are - and you aren't. I have heard kids telling others 'you can't be my friend, your house isn't big enough' - kids can be horrible and they must be getting it from somewhere... So you don't want your kids getting that type of crap. I do understand that.

Can't you take them to the local park for a picnic and kickaround, museum... for playdates, or a trip to the cinema as a treat once in a while? Its the play that's important, not the venue.

When I was little, we had the big house, largest garden, yada yada, but mum didn't like having other kids over to play. I was ashamed that we had such a big house - so it cuts both ways!

clam · 05/07/2010 18:29

I'll come round! I'm impressed by anyone's house if it's tidier than mine. Not difficult.
Oh, and if you offer wine a cuppa.

Flip

1 2