to find it weird that people who need a seat on bus or tube don*t just ask?

mousymouse · 2010-07-05T08:41:15+00:00

inspired by this thread when I was pregnant or had a broken foot people would not get up on their own accord but when asked nicely I always got a seat. AIBU?

muddleduck · 05/07/2010 09:42

YANBU

rhirhirhirirhi · 05/07/2010 09:50

YANBU. The way I see it is that if you don't bother asking (even if you are visibly pregnant) then you don't get one. Whenever I'm on the tube home I'm usually so exhausted that I'm not paying attention to anybody else around me. If I did notice a pregnant woman then I would offer my seat, but it's the kind of thing that probably just wouldn't occur to a lot of people. It's not exactly hard to ask and you only have a right to whine if people haven;t bothered following your request.

toccatanfudge · 05/07/2010 09:52

I remember reading an article about this a little while back and the general consensus (especially from the men) was "damned if they do and damned if they don't"

ie - ask a women they think is pg if she wants a seat.........risk an earful because the woman "isn't ill" (or even isn't actually pregnant )

don't ask a women if she wants a seat and get treated like a selfish git

anonacfr · 05/07/2010 09:54

To be fair when people are deliberately looking down/away it can sometimes be quite intimidating to ask.

porcamiseria · 05/07/2010 09:55

YABU alot of people are too scared to ask, what if people say NO then you are stood there like a twat, not comfy and embarassed!

chandellina · 05/07/2010 09:55

I am a bit shy and found it intimidating to ask. But I then accepted it was my own fault. It would only bother me if i was standing in the middle aisle and it was REALLY obvious I was massively pregnant and no one offered ...

gagamama · 05/07/2010 10:12

YANBU. Even if the person you ask says no, someone else nearby will almost certainly jump up and offer their seat. People don't generally mind giving up their seats, it's making a judgement about whether a woman is pregnant or not that is intimidating.

coffeefestival · 05/07/2010 10:14

YABU

ImSoNotTelling · 05/07/2010 10:30

YABU as not everyone has the confidence to ask. I suffered from perinatal anxiety with both my pregnancies which meant I thought that the world was against me and people didn't care about anyone and everyone was horrible (a permanent state of miserable paranoia). There is no way I could have asked for a seat as I just lost all of my usual confidence and was pretty rubbish TBH.

It also depends on what line you are on on the tube, some are worse than others. I found that near my home was OK but the jubliee line in the rush hour between london bridge and canary wharf was awful - full of a certain "type" of person who was not a seat giving type person. People were very obvious about it - look at bump, look at face, look back at paper unconcerned.

I used to sit on the floor (I felt faint a lot) and that helped with the faintness but I did used to get very upset that people would rather a heavily pg woman sat on teh floor than let her have a seat. I got kicked a few times as well. When standing also people can't see your bump and will push in really hard as they can see a gap in the heads where your bump is and assume there's a space, and start being quite aggressive about "move along" while pushing as hard as they can. That was quite unpleasant.

I do think that people should offer to give up their seats for those pregnant, disabled, less able to stand etc as per the instructions on the priority seats. The fact that so many people feel that these instructions are nonsense and that beign pregnant doesn't make you less able to stand anyway (from the other thread) and that if people really want a seat they will ask is a sad take on society. A lot of elderly people are quite diffident as well and don't feel comfortable approaching strangers. basically I feel that people who are less able to stand are often more vulnerable than others and should be treated with a modicum of compassion.

Why do we all have to be so boody nard-nosed these days? It's horrible actually.

ImSoNotTelling · 05/07/2010 10:34

I once stood up on the tube for a pregnant woman who was sitting on teh floor. A man took the seat before she had a chance to get up. When I asked him to move he got really pissed off

ImSoNotTelling · 05/07/2010 10:37

I also once pointedly offered my seat to a woman with a "baby on board" badge. I was about 35 weeks at the time and so we had a long "no no I'm fine you sit no no you sit" thing. Everyone sat and watched and not a single bloody other person offered her a seat.

Honestly lots of people are just wankers, unfortunately.

There was also once a letter in the paper from someone's mum about how her pg daughter had passed out on the tube when pg. She woke up in the depot. All of the people in the carriage had just walked over her and got off the train.

Honestly all this "if people need a seat they must ask otherwise stuff em" is just an excuse for selfish behaviour IMO.

diamondsandtiaras · 05/07/2010 10:43

asking is difficult if people are deliberately avoiding your eye IMO. it's one thing if they are genuinely engrossed in their metro, but another if they are just sitting there studiously avoiding your gaze and praying you don't ask.......selfish and bad mannered.

I think it's just another sad sign of the times that pregnant women have to ask these days.

capricorn76 · 05/07/2010 10:49

I have a baby on board badge because I'm a bit scared to ask after hearing about what happened to a friend of a friend who asked a man to give up his seat. He had a massive rant about women wanting it all and demanding equal rights when it suits them but expecting men to give up their seats.

Original poster

mousymouse · 05/07/2010 10:49

thing is, when I was visibly pregnant I was fine to stand on the tube most times.
but the first 4 months my blood pressure was so low that I would faint if I had to stand up more than a few minutes.
my tactic was single out young able looking men behind their newspaper and asking them directly to give up their seat. usually worked.
but then I grew up in germany where people tend to be more direct anyway, which helps

OP posts:

tiredfeet · 05/07/2010 11:05

when I had a knee injury and needed to sit I would always have been prepared to ask if necessary. I am not sure I would find it as easy now I'm pregnant as my confidence has declined a bit and I don't like drawing attention to myself. But if I really needed the seat then I think I would overcome that, and, like others say, I would try and ask someone on a priority seat if necessary.

That said, like others, I probably needed the seat most earlier in my pregnancy when I was suffering from morning sickness and low blood pressure. I could cope with standing now (26 weeks) although it would give me quite a bit of back pain.

It has shocked me though the number of people who have barged past me to get on the train before me now I am quite obviously pregnant. If there were no seats I would make a beeline for them and ask them to move I think

illhaveacoffeeplease · 05/07/2010 11:19

People will always think that you should automatically be given a seat when pregnant, and of course that would be great, i just do not agree that every commuter is deliberatly ignoring pregnant women and therefore forcing them to stand. Also cannot quite comprehend not being able to ask for a seat but then sitting on the floor of a tube train-really i think that is a bit unbeleivable when heavily pregnant, and to point out the bleedin obvious of course you will end up kicked if you sit on the floor, pregnant or not.Not a situation i would put my unborn baby in personally.
And as i said on the other thread i was pregnant, used the tube daily.

CaurnieBred · 05/07/2010 11:38

I always noted where the vacant seats were when I was getting onto a carriage and then would go up and ask one of the people who had got to the empty seat before me. Only ever got given the evils once and that was by a young girl.

ImSoNotTelling · 05/07/2010 11:50

Why do you think that is unbelievable? That's not a very nice thing to say.

I am sure it is more risky to stand and risk passing out than sit on the floor TBH.

I have a feeling that you may not be a very nice person. What a thing to say to someone.

ZZZenAgain · 05/07/2010 11:54

which post are you referring to I'mso?

otchayaniye · 05/07/2010 12:03

I was pregnant and working in Singapore and had a long commute. Although people are generally polite, they become like beasts on public transport.

I had one situation where I got on and everyone (well, 4 out of 6 in the row) sat had been texting or reading, but then suddenly developed narcolepsy and pretended to be asleep.

Another where a family had all their 5 children (ranging 4-ish to 8ish sat in front of me) and stared up and me and pointed at my belly for the whole journey.

Best one was when I was changing lines to a busier line on the underground and waiting to get on and some behind me had been nudging me in the back and then tried to push past me and failing that flung his newspaper through the gap over my head as the person was vacating a seat in order to 'chope' it before I could get to it. Promptly did, picked up paper and then fell asleep. Choping, by the way, is reserving tables in restaurants/food centre with a packet of tissues and is REALLY PASSIVE AND ANNOYING.

The only thing I can say is I was altogether a less rational, more leery person, wanting to avoid public confrontation when I was pregnant, so if I was unsure of the reception I'd not risk any argy bargy.

I also had a sedentary job so didn't mind standing quite so much.

illhaveacoffeeplease · 05/07/2010 12:06

Why do i think its unbeleivable? Because if you are heavily pregnant and are feeling unwell it would be easier and safer to ask for a seat rather than sit on the floor, for your own sake as well as the baby.That was what the comment was about putting yourself at risk of being kicked as people wont be expecting someone to be sat on the floor.
When i was pregnant there was no way i could have got on the floor on my own, let alone get up again.
I commented on your post with my opinion, your personal comment is a little unecessary.
By the way, i would have asked someone on your behalf for their seat if i saw that actually happening.

Rockbird · 05/07/2010 12:08

"but it's the kind of thing that probably just wouldn't occur to a lot of people"

No, sorry I'm not having that. That is nothing more than an excuse for bad manners. Whether you should ask or not is another matter but it's shocking that most people wouldn't offer. I used to get the train to work and was always buried in a book/iPod combo, but I was still aware of enough to offer a seat if someone looked like they needed it. I'd far rather ask the wrong person if they wanted to sit than have someone who really did need it suffer.

ImSoNotTelling · 05/07/2010 12:14

zzzen it was to illhavemorecoffe who said she found my experience unbelievable and that i had put my baby at risk.

illhavemorecoffee did you read this part of my post

"I suffered from perinatal anxiety with both my pregnancies which meant I thought that the world was against me and people didn't care about anyone and everyone was horrible (a permanent state of miserable paranoia). There is no way I could have asked for a seat as I just lost all of my usual confidence and was pretty rubbish TBH."

or is my mental health condition irrelevant as long as you want to say someone behaved "unbelievably" and risked their baby.

illhaveacoffeeplease · 05/07/2010 12:56

Yes i read all of your post, i commented on it and explained what i meant with my reasons, i also stated that had i seen such a situation myself i would have asked someone to give up their seat for that person.
My post does not deserve your comment against me personally.

Letz · 05/07/2010 13:07

No, I wouldn't ask. I am a really shy person and have also been the victim of an unprovoked attack on public transport. I know, a very unlikely thing to happen but people these days are just total nutjobs and I'd rather sit on the floor than risk getting a mouthful of abuse or god forbid a knife in the kidneys.