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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aargh!! now i understand what makes perfectly reasonable women into Bridezillas!

32 replies

nickelbabe · 03/07/2010 16:23

first, i ask for my friends to be in the choir for my wedding, they say yes, that's fine.
then she says that she's going to sit in the congregation to keep an eye on her DCs (they're 13, 12, 8 and 5).

I've told her that she will be in the choir and that the DCs will be fine in the nave of the church with all the other children.

second - my little sister has told my mum that she will set up the buffet in the morning and then go back to her hotel to get her 3 sons ready (11.5, 10 and nearly 5) so that she can "go to the wedding as a family.
(this has been a running problem ever since she got married - it's like her sisters don't exist anymore).
i wanted my mum and sisters to be with me before the wedding to help me get ready and to walk down to the church with me.

third - i asked my big sister (who is a qualified NNEB) to keep an eye on my friend's youngest 2 during the service, as she'll be down the front with her own DD anyway. she's just texted me to tell me that she doesn't want to look after someone else's kids as she's there to enjoy herself.

so, basically, I risk losing one soprano from my choir on my wedding day, and not have my sisters around me before the biggest day of my life because they're all thinking about themselves.

this is how Bridezillas are created!

yes, i know you'll all say IABU, i expect that. I just had my visions - i've not been fussy about anything else - the choir thing is my only Important Thing in the wedding and as usual my sisters are trying to ruin it.

(the issue with my little sister wouldn't even be mentionable if i hadn't got the choir issue - it just happened at the same tiem and added to my stress)

OP posts:
MrsC2010 · 03/07/2010 16:27

Not sure what to say bar...

Or maybe its just the way it's written that you just sound unreasonable IYSWIM.

PeedOffWithNits · 03/07/2010 16:28

YABU, of course your sisters family take priority over you, yes, even on your wedding day

and why SHOULD she act as a free childminder for someone elses kids at what should be a nice day out for her - hire a nanny!

activate · 03/07/2010 16:29

"I've told her that she will be in the choir and that the DCs will be fine in the nave of the church with all the other children."

you've done what? that's not your decision - 4 children of that age can play merry hell when bored - BRIDEZILLA!

"little sister" - that should be fine - ask her if she will - tell her that their dad can but you want your sister in your wedding party

"- i asked my big sister (who is a qualified NNEB) to keep an eye on my friend's youngest 2 during the service, as she'll be down the front with her own DD anyway. she's just texted me to tell me that she doesn't want to look after someone else's kids as she's there to enjoy herself.

you did what? you asked your sister to play nanny - pay a childminder to do it - someone who is not involved in the wedding - BRIDEZILLA!

Original poster
nickelbabe · 03/07/2010 16:33

this is exactly the point i was making!

i'm being a total bitch about it, and i can't help it.

i'm trying to reason by saying that all i want is a bloody decent choir and everyone seems to want to ruin it for me

see, totally unreasonable!!

and the point about my big sister is fair in the fact that she expects me to do her her favours like that, but is unwilling to help me when i need it.
and she wouldn't be "looing after" or "childminding" she would just be keeping an eye out to make sure they didn't kill themselves (or each other). they are very well-behaved children, but i don't want them to feel like they've been abandoned.

OP posts:
Original poster
nickelbabe · 03/07/2010 16:34

oh, ps - the reason the children are going in that nave is so that they won't get bored (all 4 children are very used to being at church services too)

OP posts:
SloanyPony · 03/07/2010 16:35

YABU

maktaitai · 03/07/2010 16:36

If you try and force your wedding to fit into some vision you have, you will probably end up looking back on the day with dissatisfaction.

Please try and turn this around and be happy that all your friends and family are helping out with your wedding, which will be a wonderful day, without stressing about who is going to be standing exactly where. And remember there is a reason why bridesmaids are supposed to be women without families.

Sorry but 'this' that is making you into a Bridezilla is something in your own head.

babysplotface · 03/07/2010 16:37

1 - does your sister know the children well and want to look after friend's children? Oh no, she doesn't, see 3. So no wonder friend will not be in choir. That's why people pay choirs to sing at weddings, it's not that easy to sort out.

2 - your little sis sees her immediate family as her immediate family. She is NBU. You are. You are getting married yourself, leaving your father and mother and cleaving to your husband and all that. If this has been a running issue since her marriage this is because you have not recognised that. Sorry she got married before you but there you go.

3 - it's not that easy NNEB qualified or not to look after other people's kids and they are not her family so why should she.

TBH You need to apologise to all of them.

BTW hope the book shop is going well, I have been a customer.

Original poster
nickelbabe · 03/07/2010 16:41

i promise that i have not been unreasonable to their faces - i have just asked politely to all concerned.

the first part wouldn't have been an issue at all if choir friend hadn't agreed to be in the choir and then conveniently realised 2 months afterwards that she might have to worry about her children.

i know i'm just working it up in my own head - that's why i am perfectly willing accept IABU. and that i've turned into an itsy-bitsy bridezilla.

just a rant really.

thanks !

(and thank you for being a customer babysplotface - i hope this doesn't marr your opinion of me! )

OP posts:
maryz · 03/07/2010 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

edam · 03/07/2010 16:45

I disagree. Your sisters should be fussing around you, calming your nerves and helping you get ready. Are they bridesmaids? You mention them walking down the aisle but don't say that, exactly. If they are bridesmaids/matrons of honour they are being VU indeed. Honestly, they can get their dhs/dps to look after the kids for ONE morning while their sister gets married!

Choir thing I can see is tricky and sympathise with your friend.

(P.S. can you tell that I'm one of three sisters? If my sister was getting married, I'd definitely expect dh to look after ds so I could fuss round her!)

compo · 03/07/2010 16:47

Yes you need to rein it in now
at least you cansee what you're in danger of becoming
in all honesty a soprano or lack of isn't going to interfere in your perfect day, it's about you and dp and vows and stuff not perfect singing

Original poster
nickelbabe · 03/07/2010 16:51

thank edam! (i would be fussing round both my sisters too - actually, i got told off for fussing arounf little sis on her day )

compo - it is about perfect singing! &

can i gavel now?

I AM being unreasonable

thanks for calming me down!

OP posts:
maryz · 03/07/2010 16:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
nickelbabe · 03/07/2010 17:09

ah, Maryz - their fathers will be there at the wedding, but neither of my sisters is able to let go enough to allow their DHs to have sole control of their children (they're both very good at childcare, but my sisters are just as control-freaky as i am! )

OP posts:
judytzuke · 03/07/2010 17:16

FWIW I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Family are meant to rally round and help on a big day, not think about themselves. In our family if there's a wedding we assume we are all to muck in and help in anyway we can. The DHs muck in by looking after DCs whilst whilst sisters accompany bride to hairdressers then help her get reday, calm her nerves etc. Poor OP!

maryz · 03/07/2010 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dollytwat · 03/07/2010 20:02

It seems to be quite usual these days to hire an entertainer for children at weddings. Could you get someone and then tell them their kids are taken care of because you really need them?

I'm sure if you put it in a nice way they might feel guilty

SuziKettles · 03/07/2010 20:12

Well if they're not going to let their dps look after the children (what's that all about then they're not going to let an entertainer/nanny/anyone basically look after them.

Really though, try not to let this become a big deal and stress you out. Can you think about the things that are working the way you want them? You'll have a fabulous wedding, you'll see, and none of this will matter.

Doodleydoo · 03/07/2010 20:20

Can your sisters family get ready with you - I know chaos but we did it this way and it worked out quite well!

Tombliboob · 03/07/2010 20:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

thesecondcoming · 03/07/2010 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupofnamechanging · 03/07/2010 22:23

YANBU. Your friend agreed to be part of your choir. People should stand by their promises. I don't think you are asking too much of your sisters, esp as you have done similar favours for them. If there were no fathers to look after DC, then I would see your sisters pov a bit more, but seeing as they do have dads able to look after them, then your sisters should be with you as this is so imp to you. I also don't consider it a big deal to keep an eye on someone elses DC for an hour during the wedding ceremony, esp as it is a favour to the bride

RiverOfSleep · 03/07/2010 22:33

Can't the singing friend just sing from where she is, does it matter if she sits with the choir?

pluperfect · 03/07/2010 22:42

" Can't the singing friend just sing from where she is, does it matter if she sits with the choir? "

Probably not. For one thing, she will probably be singing a different part, which will lead astray everyone around her (if they are singing). For another, it is difficult to catch your musical cues if you are elsewhere.