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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to expect the house to be tidier than it is?

28 replies

Lizum · 02/07/2010 22:47

DH has been a stay at home day for the last year now. DS is 19 months. I'm a breadwinning mum.

I often wonder, would the house be as much a mess if it was the other way round?

OP posts:
cornsilk5793 · 02/07/2010 22:47

Yes

LadyintheRadiator · 02/07/2010 22:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MavisEnderby · 02/07/2010 22:50

Yes it would.Toddlers and tidy houses don't equate

booyhoo · 02/07/2010 22:50

yep, i agree, switch places for a week.

and remember that even if you do manage to keep it clean for a week, the novelty soon wears off when you have to do it every week, especially if there isn't anyone saying, "i appreciate what you do"

TheCrackFox · 02/07/2010 22:50

Yes. Probably. Unless you are a neat freak and he is a complete slob.

abbierhodes · 02/07/2010 22:51

We've done it both ways, and our house is a tip, no matter how hard we try.

Quattrocento · 02/07/2010 22:51

yanbu

toccatanfudge · 02/07/2010 22:52

agree with the rest - eas(ier) on as a novelty factor for a short period - sustaining it - nah forget it.

glitterkitty · 02/07/2010 22:54

No. Me & DP work part time- and I cannot imagine letting the house get into such a state as he lets it.

I am not a neat freak and he is not a slob but he cannot say 'lets tidy up now!'to ds- just plays cars and football all day!

mitochondria · 02/07/2010 22:56

I disagree, and say not necessarily.

My husband works a four day week. On the day he is home, I return from work to a messy house.

He does do jobs - washing, hoovering etc. - but just doesn't see mess - like toys all over the floor, random socks on the landing, etc.

I am a teacher - in the holidays he goes to work and I stay at home. He returns home from work to a slightly less messy house.

The boys have more fun when Dad's in charge though, he lets them get paint everywhere and scatter plasticine all over the carpet.

toccatanfudge · 02/07/2010 22:57

yes but you get them to tidy up, then 1/2hr it's a tip again, you can spend all day running round tidying up the mess like a neat freak.............or you can play with them (tbh I'd rather they were playing with them than sitting watching TV or neurotically tidying up) and then hope you have enough energy left at the end of the day to tidy it all up ready to start again the next.

TheCrackFox · 02/07/2010 23:06

When DS was 19 months I don't think I really did much housework during the day, it ws pointless as it would be a tip 1 hr later. I would run around like a maniac after he went to be making the place look semi reasonable.

Mummyaa · 02/07/2010 23:14

I'm with you on this one, I have come come and despaired again today. Maybe I just see different things to my other half, but I am sure(and know that I do) that when I am at home I at least manage to put some washing on. Footy and cricket on tv doesn't help either

lecce · 02/07/2010 23:19

I am another f/t teacher whose husband sometimes works f/t during the holidays and I agree with Mitochondria.

Dh is fab at playing with the children, washing, dog walking and cooking but he doesn't clean up as he goes along at all. Imo a big problem is he lets ds3 get all his toys out at once and all the ones with little pieces are scattered throughout the house and cannot be played with until someone has a good sort out. Tbh, I think ds3 should be encouraged to take a bit of responsibility for this now.

Dh also tends to dump everything on the dining table throughout the day so by the time I get home I can't see it!

However, I do come home to happy children and husband (almost) every day and that is what counts. He also lets me take the kids out on a Saturday morning while he does a big clean. That just leaves little bits that he doesn't see for me to do on a Sunday, so it's all good really.

I have a couple of SAHM friends I met at toddler groups and their homes are definetly tidier than mine so from my own experience and most replies on here, it does seem men are a bit less tidy - it's not what really counts though.

lecce · 02/07/2010 23:25

Just wanted to add, I do get a bit frustrated sometimes that he's not a bit more methodical. However, he does loads of activities with the children and they go on loads of outings too and that must be his main priority - they are the reason he is at home after all. If I came home to the house in the state it is and the telly on I would not be impressed.

As it is, I'm so relieved he enjoys being a sahd I'm not going to niggle.

toccatanfudge · 02/07/2010 23:27

I know if I didn't have to do it every sodding day then my house would be much tidier than it is

Chil1234 · 03/07/2010 06:41

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP, unless it's never been agreed what the SAHD role involves. If someone doesn't know their job description they can't be criticised for not hitting the targets. I'd say it's time for a friendly chat about division of labour...

YunoYurbubson · 03/07/2010 07:04

I think YABU.

I am a stay-at-home-mum, not a stay-at-home-cleaner. Dh works in an office. The housework is something we both try and fit in around our main occupation, which in my case is looking after our children. I tend to do a lot more of the housework because I'm often at home and the children sometimes nap. Sometimes it looks like we've been burgled because we've been playing all day, or we've had friends round, or we've just had one of those days.

I'd be pretty pissed off if he started coming home expecting the house to look a certain way. It would feel a bit 1940s - should I freshen my make-up, take off my pinnie, have the children all quiet and prepare a whiskey and soda for him too?

kitsmummy · 03/07/2010 07:10

I'm going to disagree with everyone here! With just one child, it should be possible to keep the house fairly clean and tidy and running smoothly. Yes kids wreck the house and are untidy, but if you keep on top of the house generally, it should only be a bit of surface clutter which is easily tidied away in 10 mins when the kid(s) are in bed.

sunny2010 · 03/07/2010 08:06

Depends on who is the tidiest it doesnt neccessarily go on whether you are male or female but personally I cant leave washing up not done and I hoover every day and clean up. I cant help it and having kids hasnt made a difference. I think it bothers some people more than others. I work 25 hours a week but just hoover and clean before work.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 08:21

"it should only be a bit of surface clutter which is easily tidied away in 10 mins when the kid(s) are in bed."

hehe - I think you hit the nail on the head there kitsmummy - OP is asking if the house she be tidy when she gets home from work (which I understand to be before the child is in bed).

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 03/07/2010 08:21

My DD has SN but is probably at the same level as a 19month old and yesterday DH came home and the house looked like it had been burgled and I was in tears as I am actually a very tidy person but literally couldn't tidy, if i tidied one bit she went and messed another bit (OK she doesn't understand and doesn't listen to "No" so that makes it more difficult).

and people who say other friends have tidier houses..I am SURE they tidy before you come round.

pippylongstockings · 03/07/2010 08:27

It has been proven that men don't see things so much when they are out of place - ie odd socks/shoes/cups. That's why you can never ask a man to look for anything they scan a room but don't see the small stuff.

My DH will walk over shoes or washing on the stairs and not even think about picking them up - never go upstairs empty handed my mum always said!

I work part-time and on my 2 days off I shop for food/hoover/dishes/clean bathroom/change bedsheets/light dusting. But it's the constant clearing that gets me down everything is spread in every single room, there is a load of washing everyday, dishes everyday, cooking everyday, etc. etc. and that is the stuff that DH just doesnt see. Maybe you could draw up a list of what is most important?

sunny2010 · 03/07/2010 08:30

tocattonfudge - yeah but is he doing his job when they are in bed? personally I think the one not working or doing less hours is responsible for the work when they are in bed such as cleaning, ironing, washing up etc.

toccatanfudge · 03/07/2010 08:34

imo - housework isn't just the "job" of the person that's not out earning a salary. You both live there - you both get on with stuff when you're both at home.

Obviously in the case of one being the SAHP they will probably do the bulk - but it would severely p*ss me off if as a SAHP I was expected to do everything for the entire day! Likewise if I were the working one I wouldn't expect to just get home and put my feet up. Teamwork and all that jazz