to be astounded and saddened by the quantity of bullshit some women will swallow to maintain the status quo?

[Alibabaandthe40nappies]

That it's really.

There seem to be another rash of posts on here where it is pretty clear that husband/partner whoever is a lying deceitful arse. That in itself is sad enough, but when women are then choosing to believe the lies, or ignore, or brush it under the carpet it is even sadder.

I probably am BU, after all it's none of my business how people conduct their own relationship. But it is still upsetting.

But it is still upsetting.

For whom ??

It is sad, but it's very hard when you're in something to take the sensible path.

Bree - for them, for any children, and I suppose for me as a bystander watching them setting themselves up for an even bigger fall at some point in the future.

when you have house, joint bank account, children, school, debts its easier to live in denial I suspect

c'est la vie..

I would NEVER post on man issues here as I think the "he's a bastard leave him" answers would upset me even more

I think that for some people (myself included to an extent) are prepared to 'put up with' stuff -just to keep what they have now.

Its a very brave woman who looks at her sleeping children and thinks ENOUGH,Im worth more than that.

Also women in abusive marriages have been slowly ground down by continual abusive behaviour and so its not a huge shock to them - whereas someone living 'the fairytale' might observe and think 'jesus christ if that were me id empty the joint account and go'- many woman have neither the funds or support to just go.

Nobody chooses to become involved in an abusive relationship.

A while back, there was a very useful thread, on Relationships, I think - about what to say to someone who is experiencing abuse, and how to help

I think it is up to the individual if they choose to "sweep things under the carpet".

I am sure there are some women out there who turn a blind eye in return for a roof over their heads, financial support and stability for their children.

I couldn't do it personally, but I think there are a lot of women who could, sadly.

And YANBU to be upset -people post on here, often as the first step to getting help. Sometimes they cannot see the wood for the trees, and have been helped by an objective, sensitive response

I think there is a line between

(a) abuse

(b) living with a cantankerous moody git

I have a lot of (b) it seems! But I would never want to leave him . But I do sometimes wonder if I could be happier elswehere

Lots of women don't actually realise they are with an abuser until it is too late and they are then sort of institutionalized.
The man even though he may not be physically abusive will be dripping poison through the woman for months until she feels like she is going mad and usually ends up thinking it is all her fault.

It also dosen't help when women with children actually seek help and then they are the ones under the scrutiny of SS as though they were the ones doing the abusing.

An abused woman is so unsure of her own mind she doubts everything and her abuser is usually a well liked person in the community and will often tell her that "No one will believe her" "He will get custody" etc etc.

It is very very hard to just walk away especially when their mental health and self confidence has took the beating along with their bodies.

Completely agree with LadyBigBra

Life is a series of compromises. Sad maybe but true. I think that unless you are dealing with a genuinely abusive or unpleasant partner, making those compromises isn't astounding, it's pragmatic. I don't beleive that anyone is ecstatically happy and 100% contented with their lives all the time. It just doesn't go like that. Most people are happy enough, enough of the time, to get by.

And in any case IMO it's madness to depend, for your emotional wellbeing on another single human being.

Meant to say YANBU to be upset but all we can do is offer support and the System for victims of DV needs a complete overhaul.

I have worked with abused women and I can honestly say if I became a victim of DV I would get myself and my dc out but I would not tell the police,my GP or school staff because all too often the woman is penalised for her partners abuse .

the "he's a bastard leave him" comments here often puzzle me. I can see that sometimes they are warranted, but often they are married people advising married people to leave someone who is behaving poorly/below standard.

What I don't understand is, if this is really their attitude why on earth did they get married? What about vows "for better for worse" etc? I'm not advocating women should put up with violence & abuse (get well out of it I'd say), but surely your OH being a tosser/prick from time to time, falls under "the worse" bit of married life.

A fine argument for NOT getting married IMO. If you aren't going to try and keep those vows and make them a central part of your relationship, then don't get married!

Didn't read the OP properly. We're not talking about slightly unpleasant awkward cusses here are we? Ignore my last post then.

but she was talking more about lies and deceit not abuse per se..OP could you clarify or give examples pls?

Oh sorry I thought op was talking about abusive relationships sorry if I misread it .

i agree

Jacobsblackbitch, what a name!

Mumcentre you're right, I wasn't talking about abusive situations really - those are in a whole other category.

I really mean situations where it is clear there is an affair happened/happening/about to happen, lying about money etc etc.

JBB - I know what you mean about marriage vows and there are too many on here who shout 'leave him' far too easily. But in the situations I'm thinking of, when a man has already broken those vows himself then clinging to something that has become meaningless seems bizarre to me.

porcamiseria

It's Jacob Black's Bitch, not Jacob's Black Bitch. I can see how you mistook it though .....

Jacob's Black Bitch Haven't you seen Twilight?

JacobsBB - I'm married and I often tell others to leave their husband. I don't have anything against marraige - I am surrounded by happily married couples including my parents and my partner's parents. I completely believe my vows and take them very seriously. But then, I chose and was chosen, by a good, decent man of integrity who treats me as an equal. I would always advise women to leave men that treat them like shit. Treating someone like shit does not come under the 'better or worse' part of the marraige vows.

By the way, are you a bloke? Your user name is a bit horrid really.

"For worse" doesn't mean "even if your partner is a twat who shows you no respect and treats you like a domestic appendage who cooks, cleans and puts out". It means "Whatever life throws at us, including the worse, we'll stick together and see it through as a team".

My husband and I have been through serious illness, accidents, family losses, career changes and general am-I-running-my-life-correctly angst. That's what the vow means. It doesn't mean that you should put up with your partner treating you like a second-class life form.

Er... even I know that Jacob Black is the werewolf from Twilight, and is V good looking in the film.

I'm with Porcamiseria. There is a line. It's not in the same place for everyone.