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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ban DD from the trip of a lifetime due to her bad behavior?

65 replies

BigMommaOfAlmost4 · 30/06/2010 22:13

DD (13) is due to go to Los Angeles and Las Vegas next month with her grandparents for a family wedding. The rest of us are not going as DC4 will be newborn (or bloody well better be cos I can't cope with these swollen ankles much longer!).

This trip for her is costing us an arm and a leg. The plane ticket was very expensive and I will need to spend at least as much again for her spending money/clothes etc. She will be staying in the the best hotel in Las Vegas and sightseeing in Death Valley etc. She has also just come back from a 5 day European school trip.

Now she is being an absolute COW! She is NOT doing anything serious like getting into trouble with the police, having sex or smoking (so I am wondering I am so bothered about her ) but it is continuous arrogance, disrespect, rudeness, laziness and most importantly, getting into trouble at school. She is on report and has been for the last month, getting detentions and I am getting called up to see the head of year due to her disrupting her classes and being sent out . She has absolutely no respect for the teachers authority. She also makes home life quite unpleasant for us and the DSs as no one can say a word to her about anything. She also lashes out at her brothers. I really don't want a new baby to come into our house with this stress!!

She has been like this since starting secondary school 2 years ago and has been getting worse so it is not something recent and nothing has changed in our lives (except me getting pregnant but she was like this before). At primary school, she was an angel. We have talked to her until we are blue in the face, engaged with the school etc and are now all out of ideas on what to do to change her attitude. She has plenty of attention so I really do not know why she's like this.

After getting another email from her Art teacher (who she seems to enjoy winding up) tonight, I am thinking that banning her from this trip is the only thing to do to make her see we are not going to take this crap from her any longer. AIBU?

OP posts:

BUnderTheBonnet · 30/06/2010 22:36

Or it could tip her over the edge. Just a thought. She will see your action as so completely unreasonable (after all, you've never done anything so mean to her before - in her eyes you would be behaving completely out of character) that she will actually lose all respect for you. I've seen it before with girls at school, whose parents get suddenly strict when they begin to panic about their DDs' behaviour. I think the spending money is a much better plan, because it's positive. Every good day earns £10 or whatever you can afford. There do need to be other sanctions, more easily carried out, like limiting computer time, removing iPod for a few days etc. Be prepared to deal with the tantrums, and at least they'll be on a smaller scale than if you cancel the trip. Also, after cancelling the trip, what have you got left to do if her behaviour doesn't improve? You've already done the worst possible thing you could do.

CarGirl · 30/06/2010 22:39

usually you don't carry out your threats (this is what you said).

I think you need to start carrying them out but it's very easy for me to sit here and state that you should with this trip

Original poster

BigMommaOfAlmost4 · 30/06/2010 22:41

larks35 - believe me talk. She tells me everything (even embarrassing stuff about other girls having sex, drinking etc).

I even bought her a pretty notebook when this started so she could write stuff in it, in case there was something she thought about/saw/was worried about that she did not want to say out loud and she would leave it out for me to read and discuss with her later. Nothing major ever in it.

FGS my relationship with my mother was so bad, I could not even bring myself to tell her I'd started my period!! So I kinda get so angry that I go out of my way to try to understand her and get nothing but crap back.

Friendship groups definitely an issue. She falls out with all of them on a day to day basis!

OP posts:

Buzzybb · 30/06/2010 22:43

Plse do take her to GP, a blood test may give you a lot of ans about what to do but plse remember it is a cause to be dealt with and not an excuse for bad behaviour. Could you ask the school about speaking to a counsellor for anger management she may be open to trying it esp if her temper shocks her.
Tell Dh it is better to deal with it now and start new school term on a better footing and prevent being labelled as a trouble maker and to have a more peaceful household for a new dc.
I know I have not ans your inital question sorry but I don't really know what I would do but as I previously said I would take the easy way out , the others seem to be better able to help with the OP

Original poster

BigMommaOfAlmost4 · 30/06/2010 22:43

'believe me We talk'.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 30/06/2010 22:43

Friendships are so critical at this point.

Is there anything you can do, anyone at school who could help her find and make some positive friendships?

piprabbit · 30/06/2010 22:46

Your DD has an ongoing attitude problem over an extended period of time.
Despite the bad behaviour you agree - without setting any conditions or attaching strings - that she can go an a fantastic trip.
She continues behaving as usual.
Suddenly, at all most the last minute, you start shouting the odds and threatening to withdraw the trip.

Why? What has changed in behaviour that is so terrible that you can reasonably use cancelling her trip as a sanction? IMO you've missed the boat on that one already.

I would leave well alone with the trip. Attach conditions to the spending money and new clothes though - sounds like a good way forward.
Or look at using another event over the summer as an incentive for improved behaviour.

Original poster

BigMommaOfAlmost4 · 30/06/2010 22:50

CarGirl - yup we have met with the 'student counsellor' and discussed it all. He has said all the girls are the same wrt falling out. He said they can see that she's not a 'bad' kid which I suppose is a good thing!

We have encouraged her to attend the after school activities to meet more people but she won't. Have yet to carry out my threat to come into the school at hometime and march her to the dance/music/netball club! All stuff she would enjoy but won't do.

Thanks for all the replies. Will start with GP tomorrow.

OP posts:

PrivetDancer · 30/06/2010 22:50

What about the spending money sanctions that have been suggested? That sounds like a really good idea to me. Stopping her going would make life far more unpleasant for you too and if you've not followed up on threats before it seems a bit harsh to start with this really really big one!
Do the spending money chart thing. I cant see why she'd need as much money as you've spent on a plane ticket again though?! Seems a bit excessive.
And don't buy clothes here for her to take, let her buy new stuff there out of her spending money - must be cheaper there..

Poshwellies · 30/06/2010 22:51

We have lost money with dds behaviour-she's not been to several gigs (big ones) due to her arseyness at home and crap attitude at school.

No change!

Tbh,I don't dig the hormone shit.We all get shitty at 'that' time.

Carry out your threat,you don't allow treats to those who don't respect others (including you,dh,siblings etc).

Original poster

BigMommaOfAlmost4 · 30/06/2010 22:53

piprabbit - yeah I know, I'm a weakling! I think with the impending new DC, I am starting to panic about how we will all cope in the current atmosphere. Would like a calm, happy household and I can't shout as much now because my 37 week baby bump aches if I do .

OP posts:

autodidact · 30/06/2010 22:53

Yes- the spending money sanctions sound like a very good idea to me. Agree with those who say going suddenly from not following through to withdrawing trip of a lifetime is too harsh. Also VERY unfair on the poor grandparents, who are presumably looking forward to taking her?

cat64 · 30/06/2010 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Easywriter · 30/06/2010 22:54

I don't have any experience with teenagers but from what I have seen children seem to respond better to positive coaxing rather than taking things away. I think you run the risk of her resenting you and not being able to forget that you wouldn't let her go. It may be just what you don't need.

I'm sure there are more experienced posters on here who can offer better help.

Original poster

BigMommaOfAlmost4 · 30/06/2010 22:56

Yes, I will draw up a list tomorrow of chores and earnings. That is a very good idea. Have done it before for pocket money but this time I WILL stick to it.

OP posts:

Goblinchild · 30/06/2010 22:59

Oh, and if it doesn't work, my daughter would be delighted to take her place.
Say the word and she's yours for the trip.

piprabbit · 30/06/2010 23:01

Sorry BigMomma, didn't mean to imply that I think you are a weakling - was trying to think like a grumpy 13yo....
Didn't mean to be harsh.

Original poster

BigMommaOfAlmost4 · 30/06/2010 23:01

Spending money includes hotels (grandparents have booked them but we will be splitting the bills for her room which she is sharing with a cousin) food/drink/trips etc for 2 weeks so quite a lot of money.

OP posts:

larks35 · 30/06/2010 23:07

BigMomma, peopld have given some great ideas about sanctions and chores and earning spending money. Don't cancel her trip as someone said earlier, it will probably do her the world of good and at least she'll be away from her "mates". Just make sure she realises what you and your DH do to ensure she has these experiences and when she comes back talk to her again about these dodgy friends.

Latootle · 30/05/2011 17:22

dont cancel time apart will do you both good and you can always crack down once she is home. deducting money very good idea how about the grandparents talking to her, or someone trying to find out what it is that is really making her behave this way there is bound to be something at the bottom of it it isn't as simple as hormonal. good luck (perhaps Gp's can talk to her casually whilst away about her behaviour)

troisgarcons · 30/05/2011 17:25

School isn't always the right vehicle for some children. Been there done that (5 years of hel). TTF Y11 is now over and normality might reign now he's off to college ..... on the other hand .....

lljkk · 30/05/2011 17:26

I'd be sending her to USA just to get her out of my hair for a while. [shameful mother emoticon] Sounds esp. nice result with a young baby in the house.

worraliberty · 30/05/2011 17:26

As soon as I read the OP I just knew someone would say 'hormones'

However, I think this is more likely the cause of the problem...I make lots of threats but she knows I will not carry them out which is why I am determined this time I will!!

She's not going to believe you and actually (from what I've read) I don't believe you either

manicbmc · 30/05/2011 17:27

Is it just me being stupid or was this first posted almost a year ago?

worraliberty · 30/05/2011 17:28

Oh ffs look at the fucking date on the pissing OP

Why can't MNHQ delete them to stop numpties bumping them up and twats like me not noticing before replying?

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