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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my H being a complete bloody idiot?

34 replies

Numberfour · 30/06/2010 19:29

I am self employed (childminding). If I take the second last week of August off for leave, I stand to lose a possible £750 income for that week. I am Very Busy over the holiday season.

I proposed we take the following week off, which would include the Bank Holiday Monday (when I never work anyway) and two inset days at the beginning of September. We could come home from our camping trip 2 days before school starts.

(D)H says that I am being selfish and that it is all about me and that he does not want a holiday in September. I explained that it would only be 3 days of that month.

The heated debate reached roof lifting levels. He reckons it is all about me me me and I reckon that if we take off the week I suggest, we lose less money as a family and could have a better holiday.

We are in huge goddam financial shit and every penny counts.

So, am I being a bitch or is he being a fuckwit?

He wants leave when HE wants it, regardless of the consequential financial loss.

OP posts:
notnowbernard · 30/06/2010 19:30

He's being a fuckwit

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/06/2010 19:30

What did he say when you pointed out the loss of £750?

TheCrackFox · 30/06/2010 19:32

He is a prat. I would rather go in September as it isn't so busy.

diamondsandtiaras · 30/06/2010 19:34

another vote for fuckwit.

bearcrumble · 30/06/2010 19:36

If you need the money then he's being a dick.

Original poster
Numberfour · 30/06/2010 19:36

Hecate: he said that it is all about "me" and what about the week I took off in June (which HE suggested because I have been the breadwinner for 2 years and he now has a good job). So I reminded him that HE suggested I take time off while he is at work and DS at school so I could have time alone to do what I wanted to do(and I what I wanted to do was potter around our house, and I did that).

He has now said to me that the reason why he wanted HIS week is because it has the BH tagged on at the beginning of the following week (fuck: this is so ridiculous!)

I have now suggested that we take Friday before Bank Hol off, too, which in effect would give us a bit longer.

BUT he said that he did not want to be away from work too long (new job etc) and that he could only take a week.

Notnowbernard: i thought as much.

OP posts:
imagirly · 30/06/2010 19:37

Numberfour

He is being very immature. You however are being responsible.

Original poster
Numberfour · 30/06/2010 19:37

I like the "not so busy" aspect re Sept.

He can be wonderful sometimes. Other times a complete bloody twit.

OP posts:
BusyMissIzzy · 30/06/2010 19:37

So your reasoning is that you'll lose less income. His reasoning is that... he doesn't want to go on holiday in September?

I think he's being an idiot.

wastingaway · 30/06/2010 19:39

Why doesn't he want to go on holiday in September?
The weather's usually better in September these days.

Original poster
Numberfour · 30/06/2010 19:39

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BusyMissIzzy. That is why my bloody throat is raw from shouting at him.

(oh, and the bit about the MOnday BH as an after thought)

fuck

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/06/2010 19:47

Who suffers if you lose this money? Do you put all your money into the family pot or do you have separate finances to some degree then? If the latter, suggest that if the £750 you stand to lose doesn't matter to him, then he forks it over to you and you can go away the week he wants.

How is worrying about the family finances all about you?

Ok. now. calm down, stop shouting at each other . This isn't about win or lose.

If you calmly say "sweatheart, I understand why you want this week, but I am worried about the money we stand to lose. We have . It's not about me, it's about us as a family and our family's finances." do you think he'd open his ears and actually listen to what you're saying?

Original poster
Numberfour · 30/06/2010 19:57

Hecate: family pot. One purse. And yes, I wonder how it is all about me, too.

We are sort of talking now only because I know he is being ridiculous and will eventually see sense.

He has said that he will no longer be going, and my reply was that DS and I will then go away "my" week.

Poor DS is hearing everything, but I have explained that we love each other, but sometimes argue!!!

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/06/2010 20:12

Glad you are talking, sort of.

And I'd like to point out I meant sweetheart, not sweatheart.

When Himself digs his heels in about something stupid, I beat him by pretending to agree with him while telling him I'm frightened about x, y, z and asking him to help me by telling me how we can work it out.

So it'd be, "Look, honey, I'm not being difficult, we're on the same team here, I'm not trying to work against you! I'd love to go away that week, it'd be just as nice as going the other week, a lot busier, but that's not a problem, but I'm worried about our money. and I know we're both worried about them / it. It just upsets me to think that I could be bringing in £750 for us that we really really need. you know?" and give him big eyes.

If you can say all that while snuggled into him, so much the better.

I fully expect to get a load of posts criticising me, but it works. I win. So there.

rockinhippy · 30/06/2010 20:23

IMHO, it looks like the whole, Men are from Mars, Women Venus thing to a tee

he IS behaving like a Dickhead,.......BUT........I'm wondering if after YOU been the breadwinner for so long, & him now earning a good wage, that his hidden "caveman" is feeling a bit bruised...ie his ego, in that despite him now earning, you as a family NEED your income enough for him to have to play by YOUR rules (as he could see it, not how it is....its daft, but thats Men for you .........

I'm wondering if playing to his fragile Male ego & using the September been quieter, & usually better Weather these days, Indian Summer promised etc, so you can all enjoy a better time together, rather than the financial angle, which could be reminding him he's still not earning enough (in his daft Male eyes )....especially if you calmly ask him if he knows the long term weather, does he think your DS would enjoy the Holiday better if its not too over crowded etc........then leave him to go off to his Cave & chew it over.........probably by tomorrow he'll by more than happy to back down & go along with you

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/06/2010 20:26

Actually, rockin, that's a bloody good point. If he is feeling like he's failing in some way because the OP brings in much needed money then going on about how much she's worried about the money and how important her contribution is might just make him feel worse.

Men are complicated creatures, aren't they?

booyhoo · 30/06/2010 20:28

sounds like he just wants to get things his way for the sake of it and to hell with what that means for the finances.

he is being a fuckwit. i totally see why you want the week you do but i cant see any reason why he doesn't want to holiday in september otehr than he is trying to exert some authority for the hell of it.

rockinhippy · 30/06/2010 20:28

LOL, Hectate....complicated, yet simple all rolled into 1

Danthe4th · 30/06/2010 20:53

Are the children already booked in for that week as I would just say that you can't let the parents down.

fyimate · 30/06/2010 21:03

I would never go on holiday without my DP but then he would never be this U.
Then again you dont want to dissapoint your DS.
Maybe you can still try pursuade your H to come along. The fact that he doesnt want to go just because it will fall into September is VU.
I like rockinhippy's idea.

fustyarse · 30/06/2010 21:11

he is BU

but am I the only person to think that if you are in a bad state financially, you shouldn't be going anywhere on holiday?

fyimate · 30/06/2010 21:24

Fustyarse - I would say it depends.
Some people, although they cant really offord much really need a holiday. I think it's important for the children too. They have so much fun.
It all depends on what the person can stretch too. If you went on holiday last year and going this year means DS or DD wont get many needed clothes or food then no, holidays shouldnt be an option.

Original poster
Numberfour · 30/06/2010 21:42

fusty, i take your point, but things are not that drastic, and i do believe that a week in a tent not too far from us would be far better for our souls than staying home for a week to save £250 or so. (estimate)

one thing i have realised is that the nett loss would not be £750. it would be what I could earn in week one as opposed to what i could earn in week 2.
sorry for no caps. too hard to explain how i am standing typing.

all replies VERY much appreciated. thanks

OP posts:
fustyarse · 30/06/2010 21:50

i wasn't meaning to be offensive, hope you didn't take it that way

and i totally understand that holidays are important for everyone - but they're not essential (imo)

we have he occasional long weekend away with the dcs and it costs more than that!

don't get me wrong - £250 for a week's camping is bargainous! and you do need to talk your dh round to your viewpoint - if you go on holiday when he wants and potentially lose your earnings you'll come out with less than if you went when YOU want to go...does that make any sense?

Original poster
Numberfour · 30/06/2010 22:05

I was not offended at all, Fustyarse! Absolutely not. I reckon I was being overly cautious with my estimate of £250, but nevertheless, a week's camping would not cripple us.

He has had a shower and gone to bed without saying good night. He is such hard work sometimes.

I am going to have another (affordable) glass of wine.

OP posts:
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