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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a spare £100 should be spent on you kids

26 replies

CrossCrossityPatch · 30/06/2010 14:07

rather than a big night out of the piss.

Bit of Background. Is my ex I am talking about. He "won" some money this week and went out with it on a big night out.

Arrived this morning to see dc and then asked me to lend him some cash so he could do something special with them. I said "NO!" as I knew he had had this money, turned out he spent it within 24 hours of winning it. He then told me that he wouldn't allow me to turn this into a big drama and make this situation All About ME! etc etc etc.

AIBU to think that if he wanted to give his kids a treat he probably should have kept hold of some of this money to do so instead of asking me? I am a single parent for crying out loud and yes he does pay child support but why the hell should I be lending him money, every month he comes to me when he runs short before pay day.

I am absolutely raging, I can't even be coherant when he tries to explain to me that I am the one who is being unreasonable. Help me come up with some calm, measured response to let him know what a prick he is. He always turns it around and trys to make out I am being selfish or dramatic.

OP posts:
Original poster
CrossCrossityPatch · 30/06/2010 14:08

Loads of spelling and grammatical errors in there, sorry, am literally shaking with fury!

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 30/06/2010 14:08

Sounds like a cock

elkiedee · 30/06/2010 14:11

No, YANBU in the least.

toccatanfudge · 30/06/2010 14:13

YANBU - when I first read the thread title I thought - hmm well actually I may well splash most of it on myself.

Then I see he's splashed it on himself and now has to borrow money to do something with this DC.........not on.

Needanewname · 30/06/2010 14:15

Whe I first saw the thread title I thought you were being a bit unreasonable, however after reading the thread you are so not - what an idiot, he wants to do something nice with the children, he should pay for it end of. He had money but he pissed it away therefore he'll have to something nice but cheap - feeding ducks in the park (if they're younger) bike ride in the park followed by picnic - these things don't cost money but kids love em.

Remember he is BU not you and don;t let him turn it around, next time he has a go for you saying your making it all about you suggest that he is doing that himself. Oh get something nice in for the kids for when they get home!

WitchyWooWoo · 30/06/2010 14:16

i dont understand this borrowing money from you in order to give his kids a treat. pretty scummy tbh. ya soo nbu!

he's a prick.

Callisto · 30/06/2010 14:19

He sounds like a complete nob. A juvenile, irresponsible nob. Not a very measured phrase for you though. How about saying: 'Nob, you have spent windfall money on yourself with no thought for your children's happiness and welfare. You now expect me to pay for you to take your children out for some fun. Perhaps instead of pissing it all up the wall you could have saved say, 20% for your children to do something nice with them? Or are they not worth a pathetic £20 in your eyes?' However, I think that as a total nob he will continue to deny his wrongdoing ad nauseum.

Also tell him that maintenance is exactly that - to maintain his children, not to give to him so he can piss it up the wall some more.

BouncingTurtle · 30/06/2010 14:23

God, no YADNBU, it's not your problem if he is crap with money!
What a selfish twat. Just keep reminding yourself that is why he is your EX!

ifiwereamillionaire · 30/06/2010 14:23

YANBU he is a grown man with his own income and should keep money aside to take the kids out when he sees them. He should not rely on you to pay for him like he is a bloody babysitter.

His child maintenance is to buy the kids food and pay towards a roof over their head, not a gift to you or for you to hold like a bank until he runs short. The man is dilusional (sp) and sounds like a bit of a loon.

Don't feel bad, you need your money to ensure your kid are cared for so just say no next time too.

cheeky sod!

Original poster
CrossCrossityPatch · 30/06/2010 15:30

He has just told me I should be happy to lend him money seeing as everything I have, he gave to me. Home, living with my dc, everything in the home. Apparently I didn't get off my arse for all the years we were married and I was a SAHM so I should be happy to lend him money because of this. Apparently I am the most unfeminine person he has ever met because I left him and didn't want to be in a marriage.

I just feel so miserable and drained by this. He gets paid the first week of the month and by the second he is usually asking me to lend him money.

I actually feel sick with misery.

OP posts:
thumbwitch · 30/06/2010 15:35

he is a nob and I can see why you left him. Tell him that he should grow up and learn to manage his money like a responsible adult.
You did NOT do nothing while you were a SAHM - you looked after your DC, you kept the home etc etc. Ask him to work out how much that would have cost him if he'd had to pay for it.

Then tell him to stick his requests for money up his arse - you're not subsidising his selfish single lifestyle.

Or something like that.

thumbwitch · 30/06/2010 15:35

Sorry - YADNBU.

IsItMeOr · 30/06/2010 18:04

YANBU, and it sounds like you still have this pathetic excuse for a man in your life far more than is good for you, given how you're feeling. I can appreciate that you want to make things "right" for the dc. But it sounds as if this situation is making you miserable.

I'm not very experienced in this, but I'm wondering if any other MNers might have some suggestions for how you can get less involved in his day to day life, while still supporting the dc in having a relationship with him?

trixie123 · 30/06/2010 18:30

sounds like a perfect opportunity to use that lovely mumsnet phrase "cuntychops"! What a twat. I'd give him the link to this thread!

LimaCharlie · 30/06/2010 18:34

Don't let him make you feel down - he is an arse

HecateQueenOfWitches · 30/06/2010 20:33

Stop lending him money.

Callisto · 30/06/2010 20:42

Crosscrossity - he really is a grade a wanker. Unfeminine? He is obviously feeling emasculated because you don't need him anymore and he is struggling to cope without you. Be strong (and cross if it helps) and don't give him anymore of your (yes, YOUR) money.

Original poster
CrossCrossityPatch · 01/07/2010 08:49

He actually makes veiled threats to withhold child support if I don't lend him money when he needs it and also not to pay back what I have previously lent him. So say by the third week of the month and I am going to be really poor if I lend cash to him, I still have to as I will be even worse off if he does not pay the child support and what has already been loaned iyswim.

Each and every month I say I won't lend him anything and he swears he won't ask and there he is again and he really does have a way of making life so f*cking unpleasant if he doesn't get his way.

I know I am pathetic but honestly you don't know what he is like. So manipulative and selfish.

OP posts:
tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/07/2010 08:59

Well he's clearly not going to pay back the money he owes you, is he, since he's already told you that he believes it to be rightfully his for all those years of supporting the family. So you can dismiss that argument out of hand. All the money you've given him so far is gone, you won't see it again.

As for child support, do you have an official arrangement? If not, I think you need to get the CSA involved so that they can chase him for the money if he withholds it. At the moment, if he's paying child support and then you're giving it back to him a week later, you're not getting anything anyway.

And STOP engaging with him. You shouldn't be lending giving him money, you shouldn't be listening to him tell you how unfeminine you are, you do not have to engage any more. If you need to get a third party involved to do the child arrangement conversations, do. Otherwise, you need to practise disengaging.

And I mean that literally; get a friend or relative to roleplay the conversations with you, pretending to be your ex, and practise disengaging, focusing the conversation on practical arrangements ("I understand that's your opinion. Do you want the children at 8 as usual?"), hanging up the phone.

Original poster
CrossCrossityPatch · 01/07/2010 09:17

Thanks tortoise, you are so very right.

The thing is he does pay the money back each month when he gets paid so this is another part of his argument "you always get it back ffs!, you are so petty!!" blah, blah, blah.

I just DON'T want to be lending it to him, maybe I am petty but he treated me very badly when we were together and I don't want to be doing him any favours. It makes me feel trapped, like I cannot escape him. Even though we are not living together I am still supporting his shit lifestyle and enabling it iyswim?

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jendaisy · 01/07/2010 09:47

My ex would never have the balls to actually ask to borrow money from me...but since we split 5 years ago life has been bloody hard for me, not so bad now but there were times when I couldn't afford to eat and had to steal nappies from baby changing rooms, while he was going off on month long holidays to far flung places!

Then a couple of years ago he sold a house he had and had a big wedge of money, thought maybe he would chuck some dd's way but no, he spent it all on himself. A few months ago I asked him to contribute towards a reading programme for dd as she was really struggling with it at school, it was £400. He said he couldn't afford to pay anything and I ended up paying for the lot. Then I saw on his ebay feedback that just a few weeks later he bought a motorbike on ebay! When he already had several vehicles so it really wasn't a necessity.

Does my head in but he will never change and all I can do is carry on in the knowledge that kids aren't daft and as dd gets older she will know how little her dad has done for her compared to what I do.

Original poster
CrossCrossityPatch · 01/07/2010 09:58

Thanks jendaisy.

He is gets quite large bonuses from work as well and I know he will do stuff for kids but it will be stuff he feels like doing iyswim rather than stuff that would really benefit them and then he will blow the rest on shite. He did this when we were together, one of the reasons we broke up really, whenever he got any money he would buy and few bits and bobs for us then blow the rest on himself and be skint and once again borrowing money. I just don't see why I should have to lend him money because he is so stupid with his own.

Unfortunately he does not agree and thinks I am just tight and then this his excuse to be even more of a twat with money when he does get some. As in "well you gave me such a hard time about lending me that money that I am not going to do anything for you!" He always forgets the times I did help him out, only remembers the time I didn't but then I think a lot of life is like that, no-one remembers what you do for them, they only remember what you don't do.

OP posts:
Sn0wflake · 01/07/2010 10:37

THROW him out of the house. What is the point of talking to him?

Sn0wflake · 01/07/2010 10:41

I would pretty much cut communication and do it through an intermediate party. He's really toxic. Just do it.

duchesse · 01/07/2010 10:52

YANBU. He is a tosser. There's a reason he is ex.

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