Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

my neighbour (again)

29 replies

IHeartKittensAndWine · 30/06/2010 13:35

Some of you may remember this thread about my upstairs neighbour asking if her children could use my garden over the summer. Well, it's getting a little wierd and I'm looking for a bit of perspective. This might be a bit long - sorry.

Because the weather's been good, DH and I have had friends over for salads/BBQs in the garden a couple of times(and yes I have picked up all dirty knickers etc off the bedroom floor first ). We try to be considerate, so keep bbq/cigerette smoke at the far end from windows and bring people in by about tennish. The first time we did this, upstairs neighbour stuck her head out of the window to say hello and started a lengthy and fairly random conversation. We found this wierd as she's never met our guests, never spoken to DH and this is London not anywhere rural so that kind of familiarity doesn't really happen. But not exactly remarkable.

We had guests over again on Saturday night. As ww were eating, she opened the window and shouted out "I'm coming to your front door". Puzzled, I went in to speak to to her and she started having a go and us having people smoke in the garden. Because "it's the bad example you're setting for my children".

On Monday, one of the neighbourhood police team give me a call to discuss another ongoing issue (can't describe here as will probably out me in RL). In the course of the call he mentioned that they received a complaint about cannabis smoking in my garden on the Saturday night. Obviously he won't say who made it. Now, a couple of our friends do smoke a bit of weed, and also roll their own, so may have had a "spicy" roll up or two IYSWIM, but I didn't notice anything as not exactly a huge circle of people passing them around and I was running around alot. Which makes me think either she spent the whole evening watching us like a hawk, or the complaint was just malicious. The policeman was very lovely, and said they won't persue a complaint left a day later about something which may or may not have happened on private property.

Then this lunchtime said neighbour knocks on my door and asks if I'd have her DCs over after school for "an hour or two to play in the garden" so that she can run some errands. I explain not as I have a conference call from 230-430 and work which will need to be completed urgently after that, so can't supervise (and the place is a tip). She then looks very put out and mutters something I don't ask her to repeat.

This is really starting to bother me, not least because we had issues in our last place with an abusive neighbour. DH just thinks that I'm being pedantic and paranoid, but then a) he is in the world, but most definately not of it and b) he's never in the flat, certainly not during the day. My mum says that she's trying to be friends, but is socially awkard, and that if I'm around a lot in daytime (I often work from home) she might have me down as a SAHM and not get why I'm rebuffing her.

Just looking for thoughts, really

OP posts:
SagacityNell · 30/06/2010 13:38

She just has garden envy. Stick to your guns.

Lauriefairycake · 30/06/2010 13:40

I don't think it's 'malicious' that she reported you for smoking weed in the garden as it was the truth .

If I had young children then I wouldn't want them to be smelling the neighbours drugs.

You were quite right to not mind her children - she's a socially awkward and annoying idiot for asking. Just keep saying No and that you work from home.

PeedOffWithNits · 30/06/2010 13:41

OMG she is vile - i would be seriously considering moving. On no account start letting her use your garden, there will be NO END to it

blackflyinyourchardonnay · 30/06/2010 13:47

It sounds to me like she's 'trying too hard'

The hello out the window when you were having your bbq was her angling for an invite imo.

Does sound like she wants to be friendly- but that doesn't make it ok.

Stick to your guns!

cheesesarnie · 30/06/2010 13:47

just say no.we used to have a neighbour who-wlthough they also had big lovely garden,had an only child.i have 3 and the neighbour decided i was being mean by having swings and a playhouse for my dc and not inviting her child in(she actually said that it was unfair that her dc had no one to play with and had to look over 6 foot fence at my dc!).i did a few times but tbh she was a nightmare!
it got to the point where it was easier not to make excuses to be polite and just say no.(but i am horrible).cue her calling me a bad parent etc.nice.

oiteach · 30/06/2010 13:48

YANBU, she sounds odd.

Definite garden envy.

And actually, I do think it is malicious to make a complaint about a couple of joints if you are confident enough to stick your head out of a window to gatecrash your neighbours bbq and to ask them to mind your children and then get the hump about it.

If she is comfortable enough to try to take advantage then I would have thought she was comfortable enought to mention if she thought there was weed being passed around and wanted it to stop.

GypsyMoth · 30/06/2010 13:51

what does she expect her dc to play with in your garden anyway?? (iirc you dont have dc?)

johndehaura · 30/06/2010 13:54

This is a tricky one. I can't say I'm amazingly fond of people just introducing themselves - mainly because I wouldn't do such a thing myself. Though that may sound a bit unsociable, and not very 'happy-clappy' of me.

Neighbours can be difficult if not odd. I'm sure she means well, but you do actually have to be quite firm with these kinds of people. She sounds like a control freak, someone who like to order people around and keep them within their 'organised spectrum'. She isn't a teacher, is she? I work with a number of teachers and I can find they like to be in control - the leader - which I don't really dig.

To be honest, the fact that we are all crammed together in cities and towns is quite unnatural for us all. People need space, and it is so difficult in these closed-in and tight-proximity communities where we all tend to live. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to have some land and space - like some of those who live in areas such as deepest darkest Surrey.

I presume your neighbour is probably making her grounds; her foundations; making sure everything is safe within her comfort zone - or something like that.

You don't have to jump through hoops for anyone, if you don't want to participate with her socially, then don't - or don't even pretend to. Stand your ground and be firm. Not all of us want to go in being happy-clappy with our neighbours.

Perhaps politely confront her over the police issue and ask why she did such a thing. After all, it could have been someone else who got in touch with the police - another neighbour.

catbus · 30/06/2010 13:57

YANBU; just read your other thread and sounds a bit creepy to me.
Re; weed smoking in your garden; ffs..tut a de tut. She was probably wanting a toot..

Try to stick to your guns and be firm. I don't envy you; she obviously envies your garden though!

JenniPenni · 30/06/2010 13:59

Gosh she sounds a tad mad! I wouldn't invite her over my threshold AT ALL from what you've said(and I am a friendly person!!!).

She seems to be one who will ask for something now and then will ask for loads more... and you do NOT want to get involved with her childcare... firstly it has nothing to do with you and should NOT feel obligated, plus, if something happened to them whilst in your care, you can bet your bottom dollar who would be blamed.

If she needs a babysitter she needs to pay for one, ask a friend or a family member. You are not a friend or a family member, you just happen to live downstairs.

IHeartKittensAndWine · 30/06/2010 14:00

Oiteach - exactly what I was getting at about malicious - if anyone was smoking it was fairly discreet not crackden under the nursery stuff.

No we don't have dc yet . I have no idea what she expects her DC to play with in my garden. Unless she thinks that admiring honeysuckle and picking up fag ends is wholesome play.

Before this, I had planned to invite her DCs down for the afternoon when I next mind my sister's. Not hugely inclined to now.

OP posts:
SagacityNell · 30/06/2010 14:05

You have no obligation to her. She bought (or rented) a flat with no garden so .....

oiteach · 30/06/2010 14:06

I wouldn't. She would take that as an application to adopt them!

IfancyKevinELevin · 30/06/2010 14:12

So she is so unhappy that she has potential recreational drug users living underneath her that she calls the police...(think of the children. my god, what about the CHILDREN!)

..but she is quite happy for potential recreational drug users to look after/be around her children in the garden?

Cuckooo Cuckooo!

Vallhala · 30/06/2010 14:21

I think it'll be the thin end of the wedge if you do make your garden available to the neighbour's child.

The more I read of MNers being put into uncomfortable positions by imposing friends/family/neighbours, the more I can understand and am willing to use a straightforward "NO!". Sometimes I believe you just have to and this is such a time. The neighbour sounds like a potential nightmare, petulant and spiteful when she doesn't get what she wants.

You could always say, "I'm sorry, your DD can't come into my garden to play. We're having a few friends round for a drink and a smoke soon.".

IfancyKevinELevin · 30/06/2010 14:22

...or answer the door without clothes on..."Saturday is our nude day...."

porcamiseria · 30/06/2010 14:23

avoid her she sounds like a fucking nutter (have not even read old thread)

if she is going to grass on you, well she had burnt her bridges IMO

avoid her, and try and not get involved

dont let people smoke reefers again though as she will likely grass again, ammunition

TRIM

IHeartKittensAndWine · 30/06/2010 14:29

I don't know if she's a teacher Jenni, she does have quite an authoritative manner, but she's around at least as much or more than I am.

at the idea of application to adopt. They might be very nice kids. But I'm not planning to find out!

She owns the upstairs flat - I know this because she told me the first time I spoke to her. She also told me that is twice the size and the kitchen is twice as big. Neither of which I doubt given that a)its on two floors so obviously its twice the size and b) my mother's fridge is bigger than my kitchen. But that was her choice. Mine is half the space and a garden. Which I am tempted to point out to her.

BUT I do worry that she is just trying to be friends...

OP posts:
IHeartKittensAndWine · 30/06/2010 14:33

porcamiseria, what does TRIM stand for? Or is it a reminder about what I should do before taking KevinElevin's advice ?

OP posts:
DeFluffy · 30/06/2010 14:58

why would she want you to look after her dc if you're not friends? thats weird

porcamiseria · 30/06/2010 15:02

its just means to get rid! honestly anyone that grasses some puffing in your garden needs to be got rid of!!!!

lucky1979 · 30/06/2010 15:28

Even if she is just trying to be friends, it sounds like she thinks her friends double as unpaid childcare.

Just keep saying no.

tiredfeet · 30/06/2010 15:46

Totally agree that you can keep saying no re using the garden. Its not fair of her to persist in asking and you have no obligation to say yes

But it is really unpleasant to have people smoking outside your flat, especially in the summer when the windows need to be open. I know several friends who are really bothered by people in the flat downstairs smoking outside, as it makes their (upstairs) flats smell of cigarette smoke too. Worse if its weed and she has children in the flat. So I think it was fair enough for her to object to that (although better if she had had a quiet word with you rather than going straight to the police maybe)

LisaD1 · 30/06/2010 15:52

She is a nutjob and I would AVOID, AVOID, AVOID!

And if you are unlucky enough for the loon to catch up with you just say "no" followed by "is that all you wanted" and "I'm busy right now- Bye"

The woman sounds unhinged!

IHeartKittensAndWine · 30/06/2010 16:02

to be fair, she did complain about the smoking to me (but only fags - and at that point in the evening I know noone had been doing anything else) but not in terms of smell - the smokers and the BBQ were at the far end of the garden and her windows were shut - but as a "bad example for her children". Which to me is a bit unless children were being forced to look out of said shut windows by a demon going "look at the naughty grown ups doing cool and naughty things".

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread