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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to say no to ex request to look after DD for 8nights before Christmas? She is only 2.

44 replies

TotallyHappy · 30/06/2010 10:56

Ex sees DD 2 nights mid week and every other weekend & currently trying to change access from 6nights out of 14 to 7 nights each (split 5, 5 then 2, 2) I'm saying no as I think 5 nights us far too long for her to be without me.

Ex is going away 26th-3rd jan and has asked to look after her week before Christmas (17th to 25th) AIBU to say no because I think it's too long?

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 30/06/2010 11:00

yabu

he's her dad....its about her and not you,he copes well enough now at this level of contact. is he going through court? because you'll have a hard time convincing a judge of this if you are.....50/50 residency is quite normal these days.

nzshar · 30/06/2010 11:01

Too long? What to be with her father? IMHO this is about you not her.

nzshar · 30/06/2010 11:02

so that would be YABU btw

CMOTdibbler · 30/06/2010 11:02

Much as I sympathise, if he can look after her with no cause for concern, then YABU. At 2, with a father she sees regularly and overnight, she'll be fine

Sn0wflake · 30/06/2010 11:03

Does your daughter enjoy her visits? Is he a good dad? If he is I would grant the access if it's what she wanted.

If she was missing me and seemed upset then I would hold out till she was a little older. Whatever is best for her.

RunawayWife · 30/06/2010 11:03

YABU very much so.

She needs 2 parents and I think it is selfish to think you deserve more time with her then your Ex does

NestaFiesta · 30/06/2010 11:04

YABU. You're lucky he is so devoted. And so is she. What a lucky girl. This is because you will miss her, not because it is wrong for her. Ask to speak to her on the phone every day even if its just to hear your voice.

She's not just your daughter, she's his too.

cory · 30/06/2010 11:06

We need more information here. Is there any particular reason why he would not be reliable to look after her (being a man doesn't count)?

Any particular reason why she would be frightened being with her own dad? (I have always spent 5 days away from my family, every year, since they've been babies, and it does not appear to have had any effect on them at all).

In some countries 50% access is the norm; the assumption being that children will be as close to their fathers as their mothers.

You may well have perfectly valid reasons- but you haven't told us about them.

NestaFiesta · 30/06/2010 11:06

She's not just your daughter, she's his too.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 30/06/2010 11:06

i hate that women have the right to dictate to men when they are allowed to see their children, it sounds a perfectly reasonable request. She is not yours, she is an equal product of you both. How would you feel if he said you couldnt spend a whole week with her for the same reasons? it wouldnt wash, so why should it the other way.

GypsyMoth · 30/06/2010 11:08

if she's 2 now,she'll be nearer 3 by then wont she?

Oblomov · 30/06/2010 11:14

YABU. A week with their dads at that age would be fab. Especially at christmas time.

gobsmackedetal · 30/06/2010 11:19

YABU. He grants you all the access you want and you should reciprocate

LisaD1 · 30/06/2010 11:22

Yabu but I do understand how hard it is for you, although this shouldn't be about you, it's about your DD.

I left my ex h when DD1 was 3 years old, he originally had her 2 weekdays and 1 day at the weekend until she went to school and we found it disrupted her week. Since then he has had every other weekend and as much as he wants during the holidays. I miss her like crazy when she's not here but she's with her dad and his family,having a great time.

She's 10 now and seems totally unaffected by having divorced parents. No matter how hard it is for you it's important to put your DD first.

I don't have a relationship with my own parents (far too long and boring) and I wish my dad was as interested as your DD's is.

Make some plans to do things for yourself while she's away having a blast with her dad.

WildistheWind · 30/06/2010 11:23

YABU Too long? Nonsense. You should be happy he wants to be more than a weekend dad.

toccatanfudge · 30/06/2010 11:26

"Is there any particular reason why he would not be reliable to look after her (being a man doesn't count)? "

agree with the others OP - unless you have concerns about how well he looks after her when he currently has her then I see no reason why she shouldn't stay with him.

MrsC2010 · 30/06/2010 12:05

Would you have been happy her spending that time with him were you still together? If you had to go away or something?

Mingg · 30/06/2010 12:18

Too long to be without you? Unless you have other reasons YABU

missjackson · 30/06/2010 12:18

YANBU for saying no to change of access at the moment - she is still a baby! 5 nights without her mother is too long if that's her primary attachment. But by Xmas she will be older and probably a one-off week then would be okay, if she agrees too.

It's not about 50-50, it's a sliding scale that starts 100-0 at birth, in favour of the primary carer, and then slowly changes to incorporate other carers according to individual children and parents. If that makes any sort of sense

Trust your instincts

StrictlyTory · 30/06/2010 12:27

I hate this assumption that the Mother gets to decide.

You didn't make the child on your own, it took 2 people and I think it's wonderful he wants to be fully involved.

Are you worried really that if you have 50/50 you will get less in matenance?

Besom · 30/06/2010 12:36

Haven't you got time to build it up gradually between now and Christmas? I mean let her do 3 nights then 4 to see how she gets on?

silverfrog · 30/06/2010 12:49

so, your ex has your dd for 2 consecutive nights at the mmoment, regularly (sometimes twice a week - midweek and wekends)

he would like to have longer, less interrupted time with her - actually only increasing his contact time with her by a little (7 out of 14, instead of 6 out of 14) - what he seems ot want is more prolonged, less bitty contact.

yuo have said no, because you will miss your dd.

yes, you are being TOTALLY unreasonable, on the facts given here.

I can see why you would say that 8 nights is a big jump up form 2. but you have onths to build up to that, and your ex is asking for longer contact periods anyway.

this is all about you, and not about your dd at all.

your ex has as much right to equal contact as you do. can you imagine if you only ever saw your dd for 2 nights at a time? there is absolutely nothng wrong with him wanting to have ehr for a week.

there is a LOT wrong with you not letting him

porcamiseria · 30/06/2010 13:01

agree YABU

she needs to have a dad too, and he has equal rights

paisleyleaf · 30/06/2010 13:03

"I'm saying no as I think 5 nights us far too long for her to be without me"

I think it's really that 5 nights is too long for you to be without her.
I can understand that you'll miss her terribly - I know I'd hate it.
But she will be fine.

ChateauRouge · 30/06/2010 13:09

The problem is that threads like this mean people stay in relationships they are unhappy in.

OP- I completely understand you- my DS is a similar age, and I could not bear to be apart from him for 5 days, and he would understandably miss me too, probably be crying uncontrollably at bedtime.

My husband is a very hands-on father, who adores his children, and is adored by them.
50/50 shared care would be what would happen in our situation, but I could not bear to be apart from my children, despite the fact they would be well-cared for and loved.

I am sorry OP, but you must be very upset about this proposal, I really feel for you.

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