AIBU to say no to ex request to look after DD for 8nights before Christmas? She is only 2.

[TotallyHappy]

Ex sees DD 2 nights mid week and every other weekend & currently trying to change access from 6nights out of 14 to 7 nights each (split 5, 5 then 2, 2) I'm saying no as I think 5 nights us far too long for her to be without me.

Ex is going away 26th-3rd jan and has asked to look after her week before Christmas (17th to 25th) AIBU to say no because I think it's too long?

No, chateaurouge, the problem is that a lot of mothers (please note, I have NOT said all mothers) think they have "more" rights to children post separation/divorce.

this is a child with a ver hands on father. currently, there is a potential run of 7 days where she does not see him (from one mid week to the next, if the weekend is with her mother).

but that is ok, because it is not the mother missing out.

never mind that she probably misses her father in this week, or that her father misses her.

that's ok, because he is the father, and therefore has less right to see his daughter.

the OP presumably has no worries about her dd's safety and care when she goes to stay with her father. the OP also did not mention that her dd has any problems settling with her father, or any worries for the 2 nights she is there.

so why shouldn't this become 3 nights, or 4, or 5? why shouldn't it build up to a week?

the only reason given - that it "mightbe too long" is vague to the point of ridiculous.

what isn't too long then? 7 nights? 6? 5? who has set this arbitrary boundary?

yes, I do understand how hard it must be to be away form your children for any length of time, but can't you see this is exactly what this girl's father feels every other week? not once a year, or once every blue moon when the mother agrees.

it shoud not be this way - and if the OP truly wants to put her dd first, she will do everyhting she can to help her have a solid functioning relationship with her father - which will include longer stays.

I find it hard to relate to Op or any woman who can not leave their children. i could quite happily leave my children. ds1 was with 2 of my sil's and his cousins for a week, whilst i had ds2 by cs. barely missed him. love him. but knew he was having the time of his life.
i could leave both my boys with dh, without a backward glance. the man is probably more capable of caring for those boys, having the time of their lives,and me come home to a repaired fence, all ironing done and a 4 course dinner.
this is why i don't get why people can't leave their children.
it comes up on MN all the time. i try to understand, but i just don't seem able to.

oblomov,i agree with that entirely!!

thinking that their dc 'sob uncontollably at night time' is only going to happen with very,very insecure children!! maybe their reliance on their mother has become unhealthy if thats the case??

op,your child has a right (childrens act) to a decent relationship with you both....it doesnt say that can only happen when the mother says so!! a judge would put you right here,i'm sure

I left my ds (2) with my ex for a week, he requested it for a holiday, it felt like an age ! after a few days I asked if we could meet up for 10mins in the park, just cause I was missing him so badly, and he was fine about it.

When I saw how fine Ds was and had that little bit of time with him it was easier to get on and leave him.

She will be fine, its also better for you to bridge that gap and have her dad take responsibility for a week. It'll take the pressure off.

p.s have something planned all week to do, obviously round christmas you'll be anyway, but I found it easier as I had a load of paintings to do

good luck but YABU x

I have to agree - sometimes a week off from my dds would be absolute bliss!

yes, I owuld miss them. and I am sure they would miss me.

but that does not mean they shouldn't go away for that week (especially, as is the case in the OP, for a week with their parent)

I would be head over heels if my dds had grandparents that I could wave them away cheerily too. or uncles/aunts/cousins etc.

lovely for all concerned.

DS has cried uncontrollably at bedtime when I have not been there to put him down.
I work FT- he is perfectly capable of being away from me, and does not cry at all at nursery- he simply wants me to put him to bed at night that is all, particularly as until the last few weeks he was bf. How is that difficult to understand?
He is only 17mo- similar age to OP's child.
He is not in the least bit insecure.

Bearing in mind that 5 days out of 7 I put the children to bed by myself, as DH gets home from work too late, it is hardly surprising they expect me to put them to bed.
What is unhealthy about it?

threeblondeboys - my dds would currently sob uncontrollably if they had a different routine suddenly.

bt they would get used ot it (dd1 is ASD, so routines important)

if I were separated from her father, I woud want ot establish pretty quickly, to her, that there is anew routine now that this routine is ok, and that he is as able as I am to help her out.

agree that this insistence that only the mother can settle/sort out/care for etc is madness.

Oblomoc - I never used to understand it either when I was still was exH.

Then I became a single parent and it's different. It's hard to explain how it's different but it was. Maybe it was something to with the fact that when I was with exH time "off" or away from the children was something of my own choosing - and I'd (probably) be doing something fun and that I wanted to do. And we shared the are when we were both there.

Those first few months when we first split were hard. Once a fortnight he would come and pick them up and take them off to his for the weekend. I'd had 2 weeks solid of sole care, my entire world revolved around then with no-one else to pick up any of the slack. Every waking moment I had to look after them.

Then suddenly - bang - the weekend with their dad came around and I was like a lost little puppy for those first few months. It wasn't a girly weekend/night out, or something other "planned" reason for my children not being there - they just weren't there. And I guess it was kind of a jolt back to the reality of no longer being with someone to make time away from the children something special, it was "enforced" iykwim.

The idea of having wonderful plans for yourself every time you children are staying with their dad is sadly usually just a dream and the reality is you're pottering around a usually manic house on your own.

I didn't resent him having them at ALL and I wish he'd been having them regularly like that since we split up again.

But it was definitely different from leaving my children when a LP as when we were in a relationship together.

thankfully after a few months that "OMG another weekend without them here" went and I started looking forward to it.

tese dc who cry uncontrollably?? i assume are all still alive and well. and the argument could be that they need to spend more time with an absent parent if they get into such a state.

anyway,op hasnt stated this is a problem.

exactly, threeblondeboys - that was what I was trying to say.

a crying child needs a parent to conmfort it - it doesn't have to be the mother.

17 months is very different from 2yrs (rapidly approaching 3) although they are similar in number.

and as others have pointed out once a new routine is quickly established children will adapt.

I don't think it's an unreasonable request - but if she's only used to staying a couple of nights at the moment you need to build it up slowly between now and Christmas. Start with some long weekends, then 5 nights at a time etc.

It's unfair to expect a small child to go from being with a carer most of the time to suddenly being apart for 8 nights, but there's no reason not to work up to it as far as I can see. If your DD becomes used to 50/50 parenting it won't be a problem for her.

This is fascinating. So I'm actually asking about the Christmas period of 8 nights (i don't care about thoughts on the access arrangements bit - that was just for background).

As for "as long as she agrees"??! She will be 2, she can only just talk! :-)

Thanks for your thoughts, of course I will miss her but this is about her. And as she isn't old enough to tell me I'm just wanting to to the right thing for her.

As for maintenance - nope nothing to do with that, he doesn't pay much anyway, in fact 50/50 share and he'd pay more to cover 50% share if nursery fees (which I pay now).

you won't be able to shut her up by Christmas TH

But seriously, I think as mothers is pretty easy to tell whether our children are happy/comfortable with something even if they can't yet talk.

Are you able to build up the lengths of visits between now and Christmas TotallyHappy, so that 8 days isn't a shock to her?

fwiw my DS3 went from 2 nights a fortnight from aged 9 months to a full week just before he turned 2 (with no build up of nights) and was absolutely fine

my DS recently did 2 weeks with his Daddy, he was FINE. I wasnt though! I think if you make sure they are used to each other 8 days is a doddle

Thanks fudge - that does help.