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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have persuaded DP to not send his mums hubby a fathers day card?

26 replies

glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:14

DP is 42. He has a dad who is alive who he loves. His mum married a man who irritates us intensely (although he is not horrible) perhaps 8 years ago. This man has fallen out with his two sons, so (understandably) MIL feels for him on fathers day.

For the last 2 years she has called to ask us to send him a fathers day card- both times DP would have done it to please his mum although he really didnt want to.

I persuaded him not to (in fact I was that she would even ask) - but was I BU? Do others send their step-parents mother/fathers day cards?

Thanks!

OP posts:
Iggisonthesofa · 29/06/2010 22:17

You can get one for a step dad.
If we all stopped sending cards to people we don't like, Hallmark would go out of business.
I sense a family feud coming on, is it worth it?

PeedOffWithNits · 29/06/2010 22:19

she actively encouraged you to send one despite there being no love lost, as it were

very sincere then, this card sending idea?!!

PeedOffWithNits · 29/06/2010 22:20

oh and OP, YANBU

I always assumed step dad cards were for those actualy RAISED by a great step dad to send?

Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:20

Nah, no family feud. I doubt she would mention it. I dont want to be unreasonable but it seemed wrong- would the card say 'dear dad?' or 'your like a dad'?

Just seemed odd- DP was not bought up by him. He is not a 'dad' to him in any sense...

OP posts:
Maylee · 29/06/2010 22:22

Yes YABU (based on what you said in your OP)

Your DP wanted to do something to please his mum and, ultimately, his step-dad (a man who you readily admit is not horrible. You persuaded him not to. All it costed was the price of the card and the stamp.

Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:23

Thanks peedoff! Thats what I thought- he didnt bring DP up.

And she dosent know we find him irritating! We are all polite- he is her husband after all, even if we are not very keen!

OP posts:
Iggisonthesofa · 29/06/2010 22:24

You shouldn't have started the tradition. I'd wonder what I'd done if I got cards for 2 years and then nowt.
If your mum's felt strongly enough to phone you about it, I wouldn't bet that she won't be upset by it.

Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:25

Maylee- I think it was calling someone 'dad' who is about as far from a dad to DP as you can get!

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:27

Iggi- we have never sent him one! She just started asking us to the last couple years- I dont know why.

And its DPs mum, not mine. Mine remarried about 15 years ago but I dont send her husband one either. Never considered it TBH!

OP posts:
Iggisonthesofa · 29/06/2010 22:28

Ah, it's different if you haven't started it yet then. Don't!

Maylee · 29/06/2010 22:28

I see.

I have step-parents and trying to navigate through all the politics and keep everyone happy (and maintain some degree of sincerity) is a flamin' nightmare......

SalFresco · 29/06/2010 22:29

It's up to your DH, isn't it? If he didn't want to, you wouldn't need to "persuade" him, surely?

SalFresco · 29/06/2010 22:29

Sorry, DP

Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:29

Oh phew, thanks iggi I was starting to feel very unreasonable!

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:31

sal- he didnt want to, but felt guilty that his mum had asked and we didnt want to.

In fact I left it up to him but sort of made my opinion on it (load of nonsense) clear.

OP posts:
Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:32

Maylee- I know! Both my & dps parents are divorced and remarried- its lots of fun at Christmas...

OP posts:
Iggisonthesofa · 29/06/2010 22:32

It would be more meaningful for him to try to make up with his own sons, rather than make a fake son out of your DP (who was in 30s when they first met!)

Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:35

Exactly Iggi! That's what I said to DP. He is full of pride and wont do it- but he is the dad- at end of day its down to him.

Terrible to disown your kids IMO.

OP posts:
SalFresco · 29/06/2010 22:37

Fair enough
I would probably have sent one of those cards that just says have a nice fathers day or whatever (ie you are not my father and haven't raised me, but here is a card anyway) but then I come from a family where it is easier to just do these mad things rather than to face ridiculous over the top fallout!!

Original poster
glitterkitty · 29/06/2010 22:44

Sal- I know what you mean- but MIL is very nice she would never mention it. Thats why I feel a bit guilty I think. But I still didnt want DH to feel he had to call him daddy

Ah we need a range of cards for this...

OP posts:
SalFresco · 29/06/2010 22:47

I suspect it could be a very lucrative market...!

GiddyPickle · 29/06/2010 22:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SalFresco · 29/06/2010 23:03

"You're not my dad, but you used to be married to my mum, but now you're divorced, but I still like you and I don't want to hurt your feelings...Happy Father's Day!!"

I'm going into business

saslou · 29/06/2010 23:15

YANBU.This man isn't your DHs dad, didn't bring him up and your DH doesn't love (or even like)him. It is an insult to his real father to send a card in these circumstances. Different if a step father has been on the scene since childhood and has loved and brought up a child

fernie3 · 30/06/2010 07:18

I send my step mother a card in mothers day she married my dad 4 years ago (about a year before I got married myself) and I didnt meet her until well into my 20s.

I dont have a particularly close relationship with her but I send a card as it is important to my dad as a sort of signal of acceptance I think. I dont see the harm myself if your husband thought it was the right thing to send it then perhaps he just wanted to make his mum happy? I would be a little annoyed if my husband "convinced" me not to send a card I wanted to send.

I dont feel at all that sending the card in any way insults my real mother, and it makes my father happy - plus seems to make my step mother happy so why not?