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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to go to court and not send my children back?

37 replies

GinandChocolate · 29/06/2010 21:46

ExH and I have shared residency of our 2 DC - they spend alternate weeks with each of us. I've tried really hard to make this work because I thought it was in the best interests of the DC.But it isn't working.

ExH has anger issues and was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me in the past. Hence he is now ex. Never thought he would hurt the children.

DS is 7 and has had lots of behavioural problems at school. He has been seeing a psychologist and she has diagnosed anxiety and depression. He has told her his father has hurt him - his father denied it in the first instance and said DS was lying but now there have been 2 other incidents (one verbal and one verbal and physical) both of which have been confirmed by independent adult witnesses. Psychologist is hinting about involving child protection.

DD is 5 and complains about everyone shouting at her fathers house. Last week he shouted at her to "fuck off" - she is 5 for goodness sake.

My lawyer is advising not returning the children at the end of their week with me and going to court to change the residency arrangement.

I am scared about how he will react and what happens if I lose.

I suggested sending him a letter requiring him to get help with his anger and offering supervised contact while he does but lawyer thinks this is not enough and I should go to court for both an interim residency and long term residnecy agreement in my favour.

I don't want to stop them seeing their dad but they are so little and they need to be safe. Also the psychologist says they need consistency and having 2 homes isnt working for DS.

So AIBU to go to court? or is there a better way?

OP posts:
chitchat07 · 29/06/2010 21:50

You need to separate the two issues here. Firstly, what is best for the DCs, and by the sound of it it is not seeing their dad. Secondly, your fear of his reaction. Obviously this is genuine as you have been hurt by him, but if you are scared of him, shouldn't you be standing more firm re protecting your DCs?

Go to court, protect your DCs. If your ExH manages to get his act together he can go back to court and try to get access to them again.

Original poster
GinandChocolate · 29/06/2010 21:55

Thanks chitchat, you are right and I know I can't sit here and do nothing. Going to court just seems so aggressive and I can't see how we will ever manage to deal with each other again.

OP posts:
bratnav · 29/06/2010 22:00

But if you are scared to talk to him already it doesn't sound like you do deal with each other anyway. I don't see that you have anything to lose by going to court, but a heck of a lot to gain for your DCs.

Sassybeast · 29/06/2010 22:00

I would be pissed off that the psychologist is only 'hinting' at involving CP -shouldn't they be doing all they can to protect the children ? How serious does the next incident have to be ? Get these people to ACT! Going to court may be aggressive but it's a lot less aggressive than what your kids are being subjected to surely ?

BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte · 29/06/2010 22:03

Have you tried mediation?

bratnav · 29/06/2010 22:12

Mediation can be a fantastic tool, it really helped DH and his exW sort out residency of DSD, but it sounds like something more decisive is needed here. If exH has anger issues that t he is taking out on the DCs then I would say contact needs to be suspended immediately.

Original poster
GinandChocolate · 29/06/2010 23:08

I would go to mediation but how do you make that happen. He won't listen to me on anything.

Sassy I think the psychologist is only holding off because she is expecting me to act. I will act but just wasn't sure if going to court was the right next step.

OP posts:
mummytime · 29/06/2010 23:11

If you do not act the psychologist will, and that could mean you also being see as a mother who will not protect her children. Talk to women's aid. But do not return them and go to court.

bratnav · 29/06/2010 23:39

You would ask your solicitor to refer you, as they know your case well I would ask them if they think it is appropriate in your circumstances. exH would have to agree to go too though.

bratnav · 29/06/2010 23:40

Mediators are fantastic at getting anyone to shut up and listen, they even managed it with DH and his ex.

SolidGoldBrass · 29/06/2010 23:42

Your lawyer is advising you to keep your chldren away from this horrible man. The law is ON YOUR SIDE. If you think he will react by coming round to your house and attacking you, inform the police or get your lawyer to sort out an injunction against him.
He has forfeited his right to see his DC because he is hurting them mentally and physically. Fuck him right off.

Original poster
GinandChocolate · 30/06/2010 14:08

I have asked my lawyer to propose mediation and say that until exH sorts himself out the children should stay with me.

OP posts:
dilemma456 · 30/06/2010 16:33

Message withdrawn

Longtalljosie · 30/06/2010 16:34

It's either you facing his anger or your children. So it's got to be you.

diamondsandtiaras · 30/06/2010 16:39

you have to keep your children with you. the law is obviously on your side if that's what your lawyer is advising you to do. If you fear for your safety then you should talk to the police IMO and see what they suggest. Lots of luck.

booyhoo · 30/06/2010 16:40

if your sloicitor is advising it then that means he/she thinks you will most likely get it. i would go with what the solicitor is recommending. your children are not safe at the minute.

Dollytwat · 30/06/2010 16:45

I'm not a solicitor but am going through the court process at the moment.

The courts don't like you to just stop contact. They like you to apply for a variation of the order that is in place.

Once the court is involved, then Cafcass can get involved.

In my case we asked for a single issue report to be done. Cafcass will take into account what you say, your children and of course what the psychologist says. You do have a good reason to insist on supervised contact. They will make recommendations as to what they think to the court.

Dollytwat · 30/06/2010 16:46

Having said all that though, I did stop contact because of abusive exH.

You just need to be doing the legal stuff at the same time.

Original poster
GinandChocolate · 30/06/2010 21:36

I'm not afraid of him doing anything to me - I have lovely DP and close family for support. I am worried that he will just try to take the children from school.

I don't want to stop the children ever seeing him again - they love him but they find his angry outbursts scary and confusing.

Dolly - sorry you are going through this too.

OP posts:
ilovemydogandMrObama · 30/06/2010 21:46

No, mediation is only effective if both parties are willing to make it work, and absolutely not the right forum for CP issues.

If your solicitor is suggesting a residency order solely, then do it. This is about your children's safety and mental health, and the best interests of the children.

If you don't take the advice, then what's going to happen is that the psychologist is going to get involved, the children will then be under the radar of social services quite possibly and you will be in the system.

Disagree that the courts don't like contact to stop. If there are reports, and in this instance from a psychologist who is of the belief they are credible, that physical or emotional abuse is in issue, then contact can be stopped.

loopyloops · 30/06/2010 21:48

DO NOT send your children back unsupervised. You know that already. Do whatever it takes to ensure that your children are safe. Go by the book as much as possible, but if it means halting contact before getting the contract sorted then you must, for the emotional and physical safety of your children.
I think you know this already, but wanted reassurance. Consider yourself reassured, we all agree with you.
Do try some form of mediation though and insist on anger management even if all future contact is supervised. Those children are precious.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 30/06/2010 21:56

Why does the OP need to enter into mediation with this man? He is the one who is emotionally/physically abusive towards the kids. This is not an issue for mediation.

loopyloops · 30/06/2010 22:03

Well, because he is their father, and although the OP is the only real grown-up in this situation, they should both try to be able to communicate in order for their children to have some kind of relationship with the tosser dad.

ilovemydogandMrObama · 30/06/2010 22:10

Absolutely disagree. Mediation is not the right forum for CP issues. This is not about communication. This is not a situation where they need to iron out the finances or contact arrangements. This is a man who has been physically/emotionally abusive.

I would be shocked surprised if any mediator took this on board anyway.

Dollytwat · 30/06/2010 22:12

Just to clarify my earlier post.

I stopped contact for very similar reasons as Gin last April.

I offered supervised contact if he wanted it at a contact centre.

He took til Christmas to ask for this. Then asked the court for an enforcement of the original contact order, which I then had to counter with a variation. The magistrates didn't really hear any of the details, they just heard that he asked for enforcement and I asked for a variation. Then the case was ajourned for Cafcass reports.

What I'm trying to say is that yes, stopping contact is the right thing to do, however, be aware of the legal process and try to do it the way they want, because they only get to hear the details way down the line.

Keep all the emails and take lots of notes because it's a nightmare to put it all together later.

Good luck Gin, my sitation is with a man who's after control of me, not really about contact with his children, that's the shame

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