to go to court and not send my children back?

[GinandChocolate]

ExH and I have shared residency of our 2 DC - they spend alternate weeks with each of us. I've tried really hard to make this work because I thought it was in the best interests of the DC.But it isn't working.

ExH has anger issues and was verbally and sometimes physically abusive to me in the past. Hence he is now ex. Never thought he would hurt the children.

DS is 7 and has had lots of behavioural problems at school. He has been seeing a psychologist and she has diagnosed anxiety and depression. He has told her his father has hurt him - his father denied it in the first instance and said DS was lying but now there have been 2 other incidents (one verbal and one verbal and physical) both of which have been confirmed by independent adult witnesses. Psychologist is hinting about involving child protection.

DD is 5 and complains about everyone shouting at her fathers house. Last week he shouted at her to "fuck off" - she is 5 for goodness sake.

My lawyer is advising not returning the children at the end of their week with me and going to court to change the residency arrangement.

I am scared about how he will react and what happens if I lose.

I suggested sending him a letter requiring him to get help with his anger and offering supervised contact while he does but lawyer thinks this is not enough and I should go to court for both an interim residency and long term residnecy agreement in my favour.

I don't want to stop them seeing their dad but they are so little and they need to be safe. Also the psychologist says they need consistency and having 2 homes isnt working for DS.

So AIBU to go to court? or is there a better way?

Dolly I think this is about control of me too. He was like this towards me throughout our marriage - never to the DC though.

He still tries to bully and control me now - he can't stand that I left him and I am happy. I have had loads of therapy and started to impose boundaries - now he has started on my DC and I have to get him to stop.

Maybe court is the only answer.

Will talk to lawyer again tomorrow.

Gin it's an exhausting process but stick to your guns. The problem I found is that by the time it got to court, I wasn't as angry any more, and my solicitor had persuaded me to not go for a fact finding but a wishes and feelings report instead. So everything gt watered down, mostly because of costs to me.

However, Cafcass spoke to both my boys individually even the 5yr old and they both said they were scared of him. Cafcass recommended his mother to supervise, with contact increasing gradually.

He didn't agree. We have a final hearing next week unless we can agree beforehand.

The thing that shocked even his solicitor is that I offered to take the boys to his mums this Sunday, instead of at the contact centre, and he said it was unacceptable.

The sad thing is that I know he'll never give up because I won't ever let him control me again. I just wish he was a lovely dad, really I do

When it's obvious that the man's agenda is not to build a relationship with his DC but to bully and harrass his XP, the courts are generally sympathetic to the XP. Also, bullying men don't actually push it legally any further than they have to: the aim is to distress you, not actually for them to have to make an effort to look after the DC, so treating them with calm contempt and repeating that they can go through due process or piss off is the best way of dealing with such a situation - as long as you keep a detailed log of all events and amass as much evidence as possible. G&C you've already got a psychologist on your side and this man's abuse of you as a matter of public record. Don't be afraid, you DON'T HAVE TO OBEY HIM.

Keep the children with you and go to court to vary the current arrangments.

I agree that mediation is not suitable if there are child protection issues; unless he accepts what he has done, is remorseful and takes responsibility to change.

the court acts to protect the best interests of the children. As a general rule, it is perceived to be in their best interests to have contact with both parents. But not if one parent is hurting them, emotionally or physically.

You can offer supervised/supported contact at a contact centre while this is getting sorted out.

good luck.

mediation wont work. you cant mediate with someone like this. there is a child protection issue here - get it straight to court and have supervised contact at a contact centre...

you can look up contact centres on
www.naccc.org.uk/home

get it to court, make it clear you want contact to conitnue but you want it to be safe for the DCS.

consistency could come from you being main residence and visiting with dad at set times, supervised.

i would use the psychologist to get CP involved. this will carry weight in court...make it that it is not just your whim as a bitter ex...

initial step would be CP meeting - if you taking steps eg propsing supervised contact for now then make sure that is clear.

oh and you need to speak to your lawyer about pushing thru an urgent change to the current arrangemnt - otherwise you would ahve to wait two to three months for a hearing - you cant afford to do that for dcs sake - you need a rapid interim order for supervised contact..

remember - if he gets angry - that is HIS problem (and will prove a point...) jsut make sure you and dcs are safe eg dont let him in your home, be ready to call police etc. and DO call police if he outside your home banging in on door - it is hard hard to do...but you must so it is recorded.

loopyloops- i did attend family therapy with my exP - it was a failure, ended with therapists telling him to get help before it was too late - he didnt and things got worse...two years after i moved out etc - exP produced a lady who would "mediate" on finance and contact issues...i met her...agreed to attend with openmind...it totally disintegrated into him trying to bully me and she totally agreed with me after that there was little point attempting again.

this is further down the line, after contact centres etc...but he just didnt want to "mediate" - he wanted only to try and use this lady to bully me...sadly for him, she realised that the line he had thrown her about wanting to talk and communicate with me was a lie... he is still an angry controlling abusive person...

she has now said that if we go back to court again she will happily report on the 2 sessions and why it didnt work as "mediation"

Fair enough.
Take the sound advice given above. You are NOT being unreasonable, but you ARE being irresponsible if you allow your children to go back to him unsupervised. Act now and give your lovely children the love and support that they need. Two parents is all well and good if those parents are loving and responsible, if not, one is perfectly fine and often better.
You'll do a great job with the court and the kids, don't worry.

I guess from the great support you've got from here you know the best thing to do is follow your solicitor's advice. But I've only just seen this and must take the opportunity to warn you, just in case you are still wavering. I joined mumsnet just to communicate this to you - DO WHAT YOUR SOLICITOR SAYS. YOU DO NOT WANT SOCIAL SERVICES INVOLVED. To cut a long story short, I left my abusive husband over two years ago and tried to keep the children safe. I relied on social services to help me do this. But the husband is rich with a top lawyer and barrister and social services made critical mistakes that have resulted in my gorgeous children, aged 2 and 5, being put into foster care in May 2010, two years after we left and moved to safety. Follow your solicitor's advice, the courts will be on your side at the moment, but not if you let this go on. Don't let social services accuse you of putting your children at risk - you could lose them.

beanypole - I don't know your case but I do know that SS do not just remove children without having very good grounds for doing so - they have to go before a court with masses of evidence to get removal agreed. Without the agreement of the court they cannot remove any child.

These are two small children in the OP being physically and verbally abused - one child is already having problems and the OP needs to get the children out for their own safety. If the OP does nothing then the psychologist will involve SS - she will have an obligation to do so. If nobody involves SS despite knowing the facts the OP has posted then they will appear to be colluding with the abuser to hide the issues - this will look much worse.

It is sad that the services did not work for you but why have they have removed your children when you have been apart for 2 years from your ex (who sounds a nasty piece of work from your post). If you feel mistakes have been made then I hope you are seeking legal help with this and getting support.

I think the bottom line has been spelled out a few times here but bears repeating - your DS's psychologist has an obligation to report the abuse to SS but is waiting to see if you act to protect him and his sister first. Your solicitor has told you to act to protect your DC - you MUST DO IT or SS WILL GET INVOLVED.

I am for you that you are in the situation but you have to follow the legal advice you have been given and do so straight away.