Do I expect too much of DH?

[Schulte]

So I pondered whether to post this in AIBU or relationships... but as I need some very frank answers I decided to take the plunge! So tell me if I am being a cow.

I am finding life very hard at the moment. Work is shit, commuting an hour each way 4 days a week is bloody hard, DD2 is covered in eczema from head to toe, constantly ill and waking up at 6am every morning, and DD1 is being a toddler and constantly testing her boundaries, answering back and being disobedient whenever there is an opportunity. We're waiting to complete on buying a bigger house and everything is being held up by a useless solicitors and our current house is bursting at the seams.

I'd put up with all this if I felt I had decent support from DH, but he's on an overnight business trip once a week, every week, then goes rowing every Tuesday, and even on days when he isn't away he'll only come home when they have already gone to bed (and it's not like he has a highly paid job). He takes long leisurely showers in the morning while I feed the DDs, often leaving only 5 or 10 minutes for me to get showered and dressed before we have to rush off to drop the girls off at nursery and go to work.

Oh, and he's been away on quite a few stag dos and fun outings that lasted all Saturday and Sunday, leaving me to look after both DDs on my own at the weekend.

I am the one doing all the washing, taking them to the docs, taking time off when one of them is sick, changing our bedding, tidying up, packing the nursery bags every night, picking them up every evening, putting them to bed.

To be fair to DH, he has recently taken over responsibility for the shopping (but we've had an empty fridge a few times), he will cook most evenings (but not at the weekends, then it's my job) and he takes the litter out. And once a week, if I request it, he picks the girls up from nursery while I work late (but I still don't get to have a fun time and usually rush home as soon as I can).

He tells me I am a miserable cow when I complain, that I am being unfair on him, that he simply can't do more than he is doing, and that I am the one having a part time agreement with my employer. He tells me I shout too much at the DDs (because it's true, I feel so under pressure that I have no patience with them whatsoever), and that I have a mental problem.

I think he's being a useless twat.

Is he right? Should I get a grip?

No. It doesn't sound like you are getting any free time at all. Whereas he is. That's not fair.

So. What do you like doing?

Do it. Make time for yourself. Leave him with his children, he can cope as well as you can (and if he can't then he needs to bloody well learn!)

Take time for yourself. And don't say you can't and then moan about the time he has for himself! You are as entitled to a hobby and some r&r as he is. Don't ask him. Just do it. And he he dares say anything, list all the hobbies and fun he has!

Yanbu

my dh goes out once a week

so do I

he has lads weekends so I have girly weekends

but every morning I have to nag up to get up and use the bathroom so that I can use it to get to school on time
drives me crackers

YANBU

Why don't you leave for work before him for a week or two leaving him to sort the kids out in the morning.

No he is Not right!!

They havnt got a clue! just cos you work part time doesn't mean everything is your resp!!

We have the shower thing here too! So I end up looking like dogs dinner day in day out! my dh does work a lot 6 days some evenings but I still expect him to help. Do breakfast time, bedtime, tidying, washing clothes (never does this one).

You take care of you and try and find some you time!

Are you part time you say?
That's a factor to consider but why do you allow him to not share the morning and evening stuff?

BAFE - Because since I've gone back to work, he's suddenly decided he needs to be on the early train too... when previously he'd been quite happy to leave the house at 8am instead of 7.30am. So we all have to rush in the morning and there is no way I can leave before him.

Hecate, you have a point there. When I complain, he always says, well plan something for yourself then, go on. But I feel like I want to spend the weekend with my girls (and him, funnily enough) and not having pedicures or shopping. So am I not entitled to complain?

On the days you are working then everything should be split 50/50 You having 1 extra day off does not mean that he can suddenly forget about being a Dad!

YANBU.

Moaning is getting you nowhere, and neither is letting this resentment build up.
Show him now, don't tell him.
For the 4 days you work take it in turns to do the morning shift. Up at six with DD, breakfasts etc while the other one has the shower.
Announce on Wednesday that you'll be out on Saturday afternoon.

Moodog - evening stuff: He simply doesn't come home before they are in bed (or about to go to bed) because he's supposedly under so much pressure at work. I suppose I could leave all the toys lying around for him to pick up - what else?

Morning stuff: His excuse for having 45 minute showers is that he's got psoriaris and has to put lots of creams on. Which is true, but why doesn't he get up earlier then so I get a chance to get ready too? When we recently simply couldn't get everyone ready on time, I was the one saying oh sod it, I'll take the next train then and be late for work. He didn't offer

Good to hear I am not the only one though, makes me feel less alone...

Agree with Nettie - you need to take care of this situation. Get in the shower before he has chance to.

Can't see what he can do about working late - just reality sometimes unfortunately. Perhaps you should book the odd weekend away with your friends? Will give you a break, and make him appreciate what you do more.

Sorry, I meant moondog, not moodog obviously!

Maybe you need to draw up a schedule - with work time/childcare/house work/free time/family time on it - so that you both get the same about of "work" and "play". Then he can see exactly how many hours each of you put in.

My personal humble opinion is that he's not very good at managing his time and that's why he has to work late - realising at 5pm that he's got a 6pm deadline, that kind of stuff.

I am being unfair...

You are doing four fairly long days which (imo) is pretty much full time anyway. What do you do on Day Five? If you have childcare on that day then you need to use that time for doing stuff for you. However I am guessing you have the dcs on that day too?

You mention that he calls you a miserable cow when you complain. Do you ever have chance to sit down and talk, rather than complain? (I mean that in a nice way, not critical, you sound exhausted) I imagine that just getting through each day is enough, let alone trying to make him see how he is contributing to your stress.

Perhaps you need to focus on the most pressing issues first. For me the frustration of only having a few moments to get washed in the morning would be top of the list.

Could you get a cleaner. Could you make a list with 2 columns, lay out the timings of what you both do. e.g. on "his" side - putting out rubbish 15 minutes per week, shopping 1.5 hours etc.. Then list all the stuff you do?

Is he a reasonable man? If not then this may be a lost cause.

Missus, I like the schedule idea.

That could work.

Because he certainly THINKS he pulls his weight.

Just a quick YANBU from me.

I'd plan something for myself after work and inform him that it's his turn to get the children for starters. Then I'd saunter in at 7:30 or whatever.

onepiece - yes I have the dds on the 5th day and that is pretty full on as they are so young. But DH always refers to it as 'my day off'. I don't think he's ever had both of them for longer than a couple of hours.

We have a cleaner and without her I simply wouldn't cope.

We never get a chance to talk in a nice way because I am exhausted and go to bed at 9pm, or else I am angry and shout at him

GP recently asked whether I thought I was depressed and wanted to apply for counselling but I don't think I am depressed, I am just an exhausted mum.

re the 45 minute showers. Any reason this couldn't be switched to the evening? (probably not, in fact this would give the creams/ointments time to sink in rather than his clothes rubbing against his skin?)

The bottom line to this imo is his general personality. If he is an arse then he won't suddenly change (and won't want to). Whether you write lists or go out on Saturdays or refuse to wash his pants or whatever other strategies you try in desperation.

If he is just a bit self absorbed and chooses not to be aware then you need to find a way of getting through to him.

Which is he?

I think I'll print this thread off and make sure I do all the things you have advised...

What about my children? I am worried they'll suffer from seeing mummy unhappy so much.

YANBU - he should at least take responsibility at one end of the day (either in the morning or evening) if you are both working and you should be allowed to have at least one morning at the weekend to yourself.

Day off? (hahaha)

Perhaps on his day off, let him choose either Saturday or Sunday he would like to try to have them just for half a day?

I am lucky in that because I work shifts dh and I have had to take turns with the childcare and although he doesn't do stuff the "same" as me we get by. tbh he does the childcare stuff better than me but the housework leaves a bit to be desired on his days with them.

Well now, hang on.
You've got a cleaner, he shops, he cooks most nights.

It's not that bad.

Schulte can you afford an extra few hours of childcare on your day off? Sorry if you this would be impossible. I did this when dd1 was small (different reasons to you)

Basically I got up as normal and took her to nursery. It was only for 3 hours but that little bit of freedom was like a breath of fresh air. On bad days I would rest. However on days I was less knackered a lot can be done in 3 hours (not necessarily household stuff, I would do stuff like go into town to buy new jeans in peace and have a coffee) In the afternoon I was a much better mummy as I had had my breathing space.

onepiece - let's assume he's not an arse otherwise I would have got my choice of DH horribly wrong

He's just feeling the pressure himself, I think... keeps complaining about how life isn't fun any more, and I am not fun any more... and I think I just have more of a 'get on with it' kind of attitude when the shit hits the fan, which is probably why I get more things done.

He's just got in from rowing and the first thing he said was 'I can't tell you what a horrible day I've had'.