Do I expect too much of DH?

[Schulte]

So I pondered whether to post this in AIBU or relationships... but as I need some very frank answers I decided to take the plunge! So tell me if I am being a cow.

I am finding life very hard at the moment. Work is shit, commuting an hour each way 4 days a week is bloody hard, DD2 is covered in eczema from head to toe, constantly ill and waking up at 6am every morning, and DD1 is being a toddler and constantly testing her boundaries, answering back and being disobedient whenever there is an opportunity. We're waiting to complete on buying a bigger house and everything is being held up by a useless solicitors and our current house is bursting at the seams.

I'd put up with all this if I felt I had decent support from DH, but he's on an overnight business trip once a week, every week, then goes rowing every Tuesday, and even on days when he isn't away he'll only come home when they have already gone to bed (and it's not like he has a highly paid job). He takes long leisurely showers in the morning while I feed the DDs, often leaving only 5 or 10 minutes for me to get showered and dressed before we have to rush off to drop the girls off at nursery and go to work.

Oh, and he's been away on quite a few stag dos and fun outings that lasted all Saturday and Sunday, leaving me to look after both DDs on my own at the weekend.

I am the one doing all the washing, taking them to the docs, taking time off when one of them is sick, changing our bedding, tidying up, packing the nursery bags every night, picking them up every evening, putting them to bed.

To be fair to DH, he has recently taken over responsibility for the shopping (but we've had an empty fridge a few times), he will cook most evenings (but not at the weekends, then it's my job) and he takes the litter out. And once a week, if I request it, he picks the girls up from nursery while I work late (but I still don't get to have a fun time and usually rush home as soon as I can).

He tells me I am a miserable cow when I complain, that I am being unfair on him, that he simply can't do more than he is doing, and that I am the one having a part time agreement with my employer. He tells me I shout too much at the DDs (because it's true, I feel so under pressure that I have no patience with them whatsoever), and that I have a mental problem.

I think he's being a useless twat.

Is he right? Should I get a grip?

A friend of mine had great success by writing herself a "job description" for being a mother. She wrote her DH one too, and they compared the relative lengths; he rather shame facedly agreed he wasn't pulling his weight and they readjusted the balance.

I agree with others that some time to yourself at the weekends would be great. Not so much for you, but for him, to see how much is involved in having the DC for the day and how it isn't a "day off".

Aha. Moondog, see, that's what I am wondering... maybe things aren't that bad and I am just being a wimp?

Like the job description idea too...

Sorry to go against the grain on the thread but i think you are being unreasonable

the thing is if you continue to accept that you are worth less than he is then he will continue to exploit this

if you want a fair relationship, that is equal in terms of input and output you need to communicate your needs and stand up for them

if you have problems with self esteem or assertiveness try reading a woman in your own right...tis excellent

why do men think if you have a day off work yet you have to look after your children, its still a day off?!

i have never understood that.
a day off is surely meant to be you have it free to do as you wish etc, no commitments that take your time up.

get a hobby and do it once a week religiously!

Well, I'm wondering.
How many hours cleaning a week do you get?

YADNBU, your DH is unreasonable. In our household we share the morning routine equally. I always wake up earlier due to make up and girly things and my DH wakes up 30 minutes later and does DD's nursery bag, bottles etc and dresses up DD and DS. Sometimes he will iron their uniforms in the morning or I do that. Once that is all done he then goes in the bath because he takes too long in the bath. Usually this is the time we all leave, myself to drop DD off and the other two DS's at school. I am perfectly happy with that. Maybe suggest such a routine to him so that he is not just lying about with nothing to do, give him jobs to do. Sorry that you feel run down and tired but who wouldnt living with someone who does not help around the house

The cleaner and DH doing the shopping and cooking is fine, but it's still no good if you're doing more work and he has more free time.

No offence meant btw when I asked if he is an arse

We need to know what we are dealing with here. and you have made it clearer.

Moondog - 2 hours. I usually don't bother cleaning in between although I do have to get the hoover out at least once a week, and obviously wipe the floor around the high chair after every meal. And yes it's filthy the day before the cleaner arrives.

But I do ALL the washing, putting the laundry away etc. and there is an awful lot of it.

I just helped him organise a bloody stag do and he hasn't even said thank you properly

I asked him to bring me a bottle of wine to have with my dinner and he 'forgot'

Sometimes I think I might be better off without him, then at least I wouldn't expect help in the first place.

I think the one thing that really annoys me is having to do bedtime on my own. One of the DDs invariably ends up crying and there is always a fight with DD1, who keeps running away in the middle of getting washed because she thinks it's funny.

I am ranting now

Better take myself off to bed. Thanks everyone for your support, feeling a bit better!

Not being there for bedtime is bad news. but i've told you-stay away and let him do it.
Don't be a martyr.It's unattractive.
Why is there so much washing and ironing?

Right, so had a chat with him last night and said he's got to be home for bedtime at least once a week, plus pick the girls up and put them to bed once a week. I will get a couple of hours to myself on Saturday morning. Have also been talking about going for a weekend away with a friend so I think I need to make that happen now. You're right, I must stop being a martyr.

Why is there so much washing? I don't know, just what two adults and two toddlers produce? They get very dirty at nursery, lots of messy play and water fights so often get through more than one outfit in a day. I always find snot traces on my t-shirts so they go in the wash. And DD1 still wets her pants every now and then.

YANBU at all... it is amazing how so many men think that a woman having a day off work involves looking after children and housework but their day off means a complete break from domesticity and a chance to pursue their own hobbies.

I got in from work yesterday, DH had had kids all day, and had done 4 hours ironing (allegedly) and other bits and pieces. So all good. But I was still expected to immediately "take over" the reins while he went and watched the telly. Whereas if he had been the one out at work all day, he would have come home and sat in front of the telly with the excuse that he had been at work all day.

Could you not get an extra hour or so from your cleaner so that he/she can help you with the laundry? And why not suggest that the nursery implements some kind of over-garment to protect their clothes, if they're coming home so dirty? At my DCs nursery they wore blue 'smocks' which were long-sleeved - it was a sort of uniform I suppose, and each one had a name tag on the front - which meant that they came home with clean clothes!

I would also - based on my own bitter experience! - make sure that you take some time off for yourself (doesn't matter if all you do is go to the park and sit with a book) and just tell your DH that you're going. Don't fall into the trap of asking if it's OK.

I would ensure he gets a day on his own - preferably 24 hours - my dh just didn't get how hard my 'days off' were until he had to do a few. He is much more helpful than he was before he was forced into a couple of days as SAHD. Divy up the weekends - we get one lie-in each, dh takes dd shopping so I get a couple of hours to myself, he often takes an afternoon out, we try to make it fair.

I have similar issues with my DH -- I imagine many of us do. I have found that having discussions with him about this topic just doesn't work. If I complain, or suggest that I need more help in a general way, it goes nowhere. I have to say, "I need to go shopping" and leave. Or I hand him DD as I get into the shower. He almost always does what I need without even thinking about it. But if I try to have a discussion he resists.

I was gone for 1.5 hours to get my hair done and when I returned (after 2 panicked phonecalls from DH) he said, "You know, I can kind of appreciate a bit better how hard your days must be." I said, "I WAS ONLY GONE AN HOUR AND A HALF. TRY IT FOR 18 HOURS."

Keeping all the family's needs in your head and struggling to meet them is the biggest job of all, and if you're not the person in charge of it, you just don't get it. That's why he thinks he's pulling his weight -- because you are doing the biggest job and he doesn't know. Unfortunately, it is not possible to explain this to him.

I think you need to make sure he sticks to that deal to be home once a week for bedtime, but I think you also need to sort out the mornings. Tell him 'I need to be in the shower at X time, so unless you want to wait until afterwards then you need to be finished by Y time'.

You have a cleaner, he cooks and he shops. These are all good things. I would suggest though getting the cleaner to do an extra hour and then they can do a couple of extra jobs or some ironing/folding washing or whatever.

Also - why did you help him organise the stag do? He is your husband not your child and if he wants to go away and have fun then he is old enough to sort it out for himself.

Ah the joys of single-parenthood when one has a feckless DP.

Okay, so this is a bit out there but it sounds to me like it's getting a little bit competitive suffering? In other words, it's not that you mind what you do but you don't want him to be having fun while you do it?

Maybe you and DH need a bit of time together without the pressures of childcare? Is it possible you could find someone to take the DCs or even have a day off midweek together when you take the DCs to nursery? I appreciate that it often isn't that easy but competitive suffering can be quite a destructive cycle.

Okay, so let me get this straight:

He works fulltime
He spends his mornings showering rather than spending time with his daughters
He chooses to work late in the evening rather than come home and have dinner/chat to/do bedtime/spend time with his daughters
He spends his weekends on stag dos, out with friends, playing sport, rather than spending time with his daughters.

And in 48 posts, no-one has said "Why choose to have children if you're not going to spend time with them"?

I am entirely unsurprised by this.

'Keeping all the family's needs in your head and struggling to meet them is the biggest job of all, and if you're not the person in charge of it, you just don't get it. That's why he thinks he's pulling his weight -- because you are doing the biggest job and he doesn't know. Unfortunately, it is not possible to explain this to him.'

Teapot, I think you've hit the nail on the head there. No matter how much he helps, I'll still be the manager of home life, the one who knows where everything is kept, what goes in the nursery bags, when they need to go for jabs etc. I will just have to accept that won't I.

Still, lots of great advice here, thanks everyone.

Is it wrong that the thought of spending a whole day or a whole weekend with DH leaves me cold.... I'd rather have my DDs there as well?

Oh, and I helped him organise the stag do because they are going to a town in Germany that I have lived in so I know my way around and can phone venues and arrange deals for them in German. I didn't mind doing that, but I did mind that he wasn't as grateful for it as I would have liked!