AIBU to think that repeating a nasty comment

[BAFE]

that someone else made about another person is as bad as saying it yourself.

Today, one of my friends (well, I thought she was my friend) thought that she would tell me of a nasty bitchy comment that someone made about my teeth.

Now, I'm willing to go with the majority of you here, but I'm thinking, there's no need to repeat nasty comments and that people who do so are just using that as an excuse to make the nasty comment themselves and be hurtful.

I mean, why else would someone do that?

I'm with you OP. In some circumstances it is helpful to warn the person who is being bitched about but most of the time it is just stirring and often done in a fundamentally dishonest way - 'I am your friend so I think you ought to know....' etc.

I think it really depends.

If a good friend, they may want you to have a heads up that someone you think is nice, is actually talking about you behind your back

OTOH - I think someone who reports something like this may be deemed a gossip, and therefore not to be trusted.

YANBU. It's like when people say "no offence, but..." they clearly DO mean 'offence' - otherwise they wouldn't think of saying "no offence" would they!

I feel she had more to gain by repeating it that you did by knowing -

If it was me I would stop the person making the remark, or walk away and then if the person they were slagging off ever spoke about what a great friend/wonderful person they were I would just tell them nicely to watch themselves.

The only thing she had to gain by telling you was causing you to be hurt.

So no YANBU.

I honestly think she enjoyed telling me, and seeing my face.

Another women who is not a personal friend of mine but I do socialise with her because she's in our group and I've always got on well with made the comment. I'd rather not have known. tbh.

-- just to add, - I would expect a good friend to tell me something like this if I asked them, but otherwise, I wouldn't expect it (and nor has it ever happened to me).

I don't think I've ever told anyone else that someone's been speaking about them, but then that generally wouldn't happen anyway, as people don't generally slag off people in front of their friends

A good friend would protect people from hurtful comments, not reinforce them.

whats wrong with your teeth?

X post - well then BAFE, seems like your instinct was correct.

YANBU - some people just like to stir.

whats wrong with my teeth?

Well, nothing much in the grand scheme of things. Just a bit on the yellow side. I'm a bit sensitive about it but, what the hell, I'm not crying myself to sleep or anything. Or pitying myself.

yanbu some take a little bit too much pleasure in repeating stuff.

I've got to go out now but be back in a few hours.

Has anyone got any good advice about what I should do or say if something similar happens again.

I agree, I don't think there was any need to tell you this

I would say 'Well thats a bit hurtful and you felt the need to tell me . . .' and just leave a silence for her to fill.

Is she well-meaning but tactless or genuinely a bit of a stirrer?

I've known both categories of people and if it was the former - I'd just ignore it to be honest.

mark twain said "It takes your enemy and your friend, working together to hurt you to the heart; the one to slander you and the other to get the news to you?

very true.

I think that it is just as spiteful to rush to someone and say "guess what so-and-so said about you..." with such delight in their voice, as it is to say it in the first place.

Maybe quote mark twain at her or say "actually, I don't need to know what she's saying behind my back, thanks."

and for god's sake make sure you don't say anything to this person about anyone else because she'll probably break her neck to tell them!

I think she's most likely jealous of you for some reason and took the opportunity to bring you down.

If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all.

Passing on the nasty remark was a crappy thing for your so-called friend to do.

I am going to go against the grain here.....

what happens when you find out that friend 1 actually isn't that good a friend and has been saying rotten things behind your back? AND then find out friend 2 KNEW and did not tell you? isnt this just a variation on someone trying it on with your fella and another friend telling you?

I personally would want to know - but you know what the informer is like and what her "motives" were

YANBU

People say things behind your back all the time. It can't hurt you if you don't know about them (presuming they're not actually slandering you). I've got a friend who does this - she relays the comments of one particular person to everyone she bitches about, and it really annoys all the recipients

It's silly isn't it. No one is perfect. And even 'perfect' people attract criticism.

So passing it on is quite mean.

I love the Mark Twain quote.

Yanbu

I totally agree with you - a true friend would just keep it to temselves

Yanbu OP. She sounds like a shit-stirrer!

Everyone says things about other people behind their backs. As long as it's nothing serious, your other friends really shouldn't tell you about it.