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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"Do you mind if I smoke?"

111 replies

Joy27 · 29/06/2010 15:48

It's a rhetorical question really, isn't it? Do smokers really expect the answer to ever be "yes"?

Yes, I do mind if my friends smoke in my garden then want to cuddle my baby.
Yes, I do mind if they smoke when we're in the park with our kids metres away.
Yes, I do mind if we're having a nice drink outside and I have to sit in a cloud of their smoke.

I know it's their choice and it's legal etc etc. But when it's unpleasant for the person with them, would it be reasonable for that person to say yes, they do mind? It would create a very awkward atmosphere imo.

Farting is legal as far as I'm aware, but imagine if I said to a friend "you don't mind if I sit here farting, do you?"

I don't really see the difference. Both smelly, antisocial habits.

(ps I know I sound sanctimonious. I'm an ex-smoker so it's the law )

OP posts:

Tidey · 29/06/2010 18:30

I don't really see how smoking and farting are comparable - ys they both smell and are rather unpleasant, but farting isn't a habit you can give up, I think you'll find everyone has to a certain number of times a day on average

If someone does ask, it should be a genuine question that you can say 'yes I do mind' to.

louloulouise · 29/06/2010 19:01

My BIL once said this after a meal with my DH present - my DH says he replied 'Well, do you mind if I take a shit on the table then?'. BIL kind of lost his temper after that according to DH, makes me piss myself every time he tells me that story, BIL obviously never thought anyone would have an objection

giveitago · 29/06/2010 19:02

So why does the number of people smoking define chavviness. It either is or isn't.

I don't think it is - however many people are doing it - it's an addiction.

I think alot of British people are addicted to achohol - the one when then get in from work - is it chavvy - no - it's an addiction - a very british one.

Ladyanonymous · 29/06/2010 19:05

Guests stood outside my house in the street drinking or taking crack or sunbathing would be chavvy too -

and before you go any further down the addiction route - yes I am aware.

AliGrylls · 29/06/2010 19:05

OP - you are right you do sound sanctimonious. All smokers ask now because they know that a lot of people don't like it - you are perfectly entitled to say yes I do mind and if you do manage to get those words out of your mouth before a cigarrette has gone to their lips they will usually not do it. Please don't feel the need to be polite saying "no I don't mind" then expect a person to not light up.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/06/2010 19:07

giveitago I think that "smoking on the street" used to be a "common" thing to do as defined by people like my mum

Have you read allen carr's easyway to quit smoking?

Ladyanonymous · 29/06/2010 19:09

If I had a large front garden it wouldn't bother me but I have a small pathway and a little wall - its a Victorian street and said guests were blocking the pavement which I thought was a bit .

southeastastra · 29/06/2010 19:10

smoke is good for keeping insects off plants so ok in the garden

giveitago · 29/06/2010 19:17

I think it's perfectly reasonable for someone to say no to smoking either inside or outside their home. I smoke but noone is allowed to smoke in my home. I have no issues saying it - no smokers I know even ask.

I've read allen carr - and that's why I don't think it's chavvy - it's very psychological - so psychological that I haven't smoked for 12 hours now and I thought I was a really smoker.

I'm off now - not to smoke - do NOT send messages of good will as that will get me smoking again. I'm in an bizzare situation and not smoking - so let me not continue - you continue the thread - I'm off to see how healthy I can be and for how long.
Oooh - and it's nothing to do with this thread - I cannot smoke around kids - I was on a very long school trip and I was fine - didn't even think about it - so off to continue not thinking about it!!!!

Ooooh

Ladyanonymous · 29/06/2010 19:20

IMO as an addictions counsellor I think Alan Carr is a bit .

Don't know anyone who has managed to stay off the fags for a good number of years on it but am prepared to be corrected and at the end of the day its what works for you - but you have to want it.

RunawayWife · 29/06/2010 19:28

When people ask me do you mind if I smoke I say yes

ImSoNotTelling · 29/06/2010 19:48

As a person who has had addictions I find allen carrs approach a breath of fresh air, and a highly successful.

Looking at all of the people I know who have used him to quit smoking, and have packed it in for good.

Speaking only as a layman

You haven't been an addict and used it - to dismiss something which has worked for so many people is narrow-minded IMO.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/06/2010 19:49

My experience of addiction councellors is that they are are ineffective at best and cause damage to the people they are supposed to help, at worst.

Speaking as a layman.

Ladyanonymous · 29/06/2010 19:52

I said I was prepared to stand corrected - I have however read it - not to mention he did actually die of lung cancer - a very rich man.

I do not know anyone who has used it and remained a non-smoker for more than a year or two and then of course they pay another £175 to go to another seminar .

littlesez · 29/06/2010 19:54

I once got asked at 9 months pregnant"do you mind if i smoke?"

I really wanted to say are you fucking insane we are in a car and im 9 months pregnant! but I didnt because I don't like confrontation and it was her car. She looked stressed and you could tell she really needed her fag. Stoopid me for not speaking up but it pisses me off that she even considered it really

I have to sit on the fence I am afraid. When I smoked I didnt care I just knew I needed a fag so smoked wherever and whenever I could. I am ashamed to say that as a teenager I even smoked around my nephews Disgusting and very wrong. So I didnt even ask people. Smoking is such a dredful addiction, it took me 8 years from 1st attempt to finally cracking it. What a fucking waste. I totally agree that is is very psychological and complex.

From my point of view now I cannot tolerate any smoking anywhere near me or my baby even in the street but not been in a situation where it has been close up. Most people I know don't smoke now.

So I don't think your being unreasonable and I also find it hard to say yes I mind. Maybe as other people have said your reply could be "I'd rather you didn't" you could add "near the children"

ImSoNotTelling · 29/06/2010 19:55

Yes he died of lung cancer many years later, and not surprising given the years he was on 100 fags a day. If he hadn't stopped he would have been dead years sooner.

It's a fiver.
It's a book.
It has worked for loads of people. And those who dont quit with it, find it changes their entire mindset towards their addiction, they understand it much better, and it gets them to that "place" which enables them to quit more easily with more conventional methods.

I always recommend it to smokers who want to give up. If it doens't work, it's a fiver, or from the library, where is the harm?

Where is the harm in that, that would cause someone who is supposed to help with addictions, on a thread which has at least one person on it who wants to quit, to dismiss it out of hand with a ???

Just pathetic really.

littlesez · 29/06/2010 19:56

Oh I used allen carr to beat the psychological stuff and really really helped but could never get through the cravings with just that so used champix, the drug. fabulous

Ladyanonymous · 29/06/2010 19:58

But did I disrespect you or your opinion or say you were pathetic or wrong or push what worked for me onto you?

No. I don't believe I did.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/06/2010 19:59

WTF are you talking about seminars?

Everyone knows that Allen Carr wrote a BOOK.

All of my friends smoked. Now none of them smoke. All with allen carr. All with one copy that was passed from person to person over the years. I think allen carr's legacy is fantastic and to cast aspersions towards a dead man who has helped so many people, that he was a con-man only interested in money, i find that quite revolting acyually.

Seriously i am pissed off.

If you are discouraging your clients from reading it then you are doing them a huge disservice IMO. If it works, great. If it doesn't, where the harm? Where's the fucking harm.

FFS.

Ladyanonymous · 29/06/2010 20:01

I would be sacked if I recommended that my clients used his book.

Seriously - are you related to him or what?

Its just one way - which was right for you.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/06/2010 20:01

So I should not recommend something that I know can work really well, to people who want to give up smoking?

When people say "ooh I really want to give up smoking" I should not mention the book that has been so great for so many people. Instead I should, ooh, say they should speak to a professional? I don't know, maybe recommend an addictions councellor? Double FFS.

ImSoNotTelling · 29/06/2010 20:05

Of course I'm not related to him

What are you on about?

Start a thread on here "Tell me about smoking and allen carr" and you will find it's not just me evangelising. I would have thought as an addictions councellor you would be keen and interested to find inexpensive and effective ways to help people with their addictions. Apparently not.

LunaticFringe · 29/06/2010 20:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ImSoNotTelling · 29/06/2010 20:07

Do you work privately or on the NHS or for another service?

You seem extremely prejudiced about this.

You really stop people from going to the library to read a book, even though you are aware that at best it will help them quit, and at worst no harm will be done at all?

I'm flabbergasted actually.

diggingintheribs · 29/06/2010 20:12

I always say if I mind and that is in my house or garden and in confined spaces. Otherwise if someones smoking is bothering me I will move away.

These days smokers tend to be more considerate and won't puff in your face or, the worst, hold their cigarette out so the smoke is going into your face not theirs!

Re smoking round pregnant women - at 8 months I was at MIL where they smoke in kitchen only (open plan house so kind of irrelevant). I was making a cup of tea and she said "you need to leave now, I'm going to smoke' - she didn't even wait for me to bin the teabag and leave before lighting up!!

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