To not want people to judge by my DC's height?

[OTTMummA]

My DS is now on the 99th percentile for height, and 80th for weight, he is not fat, or even chubby, but he looks very much older than 2.4 yrs old.
Infact when we were looking at Nurserys we were often take to the 4 yr old room by mistake.
but recently there have been a few new staff at his nursery and they have been asking me about his development etc any worries we have etc.
I was slightly about having to fill out a sheet telling them what i expect him to be doing at certain stages etc a few days ago.

There have been other instances of people expecting too much from him etc.
He is, i am assured by his consultant and family doctor progressing perfectly on track and there is nothing to worry about.

I am actually very worried about this as when i was small i was always very much taller than my peers and was expected to do far more than what i could dispite me being actually quite a bright child, this has since created some self esteem issues, and i abandoned formal education before i would of if i had been left to it.

I still feel now like a bumbling giant who can't do anything right, this stops me from doing things i would really love to do.

I do not want my DS to grow up feeling like this

I am aware of his limits and what he is capable of, and just try to enjoy him and make sure i show him lots and read to him etc.

but i have noticed family members starting to react differently to, A. his behaviour, & B. what he can and can't do yet etc.

Im finding it really hard to deal unemotionally with them as im taking it personally.

does anyone else have problems like this, if so how do you deal with it effectively?

I have had problems with all three of my boys. DH is 6'4'' and it looks like they are set to tower over him. DS1 is 7 and wears 9-10, DS2 is 4 and wears 6-7 and DS3 is 19 months and will soon be wearing 2-3.

The worse problems were with DS2 as he has ASD and very tall and people always assumed that as an older child he should be behaving better than what he was. Even at toddler groups, he towered over the other children but was one of the youngest. He is on the 97th percentile for height.

it is very annoying at times, but there is nothing you can do about it sadly.

YABU - we have a similar problem. DD not quite as high on the centiles but is tall, skinny and looks much older (she's just turned 3).

her speech is quite unclear (though her use of language, grammar, vocab etc is brilliant) so people seem to think she's stupid

she's also really confident and social in playgrounds etc and older kids think she's older too, but then don't understand her.

my DH was really upset last year when DD was running around with some other kids and they called her stupid when she tried to talk

wait... I meant YANBU obviously

YANBU

I get this a bit with my son, he's 99th centile for height, 75th for weight. He looks beyond his not quite 3 years. His speech is really excellent too for his age (soooo advanced ) so people expect a lot of him, but sometimes I think I expect too much of him and sometimes have to remind myself.

He still wants me to carry him sometimes and be a bit of a babe-in-arms and sit on me all the time (probably because he has a new baby sister) and people say things to make him feel he shouldn't want cuddles...but he's not even 3. Poor wee chap. It was the same for me, then I abruptly stopped growing at 11 and haven't grown since and remain an unremarkable 5 foot 5. Boo!

yes, MMM, DS isn't speaking in full scentences yet, and the other day i walked in to find DFIL getting angry with him for not reciting " three lions on a shirt " properly

I had to just pick up DS and walk out fuming

I can handle strangers being shocked when they find out DS is only 2.4 yrs old, they are never rude actually, only family, or family friends etc its depressing, espcially when he gets compared to another toddler in the family ( girl ) who is shorter/younger but already chatting away and more socialy advanced.
But shes been in nursery a lot longer, they don't seem to understand.

DD1 is the same - very tall - she is 4 now but looks around 6 or 7. Since she was about 2 people have assumed she is older than she is. The most common is complete strangers asking me why she isn't in school
I would say that asking about developmental worries is a standard question so I wouldn't worry to much about that.
Its very difficult to not let your own personal experience cloud your parenting - I have real issues with school and am having to do a lot of swallowing and thinking just because it happened to me it doesn't mean it will happen to dd.
If I feel she is being judged I tend to do some loud parenting - 'oh what a clever 4 yr old!' or 'I know you're only 4 but you really shouldn't do that' - not for her but everyone else in ear shot!
Don't know if that helps?

Unless you're going to go round saying to everyone not to talk about your DS and his height again and again, you might just have to accept that people will judge how old he is by it.

I'm sure you're careful that your own experiences don't affect how your DS feels about his height, but he might not have the same negative reactions to people expecting more from him.

I'm only playing devils advocate (and so might be talking shit), but is it possible that instead of holding him back, your DS might actually learn things he wouldn't normally have done, just because people are singling him out for 'special' treatment?

oh and don't worry i won't be teaching him how to spell, he will be better than me by 5 lol!

I've just been out buying new nighties for my 6yoDD - I've had to by age 11-12 nighties in order to guarantee the fit and more than a month or two's wear. She looks very tall and capable beside her tiny classmates, but I know she still needs loads of support and guidance.
I've always encouraged her to say out loud when she needs some help/doesn't understand something and told her that it's fine to add 'after all I am only '. I'm not sure how often she actually uses this approach - but she seems to find having a 'just in case plan' very reassuring.

My DD1 was exactly the same. She is now aged 10 and wears age 13-14 clothes. Skinny but tall.

We all expected too much from her because she looked and acted so much older than she was/is.
Dont let your personal experience get in the way of how your son grows up. He will enjoy being the tallest. His development might be slightly slower because his brain has to catch up with his body but when he is older he will be just fine.

My DD is only really now joining everything up. Her brain is finally at one with her body. She can catch a ball & everything.
She is also on the G&T register so swings and roundabouts.

I had this with ds at 3 he was huge and I would be asked when he was starting school what made it worse was that he has and he could barely talk when he went on meds at 6 his growth slowed down and he's only just caught up in the last 2 years.

My brother/SIL dd is 5 who looks about 8. She is very tall, has long blonde thick hair and already has had some comments/a wolf whistle from boys of about 11 thinking she is older, whilst her sister who is 2 years younger still has that babyish quality to her. And of course ppl expect her to behave older than she is - my own father is guilty of this - and see her behaviour as brattish rather than that of a typical 5 year old.

My brother is quietly watchful and the sort of parent who the kids all climb over so at this stage dn is very supervised (and I can't see this changing tbh!) whilst SIL will say "Well, she is only 5" and can be polite but firm.

Imo it is easier for boys to be taller than for women though, so your experience won't probably be his, plus you are so aware of the pitfalls.

Re the nursery speak to the manager and find out where they are coming from on this - if they are making this mistake, you can quickly put them right. When he is ready for school you can also put your concerns on the handover information.

At least they will come first in all the races on school sports day (speaking as someone with two mini dcs who everyone towers over).

It is very irritating but I'm not sure what can be done about it, apart from pointing out every time it happens that the child in question is only X years old.

It's not just adults, either. When ds was 2, he was playing with an older kid in the park. Suddenly on the climbing frame older kid noticed ds had a nappy on (as he stretched) and started laughing at ds. Bless him, though, when I explained ds was only two, he was quite embarrassed and carried on playing very nicely.

I find it a bit annoying that people constantly exclaim 'isn't he tall' in front of ds. Like we hadn't noticed! Understand they are just saying something for the sake of saying hello but you know, makes me wonder how ds will feel if everyone els

oops!

everyone else keeps growing and he plateaus so they overtake him, I meant! (Unlikely to happen, tbh, looking at dh and FIL.)

I have fallen into this trap a bit with DS1 now 6 (a bit over 91st centile). He is a summer birthday so in yr2 and second youngest in his year. Sometimes I think that he is being "babyish" and then have to remind myself that he is very much a child and no matter how old he looks or sounds he is just a little boy.

I remember one of my work colleagues almost kissing me when reminding her that her son wasn't exceptionally naughty just that he was a normal 2 year old having a tantrum, he just looked like a 4 year old hence the disapproving looks

We too have this often. DS has just turned 4 and wears 6-7 clothes. He's over the top of the 99.6 centile for height by about a millimetre - always has been. We are both very tall and I too had the same problems you did. I have no qualms of frequently saying "he's only just turned 4" or whatever. I don't use it to excuse bad behaviour but I will stand up for him if I think he's being unfairly treated. He will be one of the youngest in his school class and have to confess I am a little worried about this because he looks SO much older than most reception age children, and he's bright, but emotionally not advanced at all. At his sports day last year (so just turned 3) he was put in the races against the rising 5's and it just seemed so unfair because he didn't have the same coordination. But he didn't seem to care. I guess you just have to fight the battles where they are necessary.

my brother was really tall for his age and when we went to swimming classes they put him with my sister in the 7 year old classes instead of the 4 year olds by mistake, when he wouldn't put his face in the water the teacher tried to force him too, till my sister told them he was only 4...

no advice really but other than this isolated story can't think of any other problems my brother faced and he has turned out just fine.

We are in the same boat. DS2 is 3 and is the same height as some of the reception children at school!

Me and DH are tall and DS1 who is 8 is tall, but in the last year or so, they have all evened out in his class, he is still one of the tallest.

Also stop looking at those damm charts, they make you nuts eg: too big too small, too fat to thin. Chuck them in the bin. There is not a checklist in the universe of what an child of a certain aga should or should not be doing, each do things at their own pace and own way. It is an unmeasurable thing.

The nursery things seems very odd, are you in the UK?

I think you should tell everyone to mind their own business and not make any sort of big deal with it. He is not you and your issues are not his.

People are friggn rude and nosey, would you dream of going up to another child and saying 'oh you are so ginger, ugly, freckly, short, fat, bog eyed etc etc' No. So why people bang on about this tall thing I have no idea!

I say when people comment, 'yes' it's great isn't it' I used to hate being tall at school I got called Daddy Long Legs, Stork SB after the margerine, Lanky Lewis - but everyone else got called names too. Just life.

Tall is good. Be positive.

Is it me, or are some of the reactions of the adults in the posts just universally not on, regardless of the childrens height?

Nobody should be doing a catsbum mouth at a child having a strop like tylers colleagues DS.

And teaching children to swim, whatever their age, shouldn't require the teacher to force children to put their faces in the water if they don't want to.

Is it possible that if you have your DCs height in your mind that you could project it onto other peoples intentions? When in fact they're not thinking about it at all? (although mistaking a 4 YO for 7 doesn't fit into that )

This is an interesting thread for me. My DD is going to be tall - her Dad is 6'5" and she's quite solid. Somewhere over 90th on both counts.

I do worry in particular about how other children will respond to her when she goes to school. Adults I'm not so bothered about, though she's not in nursery yet so maybe that would change. Actually though, I'm trying to ignore these worries because I wonder if it could become a self-fulfilling prophecy in the end. The more you try to make someone feel they are not different, the more that difference is highlighted... maybe?

However, I do secretly, in competitive parent mode, love the fact that she's way taller than her friends. She'll always be best at that, regardless of anything else she struggles with or excels at! Plus of course, she's bound to be a super model (with her mother's looks etc....)

By the way, my DH didn't seem to struggle with his height and he's lovely for it. A cliched gentle giant and I love his hugeness, it makes him extra special. Sorry if that's too slushy!

Guess I'm saying try to celebrate the uniqueness.

interesting thread, my dd is very tall for her age

and people expect too much from her

but they also seem to see it as, wow is't she good being so tall, like it some kind of achievement!

better than being a short arse i guess!
like me

People bang on about it because it's seen as a good thing caro. When children were/are brought up on a starvation diet they were small, so it's a compliment that your child is thriving, even though it may just be genetic.

Saying 'ooo she's such a huge baby' doesn't make me think 'stop commenting on how big DD2 is at six months', I just say, 'yes, she's a whopper' and like mad.

I'm sure the parents of children who are smaller than the average have the same feelings.

Who'd want a child who's 'average' in everything though?? Not me

Yes, YANBU but I think you just have to grow a thick skin.

My DD is off the scale for height and now aged 4 is as big as a 6 year old.

I think even if people know their age they get treated as how old they seem.

Yes I get comments why isn't she is school etc which you just have to deal with.

I think it's worth remembering that your DC listens. My DD has started saying i'm bigger than all my friends..so when replying to people i'm very concious to be positive about her height.

We currently get at least a couple of comments a week.

Make sure any activities etc know your child's correct DOB - not just assumption.