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AIBU?

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Original poster

DP being controlling - how would you have reacted?

43 replies

FriedEggNBacon · 29/06/2010 08:16

11pm last night DP announces that he is tired and going to bed. I say "ok, I'll be up soon, I'm just going to chat to my friend on msn for a bit". (I'd earlier promised her that I'd be on msn before bedtime, she's having troubles etc). He wasn't happy and said "well, how long will you be?" I said "Don't know, not long" so he says "yeah, and we know how long your 'not longs' are. You'll be down here for hours".
I said "well, you go to bed, I'll be up when I've finished!".
So he stomps upstairs. An hour later I'm still chatting to a distraught bf on msn, he comes down squinting his eyes, makes a point of looking at the clock and says "how much longer? you've been down here an hour, you said you wouldn't be long". So I said "well, I'm talking to a friend! I shouldn't have to abide by a time-limit" so he said "but you said you wouldn't be long, I knew you'd do this".
I said "Look, you don't need me to come to bed with you, stop being so bossy and go to bed, I'll be up when I'm ready"
So he flopped down on the sofa next to me and refused to go back to bed until I came with him

AIBU to think this is highly bloody controlling and pathetic?

OP posts:
Original poster
FriedEggNBacon · 29/06/2010 08:17

Sorry, just to add I don't often stay up after Dp, I can't even remember the last time I did so its not as if its a regular thing. It was a one off occasion where I wanted to talk to my friend in private and I wasn't "allowed"

OP posts:
racmac · 29/06/2010 08:17

perhaps he was just after a bit of hanky panky
and was a bit put out that you hadother things on your mind.

I wouldnt from this think he was being controlling - stupid maybe unless there is a history?

tortoiseonthehalfshell · 29/06/2010 08:19

Is he controlling usually?

My partner and I have had these conversations before - well, not the dramatic flopping, but the coming downstairs to see where I was - and usually it means that he was hoping for some sex and wanted to know if it was worth waiting up.

Or just felt a bit neglected and wanted a cuddle.

But over the years we've talked, and I've convinced him that he's better off actually saying 'Do you want to come to bed now, pointed look, wink wink, etc' so as we both know the score. And there's no controlling history there, it's just his clumsy way of seeking a blow job some affection.

Is there a back story for you two?

traumaqueen · 29/06/2010 08:20

Blimey, do you always go to bed at the same time?

Could he have been being being whiney and pathetic and confused rather than controlling? Did he think you were rejecting him? Sounds more toddler than controller.

2rebecca · 29/06/2010 08:23

Husband and I prefer tp go to bed together.
Do you usually spend ages on the phone/msn to this friend? Thankfully my bloke doesn't do long phone calls but if he did and I knew he was going to be over 30 minutes and would rather talk to this friend than be with me I'd be a bit put out. 11pm is very late for phone calls, or contacting someone on msn. Why didn't you speak to the friend earlier if she was that important to you? The phone may be quicker if she's really having problems, I find MSN really slow and speaking much better for real conversations.
If it's a one off I think you were both being a bit unreasonable.

Lauriefairycake · 29/06/2010 08:24

yanbu

he's a twat and appears to think you should do his bidding

2rebecca · 29/06/2010 08:30

I don't think he's a twat. The op said she'd be up soon and was still at it an hour later. That's not soon.
I think when it gets late conversations can become circular and friend may have had a bit to drink anyway so be overemotional.
If friend is that upset 1 night isn't going to sort out her problems, you've been there for her, you can chat tomorrow.
Still don't get why not on phone with phone calls so cheap these days.

Sn0wflake · 29/06/2010 08:34

Unless there is a history of being controlling I think he just wanted you to come to bed with him for comfort (or nookie).

I find it very hard to get to sleep without my DH in the bed so I sometimes get in a mini grump when he spends ages doing random things before coming to bed.

Don't read too much into it.

Kathyjelly · 29/06/2010 08:37

I'm not sure about controlling but definitely pathetic. If your DP can't understand that you have friends other than him and occasionally they need some of your time too, then he's a bit self centred isn't he. How old is he?

As for phone v msn, it doesn't matter does it? Whatever works for you.

pennyprincess · 29/06/2010 08:40

Do you know what I've done this to dh.
He sometimes stays up and plays his guitar (quietly) the noise does not disturb me. But I cant get off to sleep as I feel on edge as I know any minute he will come up and wake me (accidently) as he gets into bed. So I sometimes go down and ask him to come up. He gets a huff on and tells me I am not his mother!

Similarly dh works nights sometimes and when he comes in at 6 am. I hear the door go then he goes the bathroom and come to bed. If he does something different like goes and watches telly - it drives me mad as I lie awake waiting for him to start making a noise in the bathroom.

Suppose it all depends how light a sleeper dh is if he is being unreasonable. But I would have thought a one off to chat to a friend would be excused!

Kathyjelly · 29/06/2010 08:42

Oh, and I'd have ignored him and carried on typing until we'd finished the conversation. It's up to me what time I go to bed.

Tombliboob · 29/06/2010 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LadyintheRadiator · 29/06/2010 08:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fascicle · 29/06/2010 08:54

Did your dh know that you were supporting your friend, not just chatting?

I do think you misled your dh by initially saying you wouldn't be long, then later saying you shouldn't have to abide by time-limits. It doesn't sound like you managed his expectations.

Bucharest · 29/06/2010 08:57

If he just wanted a bit of a romp, fair enough.

If he objects to you using MSN/facebook/all these other internetty things just because then he's being out of order.

Would he, for example,have had the same reaction had you been chatting on the phone to a friend in need? I'm guessing probably not. There seems to be some correlation between controlling men and paranoia over internet use generally speaking. I know a couple of people IRL whose partners have flipped over them using the internet.

haoshiji · 29/06/2010 09:16

"I do think you misled your dh by initially saying you wouldn't be long, then later saying you shouldn't have to abide by time-limits. It doesn't sound like you managed his expectations. "

Wow, makes it sound like a court case -

Managed his expectations? What gives. You are doing something, he went to bed. End of story surely.

I would have just said, I'll be up when I'm finished - byeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

Not that I would imagine DH grumping about, he would have just gone to bed.

Just sounds like a one off, tied not thinking situation?

Ozziegirly · 29/06/2010 09:19

Well I quite like going to bed at the same time as DH - it's a nice time to have a cuddle or whatever and also from a practical perspective, he will wake me up if he comes up much later, and so I end up lying there thinking "Come on".

But if there is a good reason then I obviously wouldn't mind - if I was going to bed early or DH wanted to finish watching a boring prog about bridges or big guns or something.

JacobBlacksBitch · 29/06/2010 09:25

sounds like the 'gotobedpolice' have called at yours OP.

I'd just say "I'm a big girl & I can get myself to bed on my own thank you very much, now off you trot sunshine"

It's really strange he got up after an hour though - perhaps he just wanted some loving?

mistressploppy · 29/06/2010 09:37

I'm to say I do this to DH sometimes. I think he was just being a bit pathetic and let it go too far!

Sort of flattering, really.....

Cretaceous · 29/06/2010 09:45

He probably hadn't been able to get to sleep, expecting you up at any minute and disturbing him. Then got grumpy, because he wasn't asleep. Then got even grumpier going down to see what had happened to you .

Next time, say you'll be a couple of hours. If he still gets annoyed, you might have a point.

SloanyPony · 29/06/2010 12:15

I usually go to bed at the same time as my DH. If I dont, I have to go up and "tuck him in".

He has this bizarre bedtime ritual which includes checking the children and "kitty cuddles" with the cat.

It all takes about 20 minutes if not longer, by which time I've given up and decided to go to bed anyway

TheSmallClanger · 29/06/2010 12:20

It sounds like he was just being a bit needy and whiney rather than controlling. He may well have planned a bit of sex.

Don't get too hung up about it unless it becomes very regular.

DH and I are both crap sleepers so this situation very rarely occurs. We're always prowling around at night.

lovechoc · 29/06/2010 12:22

Oh dear - I do this to DH all the time

I didn't realise how annoying it is

minipie · 29/06/2010 12:27

Er, I don't think he was being controlling.

I think he just wanted you to go to bed at the same time as him and got a bit sulky when you didn't. If you usually go to bed at the same time then I can see why he might have got a bit annoyed. Either of me or my DH might well have behaved much the same if the other one wanted to stay up.

If getting a bit sulky when your spouse doesn't do what you want is controlling... well, I suspect we're all controlling.

Intergalactic · 29/06/2010 12:31

I have this sometimes with my DH - I will go to bed and if he says he's coming up 'soon'/'in a minute' then I'll read or whatever until he comes up, as there's no point trying to fall asleep for him to disturb me five minutes later. If he then takes an hour or more I'll be pissed off - not because I mind him staying up as such, but because if he'd told me how long he was going to be in the first place, I could have just gone to sleep! Grrr! It makes me mad. Having explained all this to him, he is better now. Also, if he says he's going to be 'just a minute' I say 'are you sure? I don't mind if you're longer, I just want to know if I should try to sleep' and he'll often say 'actually, I might be a while'. Simples.