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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP being controlling - how would you have reacted?

43 replies

FriedEggNBacon · 29/06/2010 08:16

11pm last night DP announces that he is tired and going to bed. I say "ok, I'll be up soon, I'm just going to chat to my friend on msn for a bit". (I'd earlier promised her that I'd be on msn before bedtime, she's having troubles etc). He wasn't happy and said "well, how long will you be?" I said "Don't know, not long" so he says "yeah, and we know how long your 'not longs' are. You'll be down here for hours".
I said "well, you go to bed, I'll be up when I've finished!".
So he stomps upstairs. An hour later I'm still chatting to a distraught bf on msn, he comes down squinting his eyes, makes a point of looking at the clock and says "how much longer? you've been down here an hour, you said you wouldn't be long". So I said "well, I'm talking to a friend! I shouldn't have to abide by a time-limit" so he said "but you said you wouldn't be long, I knew you'd do this".
I said "Look, you don't need me to come to bed with you, stop being so bossy and go to bed, I'll be up when I'm ready"
So he flopped down on the sofa next to me and refused to go back to bed until I came with him

AIBU to think this is highly bloody controlling and pathetic?

OP posts:
FellatioNelson · 29/06/2010 12:33

My DH is not remotely contrlling in usual circumstances, but he gets a bit jittery about my being on MN for too long. I think he thinks it might be a cover-story for some blossoming cyber love. Probably your DP is just feeling a bit insecure, that's all.

haoshiji · 29/06/2010 12:34

"Simples"

secunda · 29/06/2010 12:35

I don't think he was being controlling. You said you would be up in a bit and you weren't, you took an hour. If he'd gone to the pub and you'd rung to ask when he would be back and he said 'at nine' and then he was still there at 10.30, wouldn't you be annoyed? DP does this - says five mins when he means half an hour and it is irritating waiting for him

yabu

seeker · 29/06/2010 12:36

So is it "normal" to go to bed at the smae time? How very strange!

Revelry · 29/06/2010 12:41

I really can't see what his issue is, and I'm really puzzled by this thread. He was tired and wanting to go to bed, you were wanting to chat to your friend. What difference does it make whether you were 10 minutes or an hour? I don't understand why you going up to bed too was necessary for him to get to sleep. And why shouldn't you spend longer than you initially thought chatting to your friend? I'm just not getting why he's made a fuss.

If I'm tired and go to bed, I sometimes have no idea if dh has come up or not, sometimes he'll rouse me when he comes and sometimes I'm still watching tv. It's the same if he goes up first. What time the other person decides they want to turn in is down to them in our house.

lemonysweet · 29/06/2010 12:49

what revelry said.

he was probably after a bit of hanky panky.

if my DH did this i would laugh at him and throw him a teddy bear.

it is nice to go to bed together, but you dont need to do it every night!

and if my friend needed me, i am there.

some people on this thread need to rearrance their priorities i think.

upset friend who needs help
vs
'when i say il be there soon, i mean 10 mins' and a stroppy DH who needs you as his teddy bear or wanted sex.

theres times to deal with your man-child after. its not as if you were out and he worried where you were [and even so, if you're helping a friend like a good friend would, dont see why he would have a problem]

hairytriangle · 29/06/2010 14:22

It sounds like there is a deeper issue here, OP. I think you should discuss it with your DP.

Fluffyone · 29/06/2010 14:24

I don't think it's normal to go to bed at the same time... but... I sometimes ask my OH to come to bed. I don't want "hanky panky", I want to go to sleep, I have work in the morning. I am a light sleeper, and however quietly he tries to come to bed, he always wakes me up. So now, I can't get to sleep at all until he comes to bed, I guess because I know I'm going to be woken up again. It is enough to drive me mad.
With my DP this isn't a problem, he doesn't do it often and will realise the time if I remind him it's getting late and come to bed. When I was married, this staying up late was one way that my ExH used to control ME. He would stay up later and later, playing games, chatting to friends, knowing that I couldn't get to sleep and was getting more and more upset about it. Then, he'd go out like a light as soon as his head hit the pillow, leaving me wide awake in that state you get into when you are so tired you can't sleep.
So no, I don't think your OH is being controlling, I think it would be fair to at least come to bed after half an hour if you say you are going to.

veyron · 29/06/2010 14:37

I dont think he was being controlling. I think he 'fancied a bit'

upahill · 29/06/2010 14:45

Seeker and fluffyone. Well it is normal for DH and I to go to bed at the same time unless one of us going to be out very late say after 1.00am then the other one of us usually goes to bed.

No real reason why we do this but it suits us and has done for twenty odd years!!

minibmw2010 · 29/06/2010 15:05

Do you generally go to bed at the same time? We do (both have long commutes) and my DH likes to read for say 5 minutes which annoys me as I just like to turn the lights out. Everyone has different routines I guess.

Is he a light sleeper who would have woken up when you came up? That may have caused his grump? But as to the sitting down and waiting for you that's not on in my view. That's more childish than controlling.

plantsitter · 29/06/2010 15:13

Oh dear, I think I might do this too. I suppose it is annoying. But DP gets really grumpy when he goes to bed late and is mean in the morning, and that is really annoying too.

I think he fancied sex too.

NicknameTaken · 29/06/2010 15:13

It really depends if it's part of a pattern of controlling behaviour. Controlling men can be quite subtle in picking on small things that sound ridiculous to complain about (eg. mine made a fuss when I read the paper while watching TV because it cut into the "togetherness" of watching TV together). As part of a larger pattern, these smaller moments can add up to a real problem.

If it's a once-off, well, we all have our childish moments. Is your friend having man-trouble, by any chance? Sometimes talking to a person who is dealing with a controlling partner can make us attribute dire motives to our own P...

Hullygully · 29/06/2010 15:19

Are you both 86?

If not, what the fuck?

upahill · 29/06/2010 15:26

Hey Hully me and Dh are 86!!! We have been for the last 20 odd years when it comes to bed time. We have the usual routine. One of us will say 'Shall we go up now?' other says 'Why not?' then we have the putting the house to bed!!!! i.e DH will put the phones on charge, TV computer off, check doors are locked, all washing up done while I go to the bathroom and do all the make up removal stuff.

It's what we do and I like what we do!!

Hullygully · 29/06/2010 15:28

How much make-up do you wear fgs?

upahill · 29/06/2010 15:30

Hey come on!! I'm 86 remember!! I need all the help I can get.

firsttimemum77 · 29/06/2010 18:16

My neighbours EVERY night have a shouting match and now that the windows are open I hear it more!!!

Every night about 11pm the husband shouts 'x why aren't you upstairs yet?' and she'll shout some abuse and he'll tell her she does this every night and she shouts more abuse and he shouts back! Goes on for at least an hour!!! I just don't get it! I go to bed when I want to and dh when he wants to! I didn't think there was a 'get into bed at the same time' marriage clause!

YANBU - your DH is! and if anything, in this heat I would prefer the bed to myself, so I can spread eagle.

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