to think that my brother should keep his opinions to himself?

[CrosswordGeekWantsChange]

I've lived with my Mum since I was a couple of months pregnant with DD, and the dynamic worked great. It's a (small) three bedroom house. There was a room for each of us.

However, after some horrible shit in my brother's life, he has now moved back in, which means I am sharing a bed & room with my Mum. I pay her £200 a month towards all of the bills etc, and have done since I first moved in. I also buy all of DDs stuff, and at least one food shop a month.

Since my brother has been here, he has not paid anything. At first he had no money, but we have made him claim DLA & ESA. He now gets £120 a week, which will go up when he's out of assessment stage of ESA to £170 - more than what I get for myself and DD. He has not paid my Mum a penny of this money, he expects for us to buy his food, buy his clothes and pay for diesel in the (shared) car. I have got myself into debt to support him, and I cannot cope with it anymore.

He has started berating my Mum and I about how much the shopping bill is (near £100 a week), but most of it is stuff for him as he always wants fresh meat. It used to be £50 a week. He bitches and moans that things that we buy for ourselves are occasionally thrown away because they haven't been eaten, but doesn't say anything when it's been bought for HIM and gets thrown away.

The money situation has arsed me off enough, but he has now started giving me hassle about the way that I raise DD. When we were both ill, DD wouldn't eat so was only being breastfed, and he told me that I was giving her my sickness and making her worse. He also tells me that I shouldn't feed her before her dinner, as she won't eat as much as she should.

DD is a mischievous little madam, who is crawling/climbing and generally getting into things she probably shouldn't. As far as I'm aware, this is pretty typical! But he keeps telling me that I should be punishing her, that when I tell her off, and move her away from things, when she cries I should just ignore her and not pick her up and kiss and cuddle her. She's a monkey and does annoy me sometimes, but I can't see how being horrible to her when she doesn't understand is going to help anything.

He doesn't want to take any advice about his own life, but is so happy to dish it out to all of us, and it is making me sick. I'm basically a full time carer for him, and he so rarely says thank you or appreciates what I do. He doesn't seem to care that I have given up my bedroom, and my ME space for him, as well as my time and social life. On top of this, there is a huge strain on my Mum and I as neither of us have any money anymore.

I think this has been more of a rant than anything else... but it has been cathartic to type it all out!

Well I don't understand why you and ypur mum don't ust make him contribute?

As for the comments about your parenting, just laugh at him and ignore him, or tell him outright that you don't appreciate his comments and he isn't in a position to critisise or comment.

Stand up for yourself. He's only like this because he gets away with being like this.

You either need to move out or your Mum has to put her foot down and spell out who pays for what.

yanbu but its your dm who needs to make him pay his way or kick him out. As a temporary solution could you not share a bedroom with your dd?

Stop financially supporting him. His situation is not your problem. I would not be happy about him staying long term. If you are paying rent then you are entitled to your own room. Did you and your mum agree that he could move in or was this just dumped on you? I think you need to be having a serious discussion with your mum as this is not a long term solution. For now though stop buying his food and helping him out and tell him that as he has made such a mess of his own life he is in no position to be telling you anything wrt how you raise your daughter.

My Mum is a pushover when it comes to him. The thing is, I KNOW that he is ill, and that his life is a crock of shit, but I feel that he uses it to his advantage sometimes.

Whenever my Mum says about him contributing, he has a shit fit and says he's going to leave, but then never does. Which makes my Mum feel really guilty.

I've mentioned moving out, as well as the fact that I want to go to College in September, and have been met with "But who will look after Brother if you're not here? He can't be left on his own". I can't even claim carers allowance because he only gets the lower rate of the care allowance within DLA, despite the fact he DOES need someone with him all the time.

I really want to move out, but don't want to live in a council house, as they are dire around here. I don't have enough spare cash anymore to save up either. I had £1500 in savings, as well as enough money to keep saving before he moved in. I now have no savings and I'm in my overdraft.

My Nan lent us £2k for a car, and everything else for it, I've paid for (MOT/Tax/Insurance/Service). She also gave my brother a seperate £3K towards his debts etc. IF it wasn't for this, I'd ask to borrow the £1500 for moving out, but she's cleared out.

I'm unable to go to one of my best friend's weddings (which is abroad) becase of it all, and it's taking it's toll. It's a lot to cope with when you're a new(ish) Mum, but noone seems to notice me in the equation. People feel for my Mum, as it's her house, and she works her arse off to support us, and my brother's ill so there's an "excuse" for him, and I'm sort of stuck in the middle and forgotten about.

I feel as though I'm being selfish :/

YANBU - you should tell him to fuck off! (sorry in a grump today)

he is walking over you & your Mum & it sounds to me like he knows three fiths of f**k all about pretty much everything. Gotta make him at least pay his way.

I was sleeping on the floor in DDs room for a while, but it's not long enough for me to actually lie down and stretch out (was sleeping on the floor, no room for a bed as well as a cot either!)

We've talked about soring out the bedrooms, but it requires getting rid of (MY!) brand new bed (that brother is currently sleeping in, nice waste of £300 for me!) and buying two single beds. Again, there's just not the money for it. There seems to be no answer for what the long term solution is going to be.

My Mum went away to London for 10 days to stay with her partner, and tends to go every fortnight too, and I get left to everything. Including buying all the food, whilst still paying her.

AHHH!

Also, he make so much MESS, and he always does it JUST AFTER I'VE CLEANED.

AHHH

I know it's hard (I've been through a similar situation with my lazy shit brother), but you need to get firm with your mum - without her back up she'll bail him out whenever you refuse to and then you end up having to bail him out so as to protect your mum (!).

So sit your mum down and have a firm word. Make it clear that, although your brother is ill and you support her in looking after him as necessary, that does not mean he is exempt from all adult responsibility. Tell her that if she doesn't support you in getting firm with your brother, then you will move out and you will not help her care for him. Then outline what needs to happen:

• Your brother needs to start contributing
• You and your mother must stop immediately paying for anything for your brother.
• No-one gives him the car keys until he starts filling the tank.

You have to prioritise yourself and your daughter - what are you going to do once he's bled you and your mum dry? Are you going to make your DD go without because you and your mum can't stand up to him?

So, hard as it will be to get tough with your mum, you have to do it for all your sakes.

I wish you luck!

It sounds awful for your CrosswordGeek.

I take it there is a reason why your brother has to be looked after if he is entitled to DLA.

However, that does not mean the household has to be run according to his whims. That is very unreasonable. It's appalling you have spent all your money supporting him when he is receiving this money and not contributing.

It strikes me that there's a reason why you and your mum feel you can't say no to him, and it's maybe tied in with his life situation - do you feel responsible for him?

Can he get out and about...if so why isn't he helping you, instead of criticising and generally being a pain in the butt?

so what are your options? It seems to me like either:

a) you and your mum sit down with your brother and tell him things can't continue as they are. He must contribute, end of. This obviously will require your mum's support to work......have you had a frank chat with her about the situation?

b) you move into your own council property with DD

c) you carry on as you are (essentially put up or shut up).

If your brother really needs full time care, can you not appeal the decision re carers allowance? Surely if he can't be left alone at all then a doctor should be able to verify this to the powers that be who make the decisions......I know how hard it can be to get DLA (my MIL had to appeal despite being disabled with MS and unable to walk)......it's worth pursuing it with them.

You are not being selfish. You brother will (and is)bleed you dry if this situation carries on. The money you've spent is gone now, but learn from it and don't give the ungrateful little shit another penny. Your priority is your daughter and she should not have to live like this. You must tell your mum that things have come to a head, that you will be going to college and not throwing your life away on this man. Start saving again. Can your mum not say she is throwing him out and then the council will have to house him? If your brother was lovely I would be saying to help him, but he sounds like a parasite and you don't want to wake up one day, with your life in ruins because of him. Being disabled does not give him an entitlement to care from you whilst treating you like shit

You are not being selfish but you and your mum are partly to blame for the way he behaves.
You both need to take a firm hand in sorting him out. If he is not paying his way, stop looking after him and buying his food. You don't have to pay for it.
Sell your bed and put the money in the bank, why should he have it if he will not contribute.
I really do feel for you but he will not change because he knows you two will do everything for him.

Your brother will behave as you and your mother allow him to behave. When he has a "shit fit" at being asked to contribute (great phrase btw!), persist. Ask him what he thinks the DLA and ESA he receives is actually for - and point out it is to pay for food, housing etc and that is what he must use it for.

If neccessary, bully your mother into it. Point out that it is not in his long-term interest to continue this way and that if she really wants to help him she must get him to take responsibility for himself.

And do not give up going to college, that is your long-term best interests.

Hi CG

Firstly- if he needs someone with him all the time then he is actually going to have to apply for a recalculation or take them to tribunal, so you can get CA. CA isn;t much (I get it for ds3, it really isn't!) but it all helps doesn't it?

go to college; he's your brother, if he cannot get a carer, get Social Services involved.

You ahve two sensible routes here plus the one where you and your Mum sit him down and force him to contribute; mind, I don't know what his illness is and whether that affevcts his comprehension or grasp of the importance: something like mental ehalth issues, or depression would, and depression can of course be associated with a diagnosis of something else.

You must also (the two routes I spoke of) either contact CAB or look online for your local carer's contact (carers UK are also excellent if you email them querstions- they always get back with stunningly useful answers, even though they dont advertise that online) and getsome idea of your rights to a carer's assessment (BNOT dependent on receiving CA), reapplying for more DLA and whatever else your area has available. Don't put your life on hold for him but also don't just absndon him if tehre's any chance a few phone calls and expert advice can help.

(And Techniocally DLA isn;t to pay for food / hosuing etc, EMA is for that- technically DLA is for the costs of his illness or disability; I know that sounds like technical pedantry but I am aware of a local case where the oney was spent on non related items and a stop was put on the payment for good).

Ummm, ok, first off OP this sounds rubbish and I am really sorry this is happening to you.

Secondly, and this might be considered unsympathetic and I REALLY hope I don't sound unkind, but I think you and your mum need to acknowledge that you are enabling him in every way possible; he has no reason whatsoever to change his (very manipulative) behaviour. Why would he change? He's getting everything paid for and has his mum and sister running round after him. He needs to take some responsibility, but so do you and so does your mum. He sounds an absolute nightmare. I hope you guys can sort it out.

Oh yeah, and why do YOU have to be around to look after your brother? TBH I'd steer well clear of enquiring about CA, let him do the legwork.

FGS

Stop facilitating this behaviour. Grow a spine or this situation will continue.

Little, CA is simple: if DLA is awarded at middle or higher rate care then CA is payable. There's no legwork for that per se.

But depending on his dx it may not be as easy as he just does: given the rates of depression amongst peopel I know who get a dx for their child, I asume they spiral when it's the actual adult person being diagnosed that's being considered.

What is probably needed here is a social worker. Theya re like gold dust but worth a shot.

You are not your brother's carer, so if you plan to go to college then go. Who is going to look after your little girl? Will that be your mum and is that fair on her, regardless of whether or not your brother lives at home. You really need to move out and start your independent life, but if you're only used to paying £200 per month + one food shopping then that doesn't reflect the cost of independent living. Maybe I'm being a bit blunt here, but if your mum has a mortgage or rent, I wonder if she isn't subsidising you and your daughter to some extent as well.
So... you need to sit down with your mum and get a realistic picture of what it costs to run this household. That includes community charge, rent/mortgage, fuel bills, insurance and housekeeping/maintenance other than food. In my house that is a lot more than £400 per month (and of course before your bro moved in you had 2 out of the 3 bedrooms). Then you need to involve your brother and make it clear to him, and between you work out what is a reasonable contribution you should both be making to your mum. Then it should be ship in or ship out, but if your brother insists on hanging in there, it's up to your mum to decide what she is willing to put up with. And you, if you don't hand the money over, he doesn't get it. It that makes life difficult then you choose what to do about it.

p.s. Carers allowance maybe for your mum, but you aren't going to be his carer are you? Because you have your own life to live and plans to make for yourself and your daughter.

I am his carer, as I'm the one that is here with him all day, cooks his meals, makes sure he doesn't fall, goes out with him to Doctor's appointments, takes care of verything. Also, if/when I go to college, DD will be in nursery, not the responsibility of anyone else.

My Mum doesn't subsidise me, the amount that I pay her has been worked out based on what the bills cost, and a small amount towards the mortgage (as she said, the mortgage is the same whether I am here or not) Everything that is for DD is paid for by me and noone else.

Anyway......

I tried to have a discussion with my Mum about this last night, and it lead to nothing but disaster and argument, always fun when walking around Asda. Basically, I have to like itor lump it... and also accept the fact it's fine for my Mum to fuck off for weeks at a time and tell me I can't go anywhere as Brother can't be left alone. Am sick of it.

Oh, and he has progressive, aggresive Crohn's disease that is resistant to all treatment, which has caused inflamation of joints etc, leaving him "walking" with two sticks.

Right, so your Mum is taking advantage of you as well as your brother. Despite the fact that you're the only one in the household with a small child.

You've got to move out, I think. If she wants to support him in staying there, she can stay home and do so. It's wildly unfair of her to expect you to do it. She's already told you what your options are. You need to believe her.

And if you stay, why can't you and your daughter move into the bigger room and he can have the currently-a-nursery?