to think that my brother should keep his opinions to himself?

[CrosswordGeekWantsChange]

I've lived with my Mum since I was a couple of months pregnant with DD, and the dynamic worked great. It's a (small) three bedroom house. There was a room for each of us.

However, after some horrible shit in my brother's life, he has now moved back in, which means I am sharing a bed & room with my Mum. I pay her £200 a month towards all of the bills etc, and have done since I first moved in. I also buy all of DDs stuff, and at least one food shop a month.

Since my brother has been here, he has not paid anything. At first he had no money, but we have made him claim DLA & ESA. He now gets £120 a week, which will go up when he's out of assessment stage of ESA to £170 - more than what I get for myself and DD. He has not paid my Mum a penny of this money, he expects for us to buy his food, buy his clothes and pay for diesel in the (shared) car. I have got myself into debt to support him, and I cannot cope with it anymore.

He has started berating my Mum and I about how much the shopping bill is (near £100 a week), but most of it is stuff for him as he always wants fresh meat. It used to be £50 a week. He bitches and moans that things that we buy for ourselves are occasionally thrown away because they haven't been eaten, but doesn't say anything when it's been bought for HIM and gets thrown away.

The money situation has arsed me off enough, but he has now started giving me hassle about the way that I raise DD. When we were both ill, DD wouldn't eat so was only being breastfed, and he told me that I was giving her my sickness and making her worse. He also tells me that I shouldn't feed her before her dinner, as she won't eat as much as she should.

DD is a mischievous little madam, who is crawling/climbing and generally getting into things she probably shouldn't. As far as I'm aware, this is pretty typical! But he keeps telling me that I should be punishing her, that when I tell her off, and move her away from things, when she cries I should just ignore her and not pick her up and kiss and cuddle her. She's a monkey and does annoy me sometimes, but I can't see how being horrible to her when she doesn't understand is going to help anything.

He doesn't want to take any advice about his own life, but is so happy to dish it out to all of us, and it is making me sick. I'm basically a full time carer for him, and he so rarely says thank you or appreciates what I do. He doesn't seem to care that I have given up my bedroom, and my ME space for him, as well as my time and social life. On top of this, there is a huge strain on my Mum and I as neither of us have any money anymore.

I think this has been more of a rant than anything else... but it has been cathartic to type it all out!

ummm - I am sorry to say this but I think you need to look at moving out. You do not have to take this responsibility - it is not yours. If your brother needs constant care then he needs to pay for it. He does not get to use you as an unpaid skivvy and then abuse you for it as well.

Your mum is putting upon you as well by forcing you into a role that isn't yours.

I know it's harsh but you have got to make a stand for yourself and your DD - it can't be good for her living in a house with so much tension and someone like your brother, who will soon enough start shouting at her off his own bat, if he hasn't already.

They can't stop you leaving - and they can't make you be his carer.

No doubt there will be some emotional blackmail involved but this is your life, and your DD's life, we're talking about.

And in the meantime, FGS stop pandering to his requirements for food - tell him that you will buy what you normally buy as that's all you can afford; and if he doesn't like it then he can stump up the readies to pay for the extra.

OP - you need to move out. The fact is, your Mum is your brother's parent and of course wants to look after him, but you are not his parent, you're DD's parent, and this is not the best life for her.

Contact the council, they might put you in private rented or while council properties near you might not be great, it could be the breathing room for you to get deposit saved for a private rent.

This will force the issue and make your mum deal with it, which she obviously doesn't want too. You are responible for your DD, not your brother. It's nice to help, but you shouldn't be expected to make sacrifices for someone who won't put any effort in.

I've just remembered that there is a thread on here someone started about doing a house-share with other single mums - are you constrained to stay in the area you're in? That might be a way forward for you.

I agrrr with everyone who says you need to move out. Neither your mother or your brother seems like they are that unhappy with the situation - therfore they are not going to change it!

Yes the council house may be dire but better than being made to look after an ungrateful man for the rest of your life whilst paying for the privilage - you need to make a better future for you and your dd, start now by moving out.

You mention your nan, any chance you could stay with her for a bit whilst you get seomthing more permanent sorted?

Perhaps go to CAB to find out if there are any grants or loans which would be available for deposits on a flat/house.

You dont mention whether you work? What income do you have?

I do feel sorry for your bgrotger; that's a horrid dx and tbh I'd be amazed if he were thinking straight right now. my BIL has something similarish (a partciculary aggressive form of ulcerative volitis that was missed so he has had 10 years of pain, a colon resection, bag and further surgery) and it's clear he has really suffered.

WRT to rent IIRC you won't get hwlp withhousing asw you are with a relative and if you are his carer its not as simple as just work. It's a valid role and worthwhile.

But.

You and your dd are young. It's hard enough for me being a carer andatching my quals etc wasted and I am in my thirties and the cared for are my boys! You need to find a way out. Your Mum however may not be willing or able to care for your brotherr (some people just canhot temperamentally) and that palces you in a hard place.

Firstly what are you hoping tos tudy at college? I really, really want to find a way to help you with that, it's such a positve for you. get that sorted before you do anything else, get a aplce allocated and then ring their finance dept to ask aboutr childcare and finances- some palces are great with that.

if it's one you can move away to, go for it. It might seem you can't but there's ways around this.

Once sorted, call social services and ask for a carers assessment. That is for you not him and not soemthing he can do. You are legally entitled to it. State your palns clearly and that you are going ahead with them: if he really needs a carer theya re able to make provision for that but they will fight and make it ahrd. Don't worry about that- post on here, plenty of carers who can support you with social services!.

I gett hat people say your brotjher should do this and that..... but whilst I agree all being equal, he has a serious and terribly painful illness at a young age and frankly hgandling that may be all he can do. Social services etc will happily dump all that on you so don't let them.

Please, gfind a way to go to college. Make a life for you and your DD> I think your Mum is being rubbish but know nothing of her and if she has a mortrgage she can't just drop everything. She can help though- making calls, geting reassessments (if he can barely walk lower rate care is unlikely to be right but they almost always send it too low forst time in the hope you won't apply for it to be looked at again). She should be abcking you in this and wanting a real life for you.

I have a brother who has mental health issues and a mother who has always thought that everybody has to pull together to look after him. I so understand where you are coming from but it is not your role to give up your life to look after him. Personally I don't think that's your responsibility. You must look after yourself and your daughter. Stop putting so much money in. Fight your corner. Don't allow him to have the bigger voice. Shout as loud. Claw back some savings and get the hell out of there.

Really just find any way to get out. You owe it to yourself and your daughter. Your mother has to see this through herself.

Can't stay with my Nan - she cares for my Grandad as a full time job, and couldn't deal with it.

I'm not working, sadly, am one of those benefit scroungers (or maybe that is how I feel..) the logistics of getting a job give me a headache, despite the fact I want to earn for us.

My income is IS, CTC & CB. Around £150 a week, I suppose, plus the occasional £5 from DDs Dad. I don't understand how I have none of this left anymore, it makes me

Also, Brother is very good wit DD, and does have his good as well as his bad. I love him dearly, but there's so much strain. He's not a complete bastard, just a bit of one.

Maybe will have to put off college until next year so that I can sort my messy life out first.

You will be so unhappy if you stay. You must go. YOU MUST GO.

Sorry some of this is my shit because I identify with your position so much but I really think your mum can't see how unfair she is being. And probably will never see it so you must make a space for yourself.

You have to be as much of a stubborn bastard as your brother and just keep your money. Sit your mother down and tell her how unfair the money situation is and how it can not go on. Stand up for yourself.

Your brother is in a shit situation so you have to have a shit life as well? NO. Go out there and live your own life.

Crossword if you want help with sorting all this out please do email me- peaches and cream 04 @ bt internet dot com; have some experience in all this crap and the system genertally.

You are caring, regardless of whether they call you a carer for CA purposes or not. therefore, both by my and MN consensus generally, youa re not a scrounger. I know how you feel ythough; I read the jobs vacant ads sometimes just to beat myself up! if you have a formal work ethic its ahrd to come to terms with being state supported. look at it this way: caring by state costs @ £2k per week- you're saving them money.

We can get you to college if you really want but it will take determination and backbone.

Apply for your college course for this September. Make it a deadline that you have to meet. Otherwise this whole sorry situation will go on for another year, and before you know where you are, you will be your brother's carer for the rest of your life.

Also I fail to see why he is lording it in the bigger spare room IN YOUR BED, while you either squash in with DD or DM. He should have the small room, and you/DD the bigger. Your mum needs her own space too.

Where was he living before?