to think that Wash N' Go is violence?

[slouchingtowardswaitrose]

I suffer from terrible migraines. One of my triggers is synthetic or strong perfume.

A few weeks ago, I had been having a migraine for 3 days. We ran out of shampoo.

I purchased more perfume-free shampoo for the whole family.

DH arrived home, having purchased his own shampoo - Wash N' Go! I explained that the smell would make my migraine worse, and trigger future attacks. I put it in the recycling box. He sort of rolled his eyes, not fully understanding.

A few days later, I was taken to A&E with stroke-like symptoms. It was scary. But just the migraine.

The next day, I woke up...and smelled Wash N' Go!

Nearly puked. Head instantly throbbing.

Cross words were had! Links for information about strong smells triggering migraines were sent! He said he was sorry and would not use it again.

I put it in the recycling bin.

The other day, I was putting something away in the bathroom cupboard. Wash N' Go had reappeared! I put it in the recycling.

This morning, I felt pretty great. No headache, no nausea, not dizzy. Got out of bed...and smelled Wash N' Go.

Big huge row. He said he 'forgot.' I say passive aggression. He said he 'doesn't understand migraines.' I say he doesn't listen or trust.

I am infuriated beyond belief. I feel violated. And...I have a migraine. I have to go to work now.

This may end in divorce.

AIBU?

yanbu take it with you and put it in a bin.

Re-cycle it ? No, sorry , put it in bin. End of . Keep repeating until message gets through.
He is being mean and beyond thoughtless.

YANBU

he may not understand migraines but he apparently witnessed you being rushed to hospital, yet still thinks it's okay to have the trigger in the house???? WTF?

YANBU - he is totally out of order. You should have binned the shampoo, to get it out of the house.

You poor thing - how can he "not understand migraines" when his wife has to be rushed to hospital because of them?

YANBU at all. 'doesn't understand migranes' good grief - I have never had one, but understand that they are just awful.. Discussion needs to take place, he needs to be made to understand, he has to agree to consider you. Hope you're feeling better soon.

He sounds very unreasonable and lacking in understanding.

Small picky point though, surely you don't put full bottles of product in the recycling - I thought you should empty and rinse all bottles (we are told to do so here). So empty it down the sink forst (might have to get someone else to do this) or put it in the regular rubbish - try a bin away from home if so.

Thank you. I should have binned it - just hate throwing away plastic.

He just sent a text to say sorry, that his hay fever is so bad today he couldn't smell anything so didn't notice the strong smell. Um, right. Someone needs to work on their issues so they don't poison someone else in a fit of adolescent defiance?

Hay fever. Hmm. There are some nice long grasses nearby. Put some in a vase in the bedroom to brighten up the place?

Lionstar, our leaflet advises to not rinse bottles because it wastes water, and the recycling is washed at the treatment centre...I used to wash them out diligently. Perhaps I still should? Hmm. I could have at least poured it out. Especially as he clearly can't be trusted!

YA so NBU! Poor you, migraines are awful. He is being completely thoughtless. When you are feeling well again, you both need to sit down and have a proper discussion about this.

Yes, instead of getting locked into a battle with him (because it does sound like passive aggression to me as well), maybe do see if you can get someone else like the GP involved so that your H hears it from someone other than you. Is that feasible? Could you get him to come with you to an appointment; or would he just not do it?

Fair enough slouching

His hayfever comment might seems like a reasonable excuse until you figure he has fished it out of the bin at least three times by your reckoning - that is blatant ignorance of your issues. Is this the only area where he is unreasonable, or are there other issues, this just being a manifestation of his frustration (not trying to pull you apart by the way, it just seems so willfully obtuse of him)

"Doesn't understand migraines"- does he understand english?

Complete and utter fuckwit.

Lionstar, I think it is 'a manifestation of his frustration' and was willful. He has done similar things in the past - 'forgetting' important things, 'accidentally' doing others, etc. Outright denial or head-halfway-in-sand seems to be his MO. Communication definitely needs improving on both sides. I get so frustrated telling him things so many times, I become angry, and he rebels.

Bloody hell, what a tosser. I can't think of anything constructive to say - I'd be beyond livid.

Are all the things equally important Slouchingtowardswaitrose?

I have to stop myself from reminding my DH about some things (even though they drive me insane) so that he will realise the things I do ask him to do/not do are really important to me.
With him it's not deliberate 'forgetting', more that he can only remember a set number of things at a time, and a new request forces out an old one.

If he's acting like a teenager are you treating him like a child?

Or, if he's just being a bastard, a grass-seed pillow might provoke a degree of empathy.

He's being a tit; he wasn't being evil, he just didn't believe you, and now he's realised you're serious, he's backpedalling and being an arse.

Narky, I hear you. In fact I do often treat him like a child. We seem to be stuck in this pattern. I am desperate for him to take more responsibility, have the kind of initiative in family life he does at work (he is very, very good at his work).

I keep trying to do something about it - to the point of asking him to have meetings with me, agree tasks/actions/priorities/plans/next steps/etc, write them down, then meet again in a week or two to check progress/refine/communicate/whatever! This is so I will not be bitching at him/checking progress/reminding him on a daily basis.

It is my major complaint that he often acts like a child and expects me to set life up for him like a toddler activity. Then he acts like a threenager. I refuse to enable the learned helplessness begun by his mother. When we were in therapy, he acknowledged he was mixing up his mother issues and his wife issues.

On that note, anger was not allowed in their house - yet they are the most angry people I know. Rather than express it, MIL will, for example, wait until my SIL leaves and then give my children's cousin ice cream (when SIL has expressly forbidden dairy due to the child's intolerance). When I was pregnant with my first child, MIL proudly told me about this incident. A warning?!

When DH has insisted on asking me yet another question about how to do something/what to do/where something is kept, etc, I have said to him - 'what would you do if I were dead? Pretend I'm dead, and do that.'

I asked him to change a lightbulb once. He asked me to go buy the lightbulb, borrow the neighbour's ladder, and get him the screwdriver so he could undo the shade. Seriously. Yet feels resentful I treat him like a child? Yesterday he came in the house with the children, I was literally on my knees holding a drill doing some DIY. I reminded him the children needed hats and sunscreen (could see DC already turning pink because DH hadn't thought ahead). He stood there and asked me to fetch them for him!

Gah. We need to communicate much, much better. He needs to take more responsibility, follow through on things, and express his resentments outright, rather than passive aggressive acts (like poisoning me with perfume).

I need to stop bitching at him about small things as they happen, hold my tongue and wait until our 'meetings,' then calmly explain my grievances, needs, resentments, feelings, wishes, etc!

Mistress, it's true, he just admitted to not having believed me.

What is that about?!

I am taking him to my migraine appointment next month, absolutely.

When he was suffering badly from hayfever, I went into research mode, bought air purifiers for our house, and searched for local honey. I didn't buy a bunch of lilies

Narky, I must add that the things I bitch about frequently really are important to me. So I'm bitching a lot, but about the same few things. What hurts is that they are not things that would cause him much trouble/pain/energy/expense. They are, to him, trivial. But they matter to me. They make a difference to me. He either doesn't believe that, or is being passive aggressive.

What are his good points? Why do you want to be with him. Because there does not seem any reason that a right-minded individual would stay with someone who treated them in the way that he has treated you. It sounds like you are bending over backwards to accomodate him, but he is not putting the same effort into the relationship as you are.

Slouching, sounds like there's a whole lot of wrong going on between you . I have no real suggestions for you, just hope you can work things out. All men seem to act like kids at least some of the time, but he seems to have hailed that bus and ridden off into the sunset with it.

What are his positives? maybe you could focus on them (it's meant to work for kids at least)

It sounds like he's acquired his mother's way of dealing with things. Maybe more therapy would help?

Positives:

Hands-on, playful dad. Does nappy duty, laundry, washing up, cooking, shopping, school run, bathtime, bedtime. Wears them in the sling. Takes them out to give me time alone. He does it all slightly badly, but his heart is in the right place and he does it with little resentment. He does learn from his mistakes where the children are concerned (eventually - he now remembers to take nappies - it only takes one poo accident in the sling. I am sure he will now remember sunscreen too). I do appreciate it.

The fact my alone time is spent catching up on the household admin and maintenance he refuses to do, is a major resentment. Yesterday I would much rather have been at the park with my children than inside installing bookcases and dealing with paperwork.

He is brilliant at his job, interesting thinker, funny, smart, ambitious. However, he tends to compartmenalise so tends to share his thoughts with colleagues and followers on Twitter, rather than with me. So we rarely have interesting conversations anymore.

He is creative. He has a good imagination.

I seem to remember he is quite good at sex.

At the end of the day (the very, very long day, after I have had to fight tooth and nail) he is there for me. If that makes sense.

I want to make it work. We are trying.