to think that Wash N' Go is violence?

[slouchingtowardswaitrose]

I suffer from terrible migraines. One of my triggers is synthetic or strong perfume.

A few weeks ago, I had been having a migraine for 3 days. We ran out of shampoo.

I purchased more perfume-free shampoo for the whole family.

DH arrived home, having purchased his own shampoo - Wash N' Go! I explained that the smell would make my migraine worse, and trigger future attacks. I put it in the recycling box. He sort of rolled his eyes, not fully understanding.

A few days later, I was taken to A&E with stroke-like symptoms. It was scary. But just the migraine.

The next day, I woke up...and smelled Wash N' Go!

Nearly puked. Head instantly throbbing.

Cross words were had! Links for information about strong smells triggering migraines were sent! He said he was sorry and would not use it again.

I put it in the recycling bin.

The other day, I was putting something away in the bathroom cupboard. Wash N' Go had reappeared! I put it in the recycling.

This morning, I felt pretty great. No headache, no nausea, not dizzy. Got out of bed...and smelled Wash N' Go.

Big huge row. He said he 'forgot.' I say passive aggression. He said he 'doesn't understand migraines.' I say he doesn't listen or trust.

I am infuriated beyond belief. I feel violated. And...I have a migraine. I have to go to work now.

This may end in divorce.

AIBU?

He won't go to therapy. He spent the whole of therapy expressing resentment about the money it was costing. He still talks about it frequently. We are too rich to qualify for free or means-tested therapy.

On that note, he describes us as 'poor.' I describe us as 'rich.' That basically sums up the difference in our approach to life!

In fact, thinking about it, his resentment about the money seemed like a distraction technique. I think it was very painful for him.

I am willing to change if he is.

Good luck - he seems to be really hard work, he seems very stubbon. You say I want to make it work, and we are trying. Is he trying? Has he accepted that there is work to do in your relationship and that he is making you unhappy? Will he take time out to listen to you and really hear what you have to say? Not nagging or shouting but a proper sit down conversation about what is frustrating both of you and what you want from each other?

Yes. He wants to make it work and he is trying. He has already changed a great deal, if you can believe it! He rang me to say he wants us to work and that he's sorry about the Wash N' Go.

If something doesn't change significantly, it will definitely be Go, let me assure you.

ok seriously what about a weekend off for you and your girlfriends ( or with whoever/ what ever makes you happy). Seems to me you need a break from what you feel is you eternal responsibiity - cos he doesn't get things right ( and believe me i get this) and he needs space to practice taking more responsibility in a space where you are not constantly watching him - this really will be good for both him and dcs . my dh doesn't do everything as i would like but the more he is literally left to learn on the job he better he gets- no amount of meetings will do this - in fact - surely this whole incident shows how much he (wrongly resents this ) the clear signal is he is no longer hearing you when you really need him too . you can work this out - but you both gotta somehow change this child/ adult relationship

sorry to post again but a friend of mine had very wise words for me recently ... to paraphrase (and everybody forgive me for generalising about men/ woman) ' with most men you can talk about what you want to change endlessly but they simply cant compute - its too abstract until it happens - so if you literally leave him/ trust him to cope more then he will get it .

this is obviously not about just the shampoo but about stepping up about life in general

I think he is doing it as a way of expressing anger toward you and punishing you.

I was not surprised when I read your account of your therapy sessions and his background. I think he needs to deal with some major issues in himself.

He does and he knows it.

Thanks for all the replies.

Omar, we hadn't had any meetings until 2 nights ago. I wanted the meetings because I felt he would only really listen to me at a dedicated time away from the heat of the moment. We did sit down and he worked out a plan for an issue we're having with the children. He thought of 3 options, wrote down pros and cons etc, decided on course of action and has been following through. Yes! I will of course show my appreciation

He does want me to go away for the weekend. He wants to take the children to MIL's without me, which I find incredibly insulting, rejecting and weird. Not to mention it would distress the children, whose mother is not a discardable vessel.

I won't agree to that for safety reasons either. Until he can start strapping them into car seats properly, etc...then no.

But I will start by using weekend time to relax in meaningful ways away from home, rather than staying in dealing with built-up admin.

why would a weekend away turn you in to a "discardable vessel" ??

There is a big difference between me saying, 'I would like some time on my own and have booked a weekend holiday for myself' and him saying, 'I would like to take the children out of town without you because the weekend away would be better without you and my parents agree.'

That's why.

ouch ! I am really sorry to hear all this slouch .... this to be honest sounds very difficult to negotiate as a partnership. If your dp is so a unreliable that he cannot even be trusted to drive the kids anywhere or be left alone with them and tells you that " the weekend would be better without you" then my question is how much of this s*&t can or should you take

He can be left alone with them, does quite a lot of childcare in fact and most of it very well, but there is some gross negligance stuff like the car seats etc, which means an out of town thing without me is unacceptable. He tends to think bad stuff will not happen to him, which of course means it's more likely to happen because he doesn't take precautions.

I don't know what will happen. We are both trying.